And the winner is.............

AC Malvern's magnificent end of season awards night gala [version 2.0] was hosted my DJ Sparkles last night at the Yak Bar in Melbourne.

In a controversial move the event once again banned the WAGS from attending. Events spokes person, DJ Sparkles had this to say on the matter “Peeps, the WAGS weren’t banned, they were just not invited. Da boyyyyyyyyyyyyz wanted the attention focused solely on them as they walked the red carpet in front of the adoring media with all their bling - wickedy wack!”

Yet another successful event was the result with some unmentionable highlights and some unspeakable acts occurring in front of the watching cameras. That aside, the focus of the night was for the boys to let their hair down (for those who still have some) and the 2009 awards ceremony with the following players taking home the major prizes:

Golden Croc - Hendo
Player of the Year - Hendo
Most Improved - Twinkle toes Tim
Clubman of the year - Zoolander Dennis

A big thanks to DJ Sparkles for organising the event - top shelf work.

Hey now, hey now. Don't dream it's over....but it is!

The late Bobby Robson was once quoted as saying “The first ninety minutes are the most important”, but for the now iconic AC Malvern, the last ninety minutes (of the season) was the most important. A win and a result going the right way would see the lads of AC finish the season in an unexpected fourth spot. This would be El Classico, a battle of the giants between AC in sixth and Sandy in fifth. A win was a must for both teams.

The FFV must have known how important this game would be and as a result scheduled a curtain raiser with U21 girls to warm up the crowd before the main event. If nothing else, the game certainly warmed up a few of the boy’s hearts with Sparky taking a particular shine to the giant at centre back.

A sane ref (although blind), check; AC lads willing, check and with that the game began on a very dusty midfield.

Three minutes into the game and it was clear AC meant business. A Sandy’s defender clearance found little Sparky and the result was a thunderous strike that found the post and he was denied the much deserved goal. The strike was that good that AC faithful on the sideline had thought it was Hendo who struck the ball, but no it was the wee left back – Mark.

A minute later a slick move down the left wing found the ball at the feet of, you guessed it, Mark “Wee Weegie” Henderson. Hendo cut the ball back inside to a salivating Colin who was perched in front of goal deep in the box and needed only fall on the ball to score. Unfortunately for him the ball found the only gap evident and slid through the back, but the luck of the Irish would prevail and Dennis was now on the end of the pass duly smashing the ball into the side net; 1-0.

In AFL parlances the boys from AC were “up and about” and dominating possession and control. The Sandy boys were already starting to get frustrated in front of the capacity crowd and decided to impose a physical presence on AC; however it all backfired when a not so scary right winger by the name of Dennis gave an ever so “slight” bump back. The result was a Sandy boy getting intimate with the Sandy pitch and hobbled off holding his pride and shoulder. To add insult to injury the menacing Damo went about his business in his usual (controlled) aggressive manner to disappointment and frustration of Sandy. Oscar Wilde couldn’t have put it much better when he said "Football is all very well as a game for rough girls, but is hardly suitable for delicate boys".

Much of the attacking came down the left wing with Sparky enjoying being out of left back and up the pitch, despite the nose bleeds. A regular feature was Owen to Nolan to Sparky to Price to the Sandy goal keeper. It was only a matter of time before one of these passing combinations would have some success.

Price was again involved with a one two with Cresswell. A yet to be confirmed report had the QE2 turn with the ball, believe it or not, to find Brendan who delivered a tasty through ball to a fast moving Glaswegian. Hendo would have found it hard to miss and he didn’t, slotting home his 14th goal for the season; 2-0.

A lucky break from a well taken corner resulted in a response from Sandy finding the back of the net; 2-1.

HALF TIME
The half time speech was measured, deliberate and inspiring from [insert name here]. “It’s been a long season and we deserve a beer, but let’s fight for our right to steal fourth spot. After the game we can worry about the beer which will taste ever so sweat after victory”.

A focused and determined AC bounced back into position eagerly thinking about the beer, I mean the second half and potential victory.

Hendo, looking to celebrate the golden croc award in style received the ball from Price outside the box, then making the defenders look like clowns he scored his fifteenth and final goal for the season. He was later quoted as saying “I went left, he went left, I went right, he went right, then I went left and he went to the hot dog van”; 3-1.

JT re-entered the fray, and unfortunately for him within ten seconds had given Sandy a penalty , his fourth for the season, quickly earning himself the label as AC bad boy especially when adding his extensive multi colour card collection for the season.

The penalty taken and not even Oliver Kahn could stop this one; 3-2 and AC were looking shaky, but not a good shaky like the shaky kids get after school.

A nervous and panic ridden AC lost dominance and were defending feverishly. Sandy was certainly looking most like scoring and with free kick after free kick they were getting closer to the mark. The pie eating, AC kicking, British born, Sandy number 10 (what is it with opposition number 10’s?) let fly a super sweet strike that was curling into the goal. Then from nowhere a leaping Con beautifully denied the larger lad and his team mates the goal and the draw. The final whistle sounded not long after and Con had saved the game and confirmed fifth spot for AC depending on other results.

History would tell us now that the co-tenants, Central Park Rangers, would do the right thing beating SKevs 8-1 and the Bhoys from AC would finish in fourth spot for the year.

AC Malvern 3 - 2 Sandringham
Golden Croc boy 2, Zoolander

All that remains now is the post season celebrations starting with the awards nights on Friday where the following awards are up for grabs:
- Golden Croc [sealed by Hendo with 15 goals]
- Player of the year
- Most improved
- Clubman award
- Pants award

Then it's off to Sydney for the end of season trip for this lot to watch the Soccerwhos vs. the Dutch

Bonkers

Two games to go and relegation avoided which is considered a moderate success given the cellar dweller status at the half way mark. Now, with momentum on their side AC had sights on a loftier goal; mid table mediocrity or shudder the thought, even higher. Standing in their way was 180 minutes of football; the first 90 facing St Kevs. Last time AC played St Kevs, for those whose memory needs a jolt was the (now) comical game where three penalties were missed and an undeserved draw the result.

The game started and this little green man has seen some things in his time, but never have I seen a referee trying to antagonise players. Using a rock hard ball supplied by St Kevs Brazilian import, players were nearly knocked out going for headers and feet near broken when kicking. Both teams were united in a request to switch balls……3, 2, 1…..BOOM!!! The ref lost his s*** yelling at Steve calling him back to yell some more. After what seemed an eternity of stupidity the ref had handed out a couple of yellow cards and both teams stood, stunned looking for the cameras as they thought they were part of Ashton Kutcher’s Punked. It was later discovered that the refs pre-game consisted of singing the following;

Some people fink I’m bonkers,
But I just fink I’m free
Man, I’m just livin’ my life
There’s nufink crazy about me
BONKERS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci40ae8BlcE

Normal service resumed, albeit silently and a long through ball to a vacant right wing and a rampaging Zoolander utilised all his catwalk training to move in a straight line quicker and more stylishly than his opponent, then unlike the real Zoolander, managed to turn left inside, past his opponent and slide the ball across to the QE2. Pricey’s first attempt was saved, but the follow up, obviously not requiring a turn, was sweetly struck and found it’s way into the net; 1-0.

As subscribers to this service would know it’s the AC way to then let in a goal in response, and to their credit they didn’t disappoint today. The lengths AC would go to in order to keep the tradition is outstanding, slotting in the goal themselves, own goal; 1-1.

AC had SKevs covered all over the park and was only a matter of time before they turned the domination into goals. SKevs were faltering as evidenced by the next bonkers play. A soundly struck corner from Cresswell sailed into the box for a clear defensive header for SKevs; however either by luck or stupidity the ball was headed goal-ward and found the back of the net. Another own goal and 2-1 to Malvern.

It wouldn’t be an AC game if there wasn’t a Hendo piece of magic and today was no different. Hendo took a corner and delivered a shot pass to Byrne. A delicate 1-2 between the Celtic duo and the ball was back at the feet of the Glaswegian wizard. Charging at the defender, Hendo danced around him before unleashing a thunderbolt into the side net from then opposite corner of the box; 3-1.

The job looked just about done as SKevs had dropped their heads and headed for the shed for half time.

HALF TIME

With the result never really in doubt the second half was all about counting down the 45 minutes until the final whistle, hoping to get through without another card from the ref. In fact much of the half time conversation centred around how to get through the half without making eye contact with the ref.

The last significant event of the match saw the housemates worked in tandem again, this time on the left. Dennis passed the ball in the Price direction, however missed the target. The QE2 then stole the ball back before moving into the box and crossing for an incoming [insert name here]. Once again, the defender intercepted, however this time after sinking the boot in he did the impossible and curled the ball into the top right corner for another own goal; 4-1 and that’s all she wrote and this bizarre day when there were more own goals than actual intentional goals. BONKERS!!!!

In what can only be described as the two most bizarre games of the season, both resulted in three missed penalties and three own goals. That my friends is a statistical anomaly. Now, only 90 minutes remains in the 2009 season and only Sandringham stand in the way of AC finishing as high as fourth. Good luck boys!

AC Malvern 4 - 1 SKevs
2 Own goal, Price, Hendo

Piste, or pissed....you decide

With half the team off-piste and off pissed in New Zealand, AC fielded a new/old-look side for the clash with title-chasing Booroondara.

Into the side came ring-in revelations Jason and Col, Duncan Winton who has abandoned us for a Masters club (he wants to play with some younger blokes) and AC’s second-favourite purveyor of haggis and kilts, Brian McChristie.

Yet again, the game began with a howling northerly wind and AC were quickly into our customary backs-against-the-wall siege mode.

It wasn’t pretty, but the back four’s cunning mix of wild hacks, skewed clearances and flailing legs affected Booroondara’s composure and the game settled into a pitched battle in AC’s last eighth.

Inevitably, the home team found the net - sparking a booming motivational monologue from their skipper-cum-Eastend fish-monger. It was a deflating end to a period of sustained pressure and no doubt the shivering handful of spectators sensed a goal tsunami was on the way.

However there are two things that AC can promise in any given game. One; JT will tell an opponent how very ugly he is, (in this case, a chap whose bright orange hair clashed awfully with his purple Booroondara strip) and two; going a goal down will break the shackles of apathy.

And so with Jason B and Duncan dominating the midfield, AC put together a slick move that culminated in a superb finish from Simon.

1-1 and the tiny crowd was witness to the rarest of sporting moments – a warm high-five between a Celtic man (Hendy) and a Rangers tragic (Brian).

Our equaliser not only motivated our opponents, it sparked a strange change in the referee who began to act, and officiate, in a disturbingly erratic way. This previously-genial silver-haired gent began to argue with players, waited several minutes to call fouls and then hallucinated a handball on the edge of the area.

The resultant free kick was duly converted, but with our midfield humming and Ralpha providing a masterclass in the art of subtle deflections, flicks and back-of-the-scone headers, we felt we were good for an equaliser.

No-one, however, could have predicted the quality of the answer. Latching onto yet another Jason B pass, Hendy performed a series of jinks and feints that left their defenders with what the South Americans poetically describe as ‘twisted blood’.

It was clearly the goal of the season and answered some lingering questions regarding his origins. Hendy is clearly the bastard love-child of Rudolph Nureyev and Harry Houdini.

After such a spectacular high, the final stanza of the first half delivered a succession of corresponding lows. A corner that drifted serenely into the net while we all stood watching was followed by their only truly legitimate goal which was then followed by us hitting the upright twice in five minutes.

At half time, the moral scoreboard read AC 3, Booroondara 1. The far more annoying actual scoreboard read AC 2 Booroondara 4.

The purple ponces began the second half with the swagger of a team that believed it had the points in the bag. The fact they were right doesn’t mean it wasn’t annoying though, and we launched into the last 45 with renewed vigour.

Our cause was boosted by the on-field appearance of AC’s resident hard-man and scholar of arcane mediaeval history – JT.

We’re still waiting for the day that he combines his specialities – ‘you’re uglier than a latrine vassal in the court of King Richard the 3rd!’ – but had to be content with his uncompromising attack on the ball.

While JT added some steel on the wing, JB was pure silk in the midfield. Having initiated a passing move at the halfway line, he brilliantly followed through to side-foot us back into contention.

He was again at the heart of our next scoring move – an incisive probe down the right wing which was followed by a swinging cross, followed by something I can’t remember, but culminating in a bulging net.

Suddenly it was 4-4, the crowd had stopped watching the cricket match on the adjoining ground and all was set for a spectacular climax. A few moments later, Richard Owen cracked home another – his 17th of the season he later reported – only to have the ref rule it out.

While we continued to attack, our adrenaline tide was receding and the toll of such an end-to-end game was extracted. First, man-of-the-match Jason B went down with what looked like a serious knee/hammy.

His countryman Col was next to go with a groin/thigh and JT was clearly hampered by his old Achilles/calf. Over on the left wing Brian was afflicted by age/no stamina.

Sadly, and against the run of play, Booroondara scored their fifth, prompting Con to deliver a fiery sermon to Ren. Then JT looked the wrong way at an opponent and the now clinically-insane ref pointed to the penalty spot.

In it flew and out went any chance of sharing the points.

During the gloomy post-mortem it was decided that our main problem was not failing to train, fitness or the absence of most of the team; it was that unlike our opponents, we don’t have a club song.

Just imagine the thrill of not only winning, but getting to huddle in a stinking mass to sing a soaring victory anthem such as Wind Beneath My Wings, Tainted Love or Nine Inch Nails’ Closer .

So; the challenge of the next fortnight is clear: earn enough points to avoid relegation and come up with a song to fuel our 2010 campaign.

AC Malvern 4 - 6 Eagles
Goals: JB 2, McHoudini, Simon T

the cup did runith over.....with rain and spite!

Grumble, grumble……now much has been made about the lack of content, or void in people’s lives as a result of failure to post a regular and timely update on AC Malvern’s performances. Countless letters, such as the example below, flood my inbox daily:

“Dear Gumby,

What is going on? Why do you do this to me? You know my life (and that of my hot friends) revolves around reading the tales of the striking bunch of lads at AC Malvern and their successes on the pitch.
Now, on the topic of striking footballers; when are you releasing your swimwear calendar of you and the boys?

Totally yours
[Name suppressed]”

Match day:
Karma’s a bitch. In recent weeks I have reported how Mother Nature was in fact that, a bitch, and how she rained down upon thee with great fury. Well, I have learnt a valuable lesson that I’ve been told for years, but have never listened and that is hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You see, payback is a bitch and Mother Nature unleashed some of her best work on the lads as they arrive to battle it out for the McRopod Cup. Teaming rain, howling gales and cold conditions waited all those brave enough to take the pitch. In fact, in the shadows of the start of the Premier League season we were kindly reminded of what our country’s “founders” would have to deal during an English “summer”. I now offer an official apology to the lovely, and importantly, ever present Mother Nature.

Now, on with the match report……

The lads of AC were fighting two battles on a day more suited to staying indoors in front of an open fire. Battle one was winning a trophy to salvage something from this car wreck of a season, and two was to free themselves from the embarrassment of relegation. So, plenty rode on this week’s game, with a draw, at worst, a must!

You know what, such is the pain that the memories of this match release, that my psychologist forbids me to “re-live” them in any form. So I will keep the details as brief as possible in order to reduce the pain and ultimately the medical bills.

With rain pouring onto the pitch slowly turning it into a swimming pool (pictured left), the plucky older gents of Rangers managed to drive a wooden stake into the hearts of the adoring fans slotting home two first half goals. The usual suspect was responsible; Lars, the gifted Swede who dealt the killer blows in the first leg.

Annie once sang “The sun will come out, tomorrow”, but today it came out for the second half and with it the hopes of AC rose.

With the crack of the dominatrix whip, the power had shifted and AC pulled their collective heads out their a** and managed repeated attacks on goal. With effort comes reward and young Hendo, the hater of the Glaswegian Rangers, began his enslaught. The now familiar tune would play through the stands; “he went this way, then that way – they went that way, then this way. Hail to the goal score, goal scorer man” and Hendo duly slotted the ball into the back of the net. Spirit and passion was re-ignited and the ball was hitting the AC box like planes crashing at Pearl Harbour. Soon enough the impenetrable defence would let up and another would get through………well the laws of statistics would suggest so.

With time and light fading and the Rangers tiring, Pricey gathered the ball in side the half, strode down and barrelled in a cross. A deft header by Dennis flicked the ball onto the awaiting Hendo who had no problem slotting it home, ultimately proving the geeky statisticians right. 2-2 with five minutes to go. Would it be long enough?

Tensions rose as the end was near and Twinkle Toes Tim found himself at the end of some hefty words and threats on his life from the irate spittle spreading dragon that was Rangers number 10.

Unfortunately for AC, post entanglement between Tim and #10, time did run out and the draw wasn’t enough to relinquish the McRopod Cup from the steely grip of the Rangers. Such was the confidence of the Rangers though that they didn’t even bring the cup to the ground for it to be presented.

Post match Tim & Co were forced to hug it out Ari Gold style in order to maintain the cuddly and warm relationship between the clubs.

Now every cloud has a silver lining and despite the fight, the draw and the rain the boys of AC managed to confirm their place in the division for another year.

AC Malvern 2 – 2 Rangers
2 He who hates (Glasgow) Rangers

I now put my cap in hand and ask for donations to pay for the four extra sessions required to get over re-living that.....Cheques can be made payable to "the plastic fantastic"

The return leg..........Can we do it?....yes we can!

It's on again, the much anticipated return leg of the biggest rivalry in sport; the Mc Ropod Cup, between the red and black of AC Malvern and blue and white of Rangers from Central Park in Malvern.

Last time these teams met, AC were out of form and struggling losing to a rampaging Rangers 2-1, with Zoolander Dennis the loan goal scorer for the away team.

This time however; AC have hit some form and are on the way up, entering the game as, dare I say it, favourites.

To steal a line from the movie Moulin Rouge, this will be "Spectacular, spectacular" and all are encouraged, even begged to get down and see the events unfold.

The match details are as follows:

AC Malvern v Central Park Rangers

Central Park - The fortress

Cnr Burke and Wattletree Roads, Malvern

Kick off - 1 PM

So come one, come all and get amongst the capacity crowd to see two teams go head to head for sports poorest prize purse - The Mc Ropod Cup

What's up for grabs, besides pride? the trophy, pictured left as donated by Alan.

They know we're coming.....

11 goals in two weeks, and one of the best for and against records in a log-jammed ladder. Teams that dubbed the Malvernians the ‘easy beats’ are now on notice –

The AC Malvern juggernaut has rolled into town.

The boys from Central Park smelt blood in the water last week, and duly delivered a win for the ages in their 5-2 humiliation of the highly fancied Old Melburnian’s. Truth be told, it should’ve been a bigger margin – which spelt trouble this week, for the last placed Old Trinity.

Where AC started with healthy numbers, including three on the pine, Old Trinity assembled something more like an England World Cup Squad. In 1998, one had to feel for poor old Paul Gascoigne when he was culled by manager Glenn Hoddle on the eve of the cup – a travesty given the old blighty turned around and took three goalkeepers!

The ‘T’ (I know, I know, I can’t f*cking believe it either – another gay euphemism/acronym to call a team by!) were similarly generous with player numbers, though one sh*t keeper was more than enough. Fair dinkum, even their reserves seem to have reserves.

See pic below - I’d hate to draw the short straw and have to wash that kit

Form, ladder positioning and expectation aside, AC were well aware that Old Trinity were one of the(many) teams they’d capitulated to in the first half of the season. A 3-4 loss from memory. Such is the nature and unpredictability of this league’s high standard, they weren’t to be taken lightly.

One would be forgiven in thinking AC had dabbled in the mother of all experiments with marksmen Hendy starting in the No. 1 shirt. Despite Richard Owen’s pleas, and plausible goal scoring argument, things didn’t turn completely mad, and he started down back as usual. From the kickoff AC Malvern looked hungry and everyone wanted a piece of Old Trinity pie. Last week’s polished passing movements continued which ultimately involved every AC Malvern player around the ball or in space, feeding that appetite. With a strong breeze in their favour, Trinity, when in possession, sent the ball long which resulted in an instant turnover of possession. That and the AC back four, five if you include the Higuita-esque goalkeeping of Hendy, who were fortress-like in their repelling of the ambitious style of attack.

“Keep it simple, stupid” has been the AC mandate of late, and that cognition was embraced from start to finish here. A basic passing movement from the backline and out wide repeatedly stretched the Trinity midfield who seemed hell-bent on attacking from every possession they had, even if camped inside their own half. Playing like this, it was clear that they weren’t going to be able to adequately defend the AC Malvern soccer machine that kept the ball on the deck, and swiftly moving forward. AC edged closer to goal, and Trinity scrambled troops back to cover. If the barrage wasn’t coming from the left via Tim, Damo, Pete, you could count on a neat wide ball from Ren to Jason or Pete, looking for the QE2 or Steve in between defenders. Trinity did make positive inroads forward of their own, but the counter was proving crucial through the run of Brendan and co. Coupled with the fact the aerial contest was being dominated the AC talls.

Ten or so minutes in, and AC had had as many attacks at goal than it usually gets in one outing, strangely though, no genuine shots to speak of so far. Now, this is where Gumby plays it smart and writes [insert name here], which I failed to do last week resulting in a lambasting of massive proportions and ultimate punishment from the master, which he assured hurt him more than it did me – jury’s out.

So, a lighting fast passing movement which started wide left and was steered up the centre of the park found it’s way to who lobbed a sweet cross in the path of Steve (pen) to perfectly volley home. 1 nil, and the lads were away.

The tight formation continued to hold its shape in both attack and defence with more attacking raids out wide taking place. Conversely, the runs up the centre of the park from Trinity were well tracked and deviated away by some rugged and determined AC midfield defensive pressure.

Another passing movement resulted in another run into enemy territory, this time straight up the guts, and this time it was AC who used the wind to their advantage as Pricey put a ball over the top of the Trinity defence which held up perfectly for Steve (pen) to find himself in an almost identical position from just moments earlier, stealing a couple more yards closer to goal this time. A flailing Trinity goalkeeper came bounding out to block the shot and instead collected Steve in what was an act of sheer genius on several levels:

1. In collecting Steve in the head he didn’t even get a card, let alone give away a penalty or free kick.
2. In delivering a mega dead leg on Steve with his knee the keeper didn’t even…..(see above).
3. The County Court this morning cleared the keeper of attempted murder; and most significantly
4. The check on Steve caused him to send his shot just inches wide.

One nil it remained.

A rather bashful keeper (he was a decent bloke really!) took the ensuing goal kick which barely cleared the grass, an almost impossible feat given the aptly dubbed ‘billiard table’ we had the luxury of playing on. (Love to see him have a go at goal kicks at Central Park this time of year!). The ball was shifted around with ease by the AC Malvern midfielder, Pete who put the QE2 into space, and it was plain sailing (pun intended) as he finished the voyage goal ward euphorically ala Diane Brimble (ok, I know I’m going to hell for that one).

Two nil after half an hour, and the boys were smoking! AC charged on with the popular return of Coults after a lengthy self imposed suspension for breaking team curfew and doing his groin on the dance floor. Trinity made changes (about 47 of them) of their own, complemented by a different tactic much to the displeasure of an honest, hardworking AC outfit. A more physical attack begun to unsettle AC, as the referee, who had less to say than Marcel Marceau (pictured right), let the top heavy challenges pass his attention.

It was clear that Trinity’s frustration was resulting in some pretty unfair tactics on and off the ball, but AC hung in there, and when needed mirrored some of this ugly football. As a result, the standard of football gradually started to diminish, coupled with tiring legs. AC gave a few silly free kicks away, in dangerous territory, as a result of some of the IOU return-fire on the ‘T’. A couple of goalmouth scrambles, close corners and free kicks had AC well and truly having their mettle tested. Still they hung on for that elusive clean first half sheet. After JT received his token yellow card for the afternoon, another free kick was safely ensconced by the ever reliable (and apparently once highly regarded in the No. 1 shirt) keeper in Hendy. More attacks had AC clearing the area and they’d just started to lose their way a little. Finally, Trinity’s closest goal scoring chance was brilliantly saved by a diving Hendy who turned the ball round the bottom right side post. Half time was the best thing to happen to an AC Malvern who’d used up a lot of petrol, and the worst thing for a stuttering Old Trinity who were beginning to display glimpses of their best, yet had nothing to show for it.

2nd half

The halftime message was simple: Do not try and defend a lead. Actually, it was “no silly lunging challenges”, but for AC mercenary JT to be the one delivering such a steadfast message seemed absurd – kind of like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank.

Hendy got reacquainted with his No. 9 shirt, and hurled the gloves to Richard Owen for a stint in between the posts. Coult’s quickly re-established himself as both a solid rebounding defender and an annoying little sh*t to opposition forwards. He would even test referee Marcel’s patience and cure his inaudibility, and receive a written (wouldn’t wanna pull a vocal chord) warning from the man in black and the mime that accompanied the warning was translated like so:

REF: blow his whistle and sternly looked at coults instructed him to cut it out and to stop swearing!

COULTS: strongly denied such allegations, but just let it go as it the ref was getting silly! [post script to come later]

AC started the second stanza in the same fashion that they started the first – dominantly. More space seemed to be on offer for those wanting to use it, and use it they did. Pete, Brendan and Jason repeatedly slid through balls into chasms you could roll the actual QE2 through, and goal scoring opportunities were going to be plentiful for Hendy and co. After a lengthy stint buzzing around the Trinity 18 yard box, Steve (pen) found space but on a tight angle, made the wise call to lay the ball off for a rampaging JT to drill the ball into the roof of the net.

Three nil, it was now about goal average, and with that thought the lads were on the same page.
Trinity, well and truly on the back foot and with a massive deficit to address were forced to try and turn defence into attack whenever in possession. Sound defending by the AC tail ensured that was short lived and the ball stayed put – in the Old Trinity half. A superb flick from Jason found Hendy into space who did was he does best. 4 nil, pop the champagne and put the witches hats out.

Well aware of complacency, and still possessing a desire to put the opposition to the sword, AC were relentless in both winning the contested ball and using it effectively – probably the most encouraging thing for the AC lads to take away given the game was well and truly over. With confidence at the pointy end, AC continued to chip the ball around, move for one another and talk. Another overlap presented, and the QE2 was put into a hole who poked (c’mon Pricey, admit it – that was a toe-bash) from point blank range to nail his second. AC had barely made it back to their own half for the resumption of play when, Hendy, not to be outdone stepped around the back 8 and slotted a 6th past a buggered goalkeeper.

A clean sheet, and a right-royal touch up: something we haven’t had too many of this year, 2 on the trot, and momentum going into next weeks Round 2 clash with Central Park Rangers: The McRopod Cup

C’mon boys, we’ve turned the corner now, early night Saturday and this one’s ours for the taking lads!

AC Malvern 6 - 0 Old Trinity

Hendo 2, Pricey 2, Cresswell, JT

The Post Script:

You may remember from earlier in the piece an "incident" between the little lad Coults and the mime that was the ref, well, there's more:

After the match Coults approached the ref to ensure him that he must have misheard him due to his accent and that he was encouraging and not swearing.

The ref then accepted that he did not swear and expanded to tell him that he blew up because he was “in danger of getting his team mates too excited” and someone was going to get hurt! Coults, ever the gentleman and lover, not fighter, explained how as long as he doesn’t swear or insight "bother", he can gee up the lads as much as he wants!!

MM retorted by saying that it wasn’t fair as we were already 6-0 up and it was hurtful towards the opposition??!!!

A big case of WTF???

Momentum; it has to start somewhere.......

As the sun rose from the east we were greeted with a sunny, but yet another f’n windy day. This little green man has come to the conclusion that Melbourne is Australia’s version of Chicago: the windy city.

With trees once again horizontal from the bitch that is Mother Nature, the mighty AC packed their bags and headed for the leafy surrounds of Toorak to face Old Melburnians’. The last time these two teams met; OM’s were victorious (4-1), I labelled them as nice blokes, Coults popped his groin and Terry Wallace was sacked after a guest coaching spot. What exciting tales would today bring?

The first challenge was would AC be able to field a team? The net result of player apathy, late arrivals, injuries and late night loan deal negotiations resulted in AC being able fill the quota of 11 men, just!

Now every game is important, but this was one where AC needed a result in order to extricate them from the cellar (cohabitating with the gimp) and strive for a reasonable finishing position despite a disastrous season to-date.

Cresswell’s inspiring team management and position selections netted results early. AC, defending an early OM’s corner, cleared the ball out to the wee weegie Hendo, turns and burns before a flick out to the QE2 who fortunately wasn’t required to turn. Price then ran with the ball past a couple of shadows and without looking thumped the ball with the outside of his foot down the park and into the path of a rampaging Jason. The Republic of Ireland international nods the ball down then takes control, runs at, then around the keeper to slot in goal number one in his AC career; 1-0.

Watching Hendo with the ball is like watching an adult playing keepings off with a five year old. It’s funny, but slightly embarrassing for all involved. So, in what has become a well scripted move; Hendo runs at the defenders, turning them this way, then that until they are so confused that they don’t even know their own name. Next he courteously steps past them, plays a through ball to himself just to extract some fluid from the opposition and slots it past the keeper; 2-0.

Now, I still don’t quite understand this logic, but when AC get two goals to the good, they get nervous, loose at the back and are slightly manic in their panic. This is when the opposition usually takes advantage of the confusion and slots home a goal. Today was no different as a corner resulted in a header from the back post ruffling the net; 2-1.

HALF TIME

Now kicking with the wind and sports gels starting to take effect on their systems AC marched out for the second half full of confidence. The confidence may have been linked to the arrival of another player in JT, and a Referee to oversee proceedings.

Rich Owen had put his hand up to play in goal for the second half, but didn’t take much convincing to allow Steve to mind the nets for the rest of the game. Once again, Steve’s managerial wizardry would have a positive effect.

An AC corner was cleared to the top of the box; Owen, with his back to goals drags the ball into his control, before turning his loping frame and striking the ball goal wards. The keeper managed to let the ball trickle through his legs and Owen had his first goal for the season; 3-1.

AC, were now dominating proceedings; JT was flexing his muscles with his usual tackling style, Iva was been threatened by defenders with his death, and Hendo, Byrne and Price were dancing though the midfield. OM’s had mentally lost it.

The Wee Weegie was anxious to capitalise on a lacklustre OM’s, and it wasn’t long before a through ball found Hendo at speed. In typical Hendo fashion he stepped around a few and slotted Malvern’s fourth; 4-1.

OM’s regained some pride with a cracking strike from outside the box that would have left even Van Der Sarr flailing in goal; 4-2.

The boys from Malvern were now keen on destroying OM’s to reverse the ledger from the first leg. A corner would be just the tonic to put the final nail in the coffin. A beautifully placed kick, found the nimble defender, Owen streaming in at the back post. Owen, using his beer belly (pictured right) to control the ball then strikes the ball past the keeper finding the top of the net and his second goal for the game. Certainly a wise decision to leave him out of goals; 5-2.

OM’s had well and truly dropped their bundle now, and stopped running. AC continued to surge forward, but just couldn’t get a sixth. Most notable of the efforts was a thunderous strike form the corner of the box from Zoolander, which just clipped the cross bar.

Senior and respected player, JT, mentioned in the rooms after the game “that win was worth a lot today”, to which a numbers driven geek who shall remain nameless responded “yep, a lot, three points by my calculations”......smart ar**

All lovers of statistics would be very interested in a comment made by the QE2, who pointed out “We’ve lost to all the teams that we beat in the first half and beaten all the teams we lost to”. So, on that premise we should look forward to a very successful second half of the season given that we lost a lot of games in the first half.

AC Malvern 5 - 2 Old Melbournians

Hendo 2, Owen 2, Jason

Bottoms up?

A courageous performance seven days earlier saw the AC lads go down like the S.S Lewinsky to the silver-set of Caulfield Grammar in a gutsy display that gave the eventual victors a severe fright, leaving AC with plenty of pride to take into the remainder of the season.

All the same, admirable losses only get you so far, and they certainly don’t save your derriere from relegation – A prospect both AC Malvern and their next opponent, Riversdale, are seriously staring at.

A mass exodus of it’s more ‘cosmopolitan’ personnel is always the biggest threat to any team courting around the ‘R’ word. Escape strategies are convened in the form of changes to team formation, extra training sessions (what exactly is this ‘training’ lark anyway?) bonding sessions and team retreats. The more adventurous desperado’s have even had the entire team jump out of an aeroplane together!

For AC, the more low key sabbatical seemed the best tonic, and a night on the town to send off favourite son, US import Mad Mike Radtke (pictured right). Not only was it camaraderie they were chasing, but also the true meanings of some of those ridiculous nicknames. The say the devils brew keeps no secrets, and this debaucheries night out was to keep that notion in check. Pete (self explanatory) ‘Jaegarbomb’ Phillips testament to this. Tim ‘twinkle toes’ Nolan assured all that the dance floor is not where this name was conceived, whilst Ivan ‘Zoolander’ Dennis can surely go one better and change his sobriquet to ‘book ends’ or ‘the perch’ for the not one, but two filly’s he seemingly had either side of him for most of the evening. Prick.

But enough of that for now….

A wary (and still somewhat ‘weary’ from Friday night) AC Malvern approached it’s next clash knowing that a win at home today would provide much needed breathing space in the fight for survival after their heartbreaking loss the week prior. Conversely, bottom placed Riversdale arrived with a spring it the step after a 6 nil trouncing of a side placed much further north than themselves.

AC would again be restricted for depth, and without a goalkeeper. They did however welcome back a very brave and gaunt looking Matt Pinkney who managed to sneak out of the Alfred’s ICU unnoticed to help fight the cause alongside his AC Malvern brothers…… so naturally they stuck him in goal.

As usual AC started well, and you got the impression that the Friday night knees up had reinvigorated a few of the boys. Steve Pen(folds plonk – any varietal, and lots of) Creswell was very lively early linking up with AC’s phantom Brendan who provided much needed run throughout the day.
Riversdale employed a solid back four, and it was clear from the outset that chances were going to be few and, therefore had to be capitalised on. Not without a fleet-of-foot midfield of their own, Riversdale weren’t backwards in surging forward, a ridiculously accurate Gordon Strachan lookalike always lurking. The Scottish Terrier launched “the Dales” (I know, how gay!) first attack which very nearly bore fruit, but only for the ignoramus incompetantus up front for the blue & white. The affectionately dubbed ‘bomber’ (yes, he was fat AND stupid – and resembled one of the Baldwin brothers, the washed up one) would quickly morph into AC’s most loathed opponent, and you kind of got the impression that he wasn’t too highly regarded by his own team either – had a real ‘coaches son’ vibe to his inclusion, if you know what this small orange pony means.

After a run up the middle, the Scottish Terrier was dispossessed in a grassing tackle, but with an air of luck, the ball somehow ricocheted into the AC 18 yard box. Panic to clear the congested area ensued as JT attempted to hoof the ball away (as he would successfully all day). Bomber, completely oblivious to himself (aren’t those types just ALWAYS like that?!) accidentally got his girth in the path of the ball which bounced off his hand and past Matt for what was claimed to be first goal. The ref (who earlier employed injured Coult’s as his lackey to do all sorts of things from polishing his boots, writing his jokes and, unfortunately scooping up dog sh*t) looked certain to award the goal, but for the protests of the AC defenders. Riversdale, or more specifically, fat bomber, would offer a riposte of “nah, it came off my chin”. It was clear that anything that got near this fellow’s mouth would never been in solid form again, so it really was a ridiculous argument. As FIFA would have one do (and this guy was the love child of FIFA), the referee conferred with the (Riversdale) linesman for a ‘video replay’ if you will. In one of the very few sporting acts of the day, the linesman said he wasn’t sure and the goal was disallowed. Bomber would use this decision as a platform for argument on every 50/50 decision for the remainder of the afternoon.

After a pretty heavy stint defending in their own half, AC were finally rewarded with some free flowing movement into enemy territory. Unlike Riversdale, AC pounced on the first chance it got – Damo skipping past past several players laid the ball off to the left to Hendo. Hendo; does what he does oh so well, and brought the player skip count to six, then sending a hard low past splitting the remaining defenders to the awaiting Damo. Damo, who has been so close to scoring for many seasons, duely slotted the ball into the back of the net. 1 nil.

Two to Hendy in as many weeks – the boy has his mojo back, and credits the rediscovery of form to a recent healing séance with 20,000 other Celtic monks held at Surfers Paradise. What was that mountain nectar they had you on Hendy?!

With confidence and swagger, AC continued their attack and very nearly made it 2 nil on several occasions. As legs tired, and the first changes were made, and a shift came over the game, and Riversdale again got themselves back into scoring contention. Corners came in, were cleared, came back again – on it went. Having spent most of the first half on the attack, finally ‘the dales’ were able to register an equalizer after an ugly goal mouth scramble.

With just minutes on the clock for the first half, AC launched one final attack, this time down the right flank – a move involving Pete, Damo and Pricey. A shot eventually came in from Hendy which deflected to Steve with his back to goal who then wound back the clock with a spectacular overhead shot that only narrowly went over the crossbar. Halftime – 1 each.

AC took a positive view into the break, knowing it had defended well, and probably should have been in front despite limited chances. With Matt’s intravenous drip on low supply, it was decided he stay in goal. This was an awe-inspiring display of courage, and this little orange pony was about to refer the reader to the poems of WW1 hero Wilfred Owen, to typify Pinkney’s courage. Then I thought, “wait, matt’s a journo’, surely there’s tons of Pinkney insight to borrow?” It was then I was reminded of his late night sticky-floored karaoke sessions and went back to Wilfred who said: “Thither your years may gather in from storm. And Love, that sleepth there, will keep thee warm”. Not sure where that fit’s in with Matt’s heroics, but you get the drift…..

In a frustrating second half, Riversdale consistently used the ball better than AC did. Ten minutes in, the signs weren’t looking good, when the Scottish Terrier was left with light years of time to again surge forward and shoot at goal, hitting the crossbar. A defender had scored their first half equalizer, this time one of the better Riversdale midfielders was able to find himself unmarked, waltz into goal and put the away team in front. 2-1 Riversdale.

It was a massive blow to AC, who after so much run – even out of defence, in the first half, seemed to be going up and down on the spot. More attacks came, and were cleared, usually by JT or a jet lagged Richard Owen, back from a Northcote wedding in his native Wales, where he rubbed shoulders with the likes of Ani Defranco, Lindsay Lohan, Ellen & Portia, Beth Orton and Sinead O’Connor, just to name a few.

With frustration setting in, the ref seemed to be getting more involved with the free kick generosity. At one point he even directed at JT: “you! Shut the hell up!”

After successfully stopping the Scottish Terrier once again, a strong tackle from JT saw the soft fanta-pants hit the deck in search of a penalty. Given the ref’s patience, and perhaps his opinion of JT, a penalty was outrageously given! Pinkney, with Lucozade in hand, was unable to intercept the shot from another Riversdale defender. 3-1

Having been shadowed by everyone around him, fat bomber was getting well annoyed by his own inabilities, and I suggest tiring also as he begun to use AC players like the nearby park benches, much to their distress and annoyance. After a fair bit of verbal attention directed his way including such mirth as “hey Colin, you mark the fat one” and “you’re the worst player on a winning team” he finally sat on one too many heads and was given an overdue yellow card. Perhaps he had low blood sugar levels and wasn’t thinking straight(90 minutes without a cheeseburger), or more likely he really is as thick as two short planks, but “hey look at the scoreboard” was never going to boost his higher IQ aspirations – more obviously given there is no scoreboard at Central Park. Genius.

With minutes remaining, and Riversdale thinking they had it in their safe keeping and much of the attack; AC deliverd a magnificent clearing ball which found Hendo charging down the field. This time however, Hendo decided not to skip past the defenders, holding the ball up before laying off yet another fine ball throught to the rempaging Brendan. Brendan justified his impressive ‘engine’ fame making plenty of noise before finishing a fine pass with a fine goal. Sadly, it would be too little too late, and leave AC Malvern stone motherless last.

Final. Riversdale 3 AC Malvern 2

Quote of the day: “f*ck off Kojak you c*nt!” – JT’s well timed dig at a Riversdale skinhead

So close......yet, so far!

Geographically speaking, a Central Park AC Malvern V Caulfield Grammar clash immediately conjures up images and assumptions of a local derby. And for the pedestrian attitude that complements any aspiring Sunday footballer, the luxury of a ‘home away from home’ game.

This couldn’t have been any further from the truth for the AC lads, nor could the game have been played any further away by a Division 3 South-East Metropolitan standard.

For the Caulfield Grammar ‘umbrella’, if you like, reaches far and wide, with campuses at Yarra Junction in the East, to Nanjing, China of all places, in the North (I guess?).

So out to the foot of the mountains AC Malvern trekked, well to Jells Park, Wheelers Hill more specifically, to take on the No. 1 ranked Grammarians at their self proclaimed ‘house of pain’. (see archive pic, above right, like something from the set of Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds”)

The Grammarians are famous for a lot of things, including possibly the world’s most insightful slogan: “More than a school”.

And boy, aren’t they just, it’s Academia is best represented the by the likes of Victoria’s first ever Rhodes Scholar, the simply named John Clifford Valentine-Behan, whilst it’s chamber of commerce boasts former student and Vegemite founder Fred Walker. Sideways step to the school arts centre, and you might find Nick Cave and his bad seeds, who’ve been smashing up Caulfield dorms since 1973. But it’s sport that we’re here to herald, and the Grammarian’s reputation isn’t too bad on that front either - Glenn Archer, John Landy and Brownlow Medallist Chris Judd some of the bigger jocks to roam the halls. No such round ball luminaries to speak of but AC Malvern expected a solid hit out all the same.

Unavailability in the form of injury, personal commitments and even swine flu were evident in the lack of personnel for both sides. The Grammarians only just managed to field a full side of 11, sans reserves, whilst AC Malvern were reliant on it’s ‘extended family’ of has-beens, ex-pats and friend of a friends’ to prop up it’s stocks.

1st Stanza

Mother Nature wasn’t about to take any prisoners on this perfectly sunny Winter’s day, as the bitch sent down a near cyclonic gale right from the kickoff (pictured right). The Grammarians then won the first tactical battle of the day in the form of the coin toss, sending AC Malvern and it’s proverbial comb-over running into the wind for the first half. With such an advantage, the youthful Grammarians were able to pin AC Malvern down in their own half for the opening 30 or so minutes, with (yet another) debutant keeper Ren, on hand to repel a barrage of scoring chances in an impressive display at the back. Unfortunately his goalkicks wouldn’t do his keeping any justice whatsoever. For all the Caulfield shots that weren’t on target (i.e. most of them), the linesman/spectators were kept well busy chasing down errant strikes that seemed to find their way onto the neighbouring tennis courts, hockey fields and footy ovals, courtesy of the violent zephyr stirring.

The Grammarian’s seemed to work the elements much better than AC, and it became evident that keeping the ball on the deck was key to moving forward. To their credit AC continued to battle, often verbally, and often with one another! Such was the frantic pace of being in the Grammarian’s gun for such an amount of time.

AC’s mature age freshman Mark, was on hand to clear off the line after Caulfield’s zippy No. 9 performed a Lord of the Dance airy that Michael Flatley would’ve done the splits over. This moment would be the instigator in a war of words with his AC opponent twinkle toes Nolan, who offered “mate, you couldn’t score in a morgue” as encouragement.

After a couple of close calls, usually from corners, it was clear that something had to give. Fortunately for once this season, it wasn’t the hamstring, groin, or ankle of an AC player, and after more admirable defending, Pete ‘Jaegarbomb’ Phillips, playing well in the unfamiliar possie of centre-back made possibly his first glitch in two years of football and found himself caught out courtesy of that f*cking wind again. To his credit, the spotty Caulfield youth playing centre-forward timed his run to perfection and finished even better. This after very nearly pulling off goal of the year with an inside flick just moments earlier. 1 nil Grammarians.

Rather than play a 0-2-8 formation whilst under such a siege, AC never for a moment looked like putting the cue in the rack. Instead, neat passing movements to the feet of those in open spaces proved to be the best way to buy the black and red some respite and ultimately create chances of their own. Like a late night Russian chess match, AC’s formation gradually manoeuvred their way down field and started to get Caulfield on the back foot. They say the element of surprise is the key to success in any war, and this was no different. With Caulfield ‘assuming’ they’d score first (which they did), and then assuming they’d immediately run over the top of us (which they definitely didn’t), it must’ve been a tack in the ar$e to see a couple of free kicks from the boot of Steve (pen – apparently) Creswell have the Grammarians’ defence scrambling. AC’s confidence continued to build, and finally they were rewarded when after another wide passing movement saw Hendy in enough to space to step around 2 or 3 opponents and cleverly steer the ball pass the keeper at the near post. 1 a piece.

From here there was a real belief from a determined AC outfit that this could be their day. An equally determined Grammarian’s side rallied and the remaining 15 minutes of the first half was a tight encounter. However, like so many times this season, AC let it’s supporters and themselves down and allowed another opportunity for the Grammarians to attack. Maybe it was luck, maybe that ‘A’ word proved AC’s downfall and they ‘assumed’ 1 all would be taken to the break. All the same, the ball fell to one of the Grammarian’s better players who from a wide position would emulate Hendy’s earlier effort and score his first of 3 for the day in tucking the ball under a despairing Ren to regain the lead. Halftime 2-1.

2nd Stanza

Despite the wind this time being very much in AC’s favour, JT stressed to all that: “the wind will not score for us, you have to believe this”. It was a stirring (albeit obvious) William Wallace type moment, and enough to inspire a sorely missed onlooking Coult’s to declare “groin? What sodding groin? I’m going in!”. With a slightly revised formation, yet another debutant keeper in Pete and fresh legs, AC started the second half with great optimism. Until this point in the match, the game had been played in a reasonably fair tone. It did seem however that AC were a little closer on the scoreboard that the previously ‘untouchable’ Grammarian’s would’ve liked. It was then that Caulfield’s oddly numbered ‘0’ would break into song for the rest of the afternoon with what would have to have been the most excruciating and maddening cockney accent ever to entertain ears with. Amy Winehouse would’ve been proud, and whine he did, again and again and again, like something off the set of EastEnders. With a head like a broken sandshoe to match, ‘0’ would appal and repulse to the point of several AC players later complaining of the bends and perforated ear drums. The high pitched baritone would even go on to reaggrivate poor old Coult’s groin, who staked his claim for the week’s ‘pants’ award with his flash-in-the-pan comeback. Whilst he didn’t put his money where is mouth was (nobody, I mean NOBODY has that much money), ‘0’ was a critical cog of the Grammarian’s midfield and able to instigate scoring opportunities (and deafness).

Unlike the first half, AC struggled to work their way into the contest and seemed to be forever on the back foot. This a major let down given they had the breeze in their favour.

After another dazzling run from ‘0’, AC found themselves heavily outnumbered and unable to scramble troops back as the ball was easily slotted into an open goal for a steadying 3-1 lead.
Insert broken record here – cos like so many times this season, AC’s inconsistency not only failed to create scoring chances of their own, but put everyone on the back foot as the opposition lifted and went in for the kill. With ‘0’ getting louder with every positive Caulfield moment, AC tried to counter in an effort to not only get back in the match, but to shut the little punk up. Strong performances by an injury hampered (possibly also due to deafness) Engel, the versatile Ren, ring-in’s Jason, Mark and Justin kept the match competitive.

That aside, the Grammarian’s are top of the table for a reason, and for everything AC threw at them, they seemed to have an equally good response. With 10 minutes to go, the AC defence, after pressing all day for an opening again found themselves under fire and a simple finish not only staved off AC’s hopes but also gave the Grammarian’s No. 8 his third for the day. Fittingly, ‘0’ was first to let the AC faithful (and everyone else) know about it. In a post match interview, the hat-trick man was said to be filthy about having his thunder stolen by ‘0’ and offered: “Not only did I have a speech prepared following such an achievement, but ‘0’ also helped himself to the match ball”.

Richard ‘QE2’ Price, arguably the most improved AC stalwart this year again showed his mettle and nipped at the heels of the Grammarian’s defence all afternoon. Finally pressure from he and a couple of others were able to turn the usually reliable Caulfield defence into a right rabble. A nice pass across the face of goal landed at Pricey’s feet, who, with plenty still to do, was able to step inside and dogmatically slam the ball home. Final score, a respectable 4-2.

AC Malvern 2 - 4 Caulfield

Hendo & Own goal.......kidding, the QE2 Pricey (Finally)

Interesting fixture for the AC lads, up against cellar-dweller Riversdale who’re coming off a 6 blot win.

STRIKE; Victory is mine!

The Writes Guild of America paved the way for writers around the world. Their actions, via the strike of 2007-08 lasting 100 days, made waves in Hollywood and brought about significant changes throughout the industry. The strike resulted in fairer payments for all writers, ultimately sharing in a great piece of the lucrative entertainment industry pie.

Roll forward to June-July 2009 and the Terrible Blog Writers Association (TBWA) decided to take similar actions; the premise being a reduction in strict spelling and grammar standards imposed on blogs world wide. On the 19th July 2009 agreement was reached and the lofty standards were removed and are now only imposed on real writers. This is truly a significant day for bloggers out there who dribbles endless diatribes of useless information on; life, love, hobbies and in this case sporting accomplishments of random low level teams.

Anyway, with spelling and grammar freedom I will dive into a summary of the match between the once great AC Malvern and the young, skilled and athletic Monash Uni students. The last game between the mismatched duo saw Monash Uni outrun and outplay AC to the tune of 2-1.
Playing the 400th home game for the season AC strode onto the now familiar Central Park surface ready to start the game; however not before abusing a local for allowing his dog to defecate on the hallowed turf.

We weren’t long into the game when you could sense something special was about to unfold. Despite AC missing their key striker Hendo and having various players in goal who were unfamiliar with the concept of shot stopping, AC looked finely tuned. Passes were connecting and lack of speed doesn’t matter when you control the ball.

An early foray forward Steve slides in a lovely cross that the goal keeper could only get a hand to. The ball fell to ground and the awaiting prodigal son, Duncan, pounced mid scramble to slot home a welcome goal; 1-0

I said earlier that speed doesn’t matter, well it did. The Uni boys charged down the pitch outrunning their defenders to find themselves one out with keeper Zoolander. More at home on a cat walk, Zoolander looked confused, couldn’t pull out the Magnum (pictured left) and the Monash striker slotted the ball into the net; 1-1.

A rapid counter attack……..[sorry, stopping for breath – fast paced you know and I’m old]……..and [insert name here] takes the ball down the right flank to again cross the ball to the back post. The keeper again deflected the ball, but this time to Colin who with precision and guile guided the ball past the bumbling keeper; 2-1

AC, on any given Sunday would normally rest on this and allow the Uni boys to dominate. However, today was not that day. Brendan taking control of the ball inside the box approached the keeper then comically bounced the ball under the diving keeper like he was playing down ball in the school yard. It was their day, oh yes it was their day; 3-1

In what could be viewed as the most comical or stupidest moment of the game, the QE2 Pricey, hung over after arriving home at 6AM (TBC by Iva). In his still drunken state he stumbled off the pitch picked up a drink, cigarette and oxygen tank and walked back on before receiving a pass. The ref stopped play and awarded Monash a free kick for the stupidity…….Pants award? Maybe, most definitely.

3-1 is a good lead to take into the half; however MU had different ideas, again using speed (not the drug) to outfox AC the defence and glide the ball past the keeper; 3-2

Half time
What would end up being the “team” goal of the game started with Zoolander taking the ball out of defence on the left wing getting past two players before reaching the box and realising he has no left foot. A stop and prop move before finding Mr R. Price the first charging down to meet the pass. Price, emulating Mr D Beckham curled the ball to Duncan at the back post who headed goal ward. The keeper saved, but again fumbled and Brendan watching and waiting like a Meerkat (pictured left) pounced on the scraps to slot his second for the game; 4-2

The final nail in the Uni boy’s coffin came via a signature Cresswell move. Taking the ball at the half, Steve rush forward avoiding defenders a d toe poked the ball into the goal; 5-2

End of game, and AC’s first victory since round two.

AC Malvern 5 - 2 Monash Uni

Brendan 2, Duncan, Colin, Cresswell

A little off song.....

History has told us that a ladder position has meant nothing in terms of results, however in terms of importance this week’s match was vital. Two of the leagues under performing cellar dwellers for season 2009 would go head to head, with the winner getting some much needed breathing space from the drop zone.

AC were without some key personnel for the game against Sandringham; Engel, Mad Mike, Coults, Colin and their rock solid Holy Goalie, Con, but there is no excuse with such great depth on the playing list.

I won’t go into the usual diatribe of AC controlling the game early on, because it’s the same thing week in week out. The importance lies in whether or not they convert the dominance over their opponents into goals people, goals…….here are some of the first half efforts:

“Ralpha to the left of me Dennis to the right and I’m stuck in the middle with you” sang an advancing Pricey to his tight marking defender. Managing to maintain enough space so not to be called lovers Price broke free with only the goalie to beat and Zoolander yelling “shoot, shoot”. Whether a result of low self confidence or an act of unselfishness, Price laid off to Ralpha missing the target and a golden opportunity. No Goal

Pricey, again the focus of this move, found himself in the box with ball at feet and a goal beckoning. Salivating at the opportunity of scoring, on the pitch this time, he danced left to his non favoured side and unleashed a shot straight into the defenders crown jewels. Tears welled in the eyes of the QE2 at a missed opportunity.

You know what I’m bored of describing a blow by blow series of near misses and music is the glue that binds the world together, but it’s also a great medium to describe events and feelings. Hall & Oates stole this off the Righteous Brothers and now the AC Malvern “Righteous” Supporters have penned their version of the classic to describe what’s really going on down Malvern way.


YOU'VE LOST THAT WINNING FEELING (The Righteous Supporters)
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vP1YUkweRA&feature=related]

You never score many goals any more
When you take the pitch
And no balls hit the net like before
So I’ve cracked the sh*ts
You're trying hard not to show it AC
But AC, AC I know it

You've lost that winning feeling
Oh, that winning feeling
You've lost that winning feeling
Now it's gone, gone, gone
Whoa-oh

Now there's no defensiveness
In your wings when they get to you
And strikers you're starting to criticize
little things we do
It makes me just feel like crying AC
'Cause AC, something beautiful's dying

You've lost that winning feeling
Oh that winning feeling
Bring back that winning feeling
Now it's gone gone gone
And I can't go on
No-oh-oh

AC AC I get down on my knees for you
If you would only win like you used to do
We had a win
A win a win you don't find every day
So don't...don't...don't let it slip away

I said AC, AC, AC, AC
I begging you please, I begging you please
I need a win, I need a win
So bring it on back, bring on back
Now bring it on back

Bring back that winning feeling
Oh, that winning feeling
Bring back that winning feeling
Now it's gone...gone...gone...
And I can't go on...
No-oh-oh...

Bring it back Malvern; seriously, bring it back!

At the risk of referencing song lyrics too much…….
Guess who's back, Back again
Hendy's back, Tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back,
guess who's back guess who's back, guess who's back,
guess who's back..

Hendy’s back and he’s scoring again!

Highlights of the remainder of the game:
- The late inclusion of Justin; despite looking somewhat like FAT Frank Lampard, fortunately for us he had the skills to match
- Pricey’s second half effort and recovery in goal which may have given him a permanent spot
- Ren’s beautiful back heel in the box which unfortunately was at the wrong end – OWN GOAL
- JT’s return and the return of his Karate Kid style tackling
- Hendo’s feisty exchange with the Sandy defender,
- Zoolander closing out the game with his own feisty exchange with the Sandy goalkeeper

AC Malvern 1 -1 Sandringham
Hendo

The one that got away, the one that got away, the one that got away

Our friends at the classy news publication USA Today suggested that saving a penalty spot kick is the ninth hardest thing to do in sport; behind riding in the Tour de France, running a marathon and pole vaulting to name a few. The difficulty rating is clearly backed up by a study completed by Professor Bob Gustavson of John Brown University in Siloam USA, who found that during the 2002 MLS season 70.5% of penalties resulted in goals.

If you think about it, the kick is taken 12 yards from the keeper and depending on the speed of the shot; the keeper has around 0.25-0.50 of a second to react, move in the right direction and save the shot. I think you’d have a better chance of winning lotto, or Australia hosting the 2018 World Cup.
You can’t argue with statistics, but I wonder if somewhere in this world there was an instance where three penalties were missed in one game? Well it seems so; Argentinean striker Martin Palermo (

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD93d2Blkhc ) now has company in this exclusive group, AC Malvern’s own Steve (Pen) Cresswell.

Below is a guideline for those wanting to know how to score a penalty:

Anyway, on with the match report where the details will become more apparent. Today’s opponent, and hopefully victim, was long time foe St Kevin’s. Previous battles with the all whites from south of the Yarra have usually been a balanced affair with St Kevin’s marginally holding the upper hand over the years.

The game had been shifted to the “fortress” that is Central Park, as the private school lads were without a home ground. This was something that disappointed the Malvern boys as it’s a venue they haven’t tasted victory at since round one against Caulfield.

Malvern controlled much of early going with some great balls played forward to the duo of Hendo and Ralpha, however brilliant keeping and defensive work would denying them a result. Then as Hendo made a run into the box he was taken down and the “State 1” referee had no hesitation tooting on his whistle and pointing to the spot.

The trusty “I’ve never missed in my entire career” Cresswell stepped up and thundered the ball toward the right hand side of the goal. Then, from nowhere; was it a bird or a plane? Nope it was a 7ft Irish git dressed in green with an insane appetite for saving penalties, which he did. The ball deflected back into play and with [insert name here] on the end of it about to score when a stupid tackle takes him to ground. Once again “Mr State 1” blows on whistle and points to the spot for another penalty and importantly a chance for redemption.

With AC’s hearts in their collective mouth’s Steve stepped up and on this occasion opted for precision over power, he struck the ball toward the left corner. The sighs of a painful miss as the ball went past the left post could be heard far and wide. St Kev’s couldn’t believe there luck and AC couldn’t buy a goal.

With less than a minute left in the half an errant tackle outside the SKEV’s box results in a free kick. The seasoned SKEV’s veteran stepped up and curled the ball around the wall and past the keeper for the first goal of the game; 0-1……..

HALF TIME

The AC rooms were very quiet and no-one would dare mention the unfortunate events of earlier. Everybody and I mean everybody felt for Steve at this point and hoped his luck would turn. His on-field performance was a display of dominance, potentially a man of the match thus so far. Not even that was enough to change his mood.

Again the in the second half AC were dominant and despite some flurries forward, one in which Zoolander knocked the ball away from Hendo mid juggle, no resulting goal came their way.

Soon enough Hendo picked the ball up down the left wing, skinned his player took the ball to the goal line and whipped a hard and low cross into the box and awaiting Pete had the ball delivered to his feet. Though marked heavily by a defender, Pete trapped the ball, did a 180 turn, stepped inside the dizzy defender and with the deftest of touch from the outside of his boot slotted the goal. Like a rabbit across a field he charged for the corner post and emulated the celebrations of Cahill, pictured right. Pete now has a firm grip on best goal celebration with a boot shine earlier in the season and boxing Pete today; 1-1.

With minutes to go another Malvern player was taken down in the box, and once again Mr State 1 pointed to the spot. Redemption is near…….A nervous Steve again stepped up and this time opted for power. The pall was struck with ferocious power to the right; and AGAIN the lanky Irish keeper somehow lunged and saved the goal. Three missed opportunities, but no other player from AC could have done any better and the keeper was definitely their saviour and man of the match.
AC would have to settle for a draw, but its better than a loss……...I guess.

Some other greats have missed penalties in there career far more important than the ones today; Baggio in the World Cup, Lampard in the Champions League Final and even Viduka’s miss nearly cost Australia a World Cup birth in 2006. To make Steve feel better, here are some of the worst penalties caught on camera:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIaby1-pf0k

AC Malvern 1-1 St Kevins

Petey

AC's nemesis