Mauling, mutiny and poaching

It’s at this point when it becomes apparent that there are a lot of weeks in the season and as a result a lot of match reports. Seriously, how many ways can one describe effectively the same thing, an honourable loss, in a variety of ways? So, like the players of AC I am starting to feel the niggles, pains and fatigue of what has been a long and arduous season on the pitch and on the keyboard.



With their backs to the wall and facing mission NEAR impossible AC arrived at the home of Ol’Scotch, ready for battle. Survival an respect were foremost on the minds of the players with only a win in the last two games of the season giving them a very slim hope of staying in Division two. Standing in their way was a heavily stacked team who, in the last four games had scored 17 goals; so the outlook was bleak.

One would be mistaken for thinking that Scotch, being the elite school of Melbourne, would provide a pitch as good, if not better than the new AAMI Park. Hell, Ol’ Trinity and OM’s do, but alas stepping foot on the pitch revealed a baron land with about as much grass as on the pitch as a modern porn star.

The good news: a warmish sunny day. The bad news: the pitch, the opposition, a warmish sunny day and why not blame the curvature of the earth.


I preface this by letting you all know that I lost my notes in an incident which involved; paper, a pocket, water and a washing machine. Yep, I am a truly professional writer….honest, I am. Actually calling myself a writer makes me laugh. So maybe I’m a comedian? I digress…..

The first four minutes started off quiet promising. Three wags on the sideline, a coach and a determined team who were piling on the pressure and forcing the Scotch keeper to raise his heart rate above a pedestrian thud. Jay and Hendy were causing all sorts of trouble and the belief was building.

Then came the turning point of the match; a thumping long kick the length of the ground. The ball and the OS number ten headed Wong-ward at a rampant pace intent on meeting before sending the ball netbound. Wong would become the first victim of the pitch with the ball bouncing unpredictably high and looking to outwit the lunging keeper. Wong managed to get a paw to the ball, but played it nicely to the foot of the awaiting striker who found the net with ease. 1-0 and the beginning of a very troubling first half.

Scotch was intent to bury the game continuing their goal scoring spree and despite best efforts by our lads it was looking likely. AC looked lost as they tried in vein to shut down their playmakers to wrestle back control. The usually calm Captain Cresswell was loosing his cool; Pricey could be heard saying “I can’t be bothered; I’m hung over” it was a mutiny and no one wanted to go down with the ship as the Scotch boys found another two goals.

Trying to stem the flow, and regain the confidence of the players; Rafa Dennis sent the ever enthusiastic Flemo into a battle. “Sacrifice you game son for the greater good of the team. Run with the number ten. Annoy the s*** out of him DO NOT leave his side, not even if he goes to the toilet!!!”. The tactical move seemed to work with Stu doing a stellar job, even forcing the number ten to the bench for an extended period.

HALF TIME

Half time couldn’t come soon enough and a flat AC awaited direction from the soon to be departing coach (predicting the future here). In fact, Rafa Dennis, sensing his fate pulled on his boots and took to the pitch for a ten minute stint to try and prove that if he’s sacked that he still has something to offer this lot. Despite a few touches and his trade mark push and shove with number seven the mission failed and he hit the bench again.

The second half was more of the same with a dominant Scotch, lead by number ten, finding the net twice more by games end to have a handful of goals in the bag. That said there was some stand out AC moments, with the top five being:

1. A deft lob by Dunc from the right wing finding itself in the back of the net
2. Hendy, the goal machine, living up to his name slotting one home
3. Stu’s ability to run with the playmaker. The pair were that close that they are rumoured to be catching up for dinner this week. Wedding bells?

4. Timbo Nolan battling on despite his back repeatedly ceasing up – tough!

5. The stalwart, JT marshalling defence despite a constant barrage of attacks
6. The mouthy and ugly Scotch number seven getting a blood nose – priceless!


Yeah, yeah that’s six……I never said I could count.


The game ended to the chilling echo of number seven yelling to the sidelines “enjoy relegation f*** heads”. Good bloke, full of humility and sportsmanship, but in the end we may go down, but he will be forever ugly.

AC Malvern 2 – 5 Single Malt
Winton, Henderson

Mannie;s man of the match: Jay Byrne
WAG's man of the match: Ivan Dennis (mainly cuase he stood there in bike shorts)


News in brief:
- After the match AC Malvern announced the official end of reign of Rafa Dennis as coach. It’s speculated that Dennis saw the writing on the wall and resigned rather than facing the chop from club officials.

In a letter to club officials it’s believed Dennis said “It’s disappointing, but I believe my position has become untenable. Despite my best efforts, compassion and tolerance the players have lost faith in me and no longer play with the conviction required at this elite level.

I wish the club well as they face new challenges in division three next year and enter the world of football without regrets.


- The season is yet to be completed, but the transfer rumour mill is well and truly active. The latest is a raping an pillaging of the league winning Caulfield with one (and potentially more) yet to be named players sending their Mr 15% in for talks with AC Malvern. The only information available is that the first arrival may be Northern Irish.