You've just cost me my coaching career!

A match against Old Melbournians is always a recipe for excitement, violence and sledging. You see, over the years these two teams have built quite a rivally, fuelled by hatred and a lack of a winner in the last four outtings.

Today's game was an important one as it had the added incentive of being the top of the table clash with the winner getting the early psychological advantage in the chase for the glass ball.

Such was the importance that the boys from AC called on the services of football expert and coach extraordinaire, Terry Wallace, to guide them through the rough seas ahead. You could ask for greater guidance in such a tough situation and surely Terry would extract the best from the boys.

The International fan base continues to expand with the parents of team sweeper, Richard Owen (pictured right) on hand, with commentator/wife Jo and daughter Matilda also watching from the stands.

The game began with the red and black of AC controlling possession; however unable to get the ball forward of the half to even create a scoring opportunity. An arm wrestle ensued as heads slowly dropped in frustration, the boys from Melbourne Grammar put their parents funded high cost education to good use, working out that the probability of AC connecting more than one pass was close to zero; therefore pouncing on every wayward ball.

It was never going to take long, and then it began oh so simply. A harmless run down the left wing turned ugly when the OM’s number 11 walked into the box unchallenged and took a hopeful shot finding the bottom left corner. GOAL; 0-1.

Fresh off the back of celebrating his very own double denim third decade party the night before (pictured left); Coults found himself lunging for the ball deep in defence. POP! And there is was, the upper inner thigh of the wee Gordie lad, also known as the groin, was gone. Hearts sank as hopes of a comeback were beginning to fade as Coults was carried off. A translator on hand was able to decipher this from the mouth of the new number 32, Pete Phillips “That beeatch was carving up the dance floor last night. He was busting moves that the bastard child of Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake would be scared to try…..and that’s for real”. Team medical advisor, Mad Mike went on call to get enough ice to treat the smallest man in the team, eventually coming back with an ice bag that was the equivalent of a polar ice cap.

From there things only got uglier. My post match counselling session has told me that I needed to erase the memory of all events that followed in order to help me move on, but in summary it went like this:

Goal; 0 – 2
Oh dear
Goal; 0 – 3
Could it get any worse? Yep
Goal; 0 – 4

Suddenly, the devastation of what was unfolding hit home and AC dropped the game style circa season 2008 and starting playing some ball. A few half chances unfolded, but only one was good enough with a corner from [insert name here] finding the head of who else, but Mad Mike who headed home the goal; 1-4.

Tweet-tweet went the whistle and a sullen bunch traipsed pavilion bound to dissect the game as a group. The door was firmly shut behind and a tirade of abuse with words even ol’ salty sailors have never heard spewed from the mouth of the tanned and leathery Wallace. Suddenly he launched for a defenceless Coulter spitting from his phlegm filled mouth “You’ve cost me my coaching career”.

Post game was akin to a wake with most clearing out quickly to have their respective lovers dry the tears of disappointment from their eyes. Those without lovers stood in a circle looking uncomfortably at the ground kicking the dirt before the weirdness got too much.

Without sounding cliché, this little green man will add a fitting cliché of “It was the loss we had to have” and for mine, it was best it was early on. Old Melbournians may have won the battle, but they haven’t won the war. [just to add another useless cliche]

AC Malvern 1 – 4 Old Melbournians
Mad Mike

News in brief:

- The playing leadership group and club Directors (pictured right) met on Monday to discuss the future of Coach Wallace. The vote was unanimous; Wallace was out and shall never coach again at AC Malvern.
- AC Malvern players were disappointed to find that the Old Melbournians of 2009 were actually a good bunch of blokes making it difficult to perpetuate the hatred.
Mark Coulter is off to Newcastle for round two of the double denim third century celebrations and will miss six weeks.