Geographically speaking, a Central Park AC Malvern V Caulfield Grammar clash immediately conjures up images and assumptions of a local derby. And for the pedestrian attitude that complements any aspiring Sunday footballer, the luxury of a ‘home away from home’ game.
This couldn’t have been any further from the truth for the AC lads, nor could the game have been played any further away by a Division 3 South-East Metropolitan standard.
For the Caulfield Grammar ‘umbrella’, if you like, reaches far and wide, with campuses at Yarra Junction in the East, to Nanjing, China of all places, in the North (I guess?).
So out to the foot of the mountains AC Malvern trekked, well to Jells Park, Wheelers Hill more specifically, to take on the No. 1 ranked Grammarians at their self proclaimed ‘house of pain’. (see archive pic, above right, like something from the set of Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds”)
The Grammarians are famous for a lot of things, including possibly the world’s most insightful slogan: “More than a school”.
And boy, aren’t they just, it’s Academia is best represented the by the likes of Victoria’s first ever Rhodes Scholar, the simply named John Clifford Valentine-Behan, whilst it’s chamber of commerce boasts former student and Vegemite founder Fred Walker. Sideways step to the school arts centre, and you might find Nick Cave and his bad seeds, who’ve been smashing up Caulfield dorms since 1973. But it’s sport that we’re here to herald, and the Grammarian’s reputation isn’t too bad on that front either - Glenn Archer, John Landy and Brownlow Medallist Chris Judd some of the bigger jocks to roam the halls. No such round ball luminaries to speak of but AC Malvern expected a solid hit out all the same.
Unavailability in the form of injury, personal commitments and even swine flu were evident in the lack of personnel for both sides. The Grammarians only just managed to field a full side of 11, sans reserves, whilst AC Malvern were reliant on it’s ‘extended family’ of has-beens, ex-pats and friend of a friends’ to prop up it’s stocks.
1st Stanza
Mother Nature wasn’t about to take any prisoners on this perfectly sunny Winter’s day, as the bitch sent down a near cyclonic gale right from the kickoff (pictured right). The Grammarians then won the first tactical battle of the day in the form of the coin toss, sending AC Malvern and it’s proverbial comb-over running into the wind for the first half. With such an advantage, the youthful Grammarians were able to pin AC Malvern down in their own half for the opening 30 or so minutes, with (yet another) debutant keeper Ren, on hand to repel a barrage of scoring chances in an impressive display at the back. Unfortunately his goalkicks wouldn’t do his keeping any justice whatsoever. For all the Caulfield shots that weren’t on target (i.e. most of them), the linesman/spectators were kept well busy chasing down errant strikes that seemed to find their way onto the neighbouring tennis courts, hockey fields and footy ovals, courtesy of the violent zephyr stirring.
The Grammarian’s seemed to work the elements much better than AC, and it became evident that keeping the ball on the deck was key to moving forward. To their credit AC continued to battle, often verbally, and often with one another! Such was the frantic pace of being in the Grammarian’s gun for such an amount of time.
AC’s mature age freshman Mark, was on hand to clear off the line after Caulfield’s zippy No. 9 performed a Lord of the Dance airy that Michael Flatley would’ve done the splits over. This moment would be the instigator in a war of words with his AC opponent twinkle toes Nolan, who offered “mate, you couldn’t score in a morgue” as encouragement.
After a couple of close calls, usually from corners, it was clear that something had to give. Fortunately for once this season, it wasn’t the hamstring, groin, or ankle of an AC player, and after more admirable defending, Pete ‘Jaegarbomb’ Phillips, playing well in the unfamiliar possie of centre-back made possibly his first glitch in two years of football and found himself caught out courtesy of that f*cking wind again. To his credit, the spotty Caulfield youth playing centre-forward timed his run to perfection and finished even better. This after very nearly pulling off goal of the year with an inside flick just moments earlier. 1 nil Grammarians.
Rather than play a 0-2-8 formation whilst under such a siege, AC never for a moment looked like putting the cue in the rack. Instead, neat passing movements to the feet of those in open spaces proved to be the best way to buy the black and red some respite and ultimately create chances of their own. Like a late night Russian chess match, AC’s formation gradually manoeuvred their way down field and started to get Caulfield on the back foot. They say the element of surprise is the key to success in any war, and this was no different. With Caulfield ‘assuming’ they’d score first (which they did), and then assuming they’d immediately run over the top of us (which they definitely didn’t), it must’ve been a tack in the ar$e to see a couple of free kicks from the boot of Steve (pen – apparently) Creswell have the Grammarians’ defence scrambling. AC’s confidence continued to build, and finally they were rewarded when after another wide passing movement saw Hendy in enough to space to step around 2 or 3 opponents and cleverly steer the ball pass the keeper at the near post. 1 a piece.
From here there was a real belief from a determined AC outfit that this could be their day. An equally determined Grammarian’s side rallied and the remaining 15 minutes of the first half was a tight encounter. However, like so many times this season, AC let it’s supporters and themselves down and allowed another opportunity for the Grammarians to attack. Maybe it was luck, maybe that ‘A’ word proved AC’s downfall and they ‘assumed’ 1 all would be taken to the break. All the same, the ball fell to one of the Grammarian’s better players who from a wide position would emulate Hendy’s earlier effort and score his first of 3 for the day in tucking the ball under a despairing Ren to regain the lead. Halftime 2-1.
2nd Stanza
Despite the wind this time being very much in AC’s favour, JT stressed to all that: “the wind will not score for us, you have to believe this”. It was a stirring (albeit obvious) William Wallace type moment, and enough to inspire a sorely missed onlooking Coult’s to declare “groin? What sodding groin? I’m going in!”. With a slightly revised formation, yet another debutant keeper in Pete and fresh legs, AC started the second half with great optimism. Until this point in the match, the game had
been played in a reasonably fair tone. It did seem however that AC were a little closer on the scoreboard that the previously ‘untouchable’ Grammarian’s would’ve liked. It was then that Caulfield’s oddly numbered ‘0’ would break into song for the rest of the afternoon with what would have to have been the most excruciating and maddening cockney accent ever to entertain ears with. Amy Winehouse would’ve been proud, and whine he did, again and again and again, like something off the set of EastEnders. With a head like a broken sandshoe to match, ‘0’ would appal and repulse to the point of several AC players later complaining of the bends and perforated ear drums. The high pitched baritone would even go on to reaggrivate poor old Coult’s groin, who staked his claim for the week’s ‘pants’ award with his flash-in-the-pan comeback. Whilst he didn’t put his money where is mouth was (nobody, I mean NOBODY has that much money), ‘0’ was a critical cog of the Grammarian’s midfield and able to instigate scoring opportunities (and deafness).
Unlike the first half, AC struggled to work their way into the contest and seemed to be forever on the back foot. This a major let down given they had the breeze in their favour.
After another dazzling run from ‘0’, AC found themselves heavily outnumbered and unable to scramble troops back as the ball was easily slotted into an open goal for a steadying 3-1 lead.
Insert broken record here – cos like so many times this season, AC’s inconsistency not only failed to create scoring chances of their own, but put everyone on the back foot as the opposition lifted and went in for the kill. With ‘0’ getting louder with every positive Caulfield moment, AC tried to counter in an effort to not only get back in the match, but to shut the little punk up. Strong performances by an injury hampered (possibly also due to deafness) Engel, the versatile Ren, ring-in’s Jason, Mark and Justin kept the match competitive.
That aside, the Grammarian’s are top of the table for a reason, and for everything AC threw at them, they seemed to have an equally good response. With 10 minutes to go, the AC defence, after pressing all day for an opening again found themselves under fire and a simple finish not only staved off AC’s hopes but also gave the Grammarian’s No. 8 his third for the day. Fittingly, ‘0’ was first to let the AC faithful (and everyone else) know about it. In a post match interview, the hat-trick man was said to be filthy about having his thunder stolen by ‘0’ and offered: “Not only did I have a speech prepared following such an achievement, but ‘0’ also helped himself to the match ball”.
Richard ‘QE2’ Price, arguably the most improved AC stalwart this year again showed his mettle and nipped at the heels of the Grammarian’s defence all afternoon. Finally pressure from he and a couple of others were able to turn the usually reliable Caulfield defence into a right rabble. A nice pass across the face of goal landed at Pricey’s feet, who, with plenty still to do, was able to step inside and dogmatically slam the ball home. Final score, a respectable 4-2.
AC Malvern 2 - 4 Caulfield
Hendo & Own goal.......kidding, the QE2 Pricey (Finally)
Interesting fixture for the AC lads, up against cellar-dweller Riversdale who’re coming off a 6 blot win.
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