the cup did runith over.....with rain and spite!

Grumble, grumble……now much has been made about the lack of content, or void in people’s lives as a result of failure to post a regular and timely update on AC Malvern’s performances. Countless letters, such as the example below, flood my inbox daily:

“Dear Gumby,

What is going on? Why do you do this to me? You know my life (and that of my hot friends) revolves around reading the tales of the striking bunch of lads at AC Malvern and their successes on the pitch.
Now, on the topic of striking footballers; when are you releasing your swimwear calendar of you and the boys?

Totally yours
[Name suppressed]”

Match day:
Karma’s a bitch. In recent weeks I have reported how Mother Nature was in fact that, a bitch, and how she rained down upon thee with great fury. Well, I have learnt a valuable lesson that I’ve been told for years, but have never listened and that is hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. You see, payback is a bitch and Mother Nature unleashed some of her best work on the lads as they arrive to battle it out for the McRopod Cup. Teaming rain, howling gales and cold conditions waited all those brave enough to take the pitch. In fact, in the shadows of the start of the Premier League season we were kindly reminded of what our country’s “founders” would have to deal during an English “summer”. I now offer an official apology to the lovely, and importantly, ever present Mother Nature.

Now, on with the match report……

The lads of AC were fighting two battles on a day more suited to staying indoors in front of an open fire. Battle one was winning a trophy to salvage something from this car wreck of a season, and two was to free themselves from the embarrassment of relegation. So, plenty rode on this week’s game, with a draw, at worst, a must!

You know what, such is the pain that the memories of this match release, that my psychologist forbids me to “re-live” them in any form. So I will keep the details as brief as possible in order to reduce the pain and ultimately the medical bills.

With rain pouring onto the pitch slowly turning it into a swimming pool (pictured left), the plucky older gents of Rangers managed to drive a wooden stake into the hearts of the adoring fans slotting home two first half goals. The usual suspect was responsible; Lars, the gifted Swede who dealt the killer blows in the first leg.

Annie once sang “The sun will come out, tomorrow”, but today it came out for the second half and with it the hopes of AC rose.

With the crack of the dominatrix whip, the power had shifted and AC pulled their collective heads out their a** and managed repeated attacks on goal. With effort comes reward and young Hendo, the hater of the Glaswegian Rangers, began his enslaught. The now familiar tune would play through the stands; “he went this way, then that way – they went that way, then this way. Hail to the goal score, goal scorer man” and Hendo duly slotted the ball into the back of the net. Spirit and passion was re-ignited and the ball was hitting the AC box like planes crashing at Pearl Harbour. Soon enough the impenetrable defence would let up and another would get through………well the laws of statistics would suggest so.

With time and light fading and the Rangers tiring, Pricey gathered the ball in side the half, strode down and barrelled in a cross. A deft header by Dennis flicked the ball onto the awaiting Hendo who had no problem slotting it home, ultimately proving the geeky statisticians right. 2-2 with five minutes to go. Would it be long enough?

Tensions rose as the end was near and Twinkle Toes Tim found himself at the end of some hefty words and threats on his life from the irate spittle spreading dragon that was Rangers number 10.

Unfortunately for AC, post entanglement between Tim and #10, time did run out and the draw wasn’t enough to relinquish the McRopod Cup from the steely grip of the Rangers. Such was the confidence of the Rangers though that they didn’t even bring the cup to the ground for it to be presented.

Post match Tim & Co were forced to hug it out Ari Gold style in order to maintain the cuddly and warm relationship between the clubs.

Now every cloud has a silver lining and despite the fight, the draw and the rain the boys of AC managed to confirm their place in the division for another year.

AC Malvern 2 – 2 Rangers
2 He who hates (Glasgow) Rangers

I now put my cap in hand and ask for donations to pay for the four extra sessions required to get over re-living that.....Cheques can be made payable to "the plastic fantastic"