The AC Malvern juggernaut has rolled into town.
The boys from Central Park smelt blood in the water last week, and duly delivered a win for the ages in their 5-2 humiliation of the highly fancied Old Melburnian’s. Truth be told, it should’ve been a bigger margin – which spelt trouble this week, for the last placed Old Trinity.
Where AC started with healthy numbers, including three on the pine, Old Trinity assembled something more like an England World Cup Squad. In 1998, one had to feel for poor old Paul Gascoigne when he was culled by manager Glenn Hoddle on the eve of the cup – a travesty given the old blighty turned around and took three goalkeepers!
The ‘T’ (I know, I know, I can’t f*cking believe it either – another gay euphemism/acronym to call a team by!) were similarly generous with player numbers, though one sh*t keeper was more than enough. Fair dinkum, even their reserves seem to have reserves.
See pic below - I’d hate to draw the short straw and have to wash that kit
Form, ladder positioning and expectation aside, AC were well aware that Old Trinity were one of the(many) teams they’d capitulated to in the first half of the season. A 3-4 loss from memory. Such is the nature and unpredictability of this league’s high standard, they weren’t to be taken lightly.
One would be forgiven in thinking AC had dabbled in the mother of all experiments with marksmen Hendy starting in the No. 1 shirt. Despite Richard Owen’s pleas, and plausible goal scoring argument, things didn’t turn completely mad, and he started down back as usual. From the kickoff AC Malvern looked hungry and everyone wanted a piece of Old Trinity pie. Last week’s polished passing movements continued which ultimately involved every AC Malvern player around the ball or in space, feeding that appetite. With a strong breeze in their favour, Trinity, when in possession, sent the ball long which resulted in an instant turnover of possession. That and the AC back four, five if you include the Higuita-esque goalkeeping of Hendy, who were fortress-like in their repelling of the ambitious style of attack.
“Keep it simple, stupid” has been the AC mandate of late, and that cognition was embraced from start to finish here. A basic passing movement from the backline and out wide repeatedly stretched the Trinity midfield who seemed hell-bent on attacking from every possession they had, even if camped inside their own half. Playing like this, it was clear that they weren’t going to be able to adequately defend the AC Malvern soccer machine that kept the ball on the deck, and swiftly moving forward. AC edged closer to goal, and Trinity scrambled troops back to cover. If the barrage wasn’t coming from the left via Tim, Damo, Pete, you could count on a neat wide ball from Ren to Jason or Pete, looking for the QE2 or Steve in between defenders. Trinity did make positive inroads forward of their own, but the counter was proving crucial through the run of Brendan and co. Coupled with the fact the aerial contest was being dominated the AC talls.
Ten or so minutes in, and AC had had as many attacks at goal than it usually gets in one outing, 
strangely though, no genuine shots to speak of so far. Now, this is where Gumby plays it smart and writes [insert name here], which I failed to do last week resulting in a lambasting of massive proportions and ultimate punishment from the master, which he assured hurt him more than it did me – jury’s out.
So, a lighting fast passing movement which started wide left and was steered up the centre of the park found it’s way towho lobbed a sweet cross in the path of Steve (pen) to perfectly volley home. 1 nil, and the lads were away.
strangely though, no genuine shots to speak of so far. Now, this is where Gumby plays it smart and writes [insert name here], which I failed to do last week resulting in a lambasting of massive proportions and ultimate punishment from the master, which he assured hurt him more than it did me – jury’s out.So, a lighting fast passing movement which started wide left and was steered up the centre of the park found it’s way to
The tight formation continued to hold its shape in both attack and defence with more attacking raids out wide taking place. Conversely, the runs up the centre of the park from Trinity were well tracked and deviated away by some rugged and determined AC midfield defensive pressure.
Another passing movement resulted in another run into enemy territory, this time straight up the guts, and this time it was AC who used the wind to their advantage as Pricey put a ball over the top of the Trinity defence which held up perfectly for Steve (pen) to find himself in an almost identical position from just moments earlier, stealing a couple more yards closer to goal this time. A flailing Trinity goalkeeper came bounding out to block the shot and instead collected Steve in what was an act of sheer genius on several levels:
1. In collecting Steve in the head he didn’t even get a card, let alone give away a penalty or free kick.
2. In delivering a mega dead leg on Steve with his knee the keeper didn’t even…..(see above).
3. The County Court this morning cleared the keeper of attempted murder; and most significantly
4. The check on Steve caused him to send his shot just inches wide.
One nil it remained.
A rather bashful keeper (he was a decent bloke really!) took the ensuing goal kick which barely cleared the grass, an almost impossible feat given the aptly dubbed ‘billiard table’ we had the luxury of playing on. (Love to see him have a go at goal kicks at Central Park this time of year!). The ball was shifted around with ease by the AC Malvern midfielder, Pete who put the QE2 into space, and it was plain sailing (pun intended) as he finished the voyage goal ward euphorically ala Diane Brimble (ok, I know I’m going to hell for that one).
Two nil after half an hour, and the boys were smoking! AC charged on with the popular return of Coults
after a lengthy self imposed suspension for breaking team curfew and doing his groin on the dance floor. Trinity made changes (about 47 of them) of their own, complemented by a different tactic much to the displeasure of an honest, hardworking AC outfit. A more physical attack begun to unsettle AC, as the referee, who had less to say than Marcel Marceau (pictured right), let the top heavy challenges pass his attention.It was clear that Trinity’s frustration was resulting in some pretty unfair tactics on and off the ball, but AC hung in there, and when needed mirrored some of this ugly football. As a result, the standard of football gradually started to diminish, coupled with tiring legs. AC gave a few silly free kicks away, in dangerous territory, as a result of some of the IOU return-fire on the ‘T’. A couple of goalmouth scrambles, close corners and free kicks had AC well and truly having their mettle tested. Still they hung on for that elusive clean first half sheet. After JT received his token yellow card for the afternoon, another free kick was safely ensconced by the ever reliable (and apparently once highly regarded in the No. 1 shirt) keeper in Hendy. More attacks had AC clearing the area and they’d just started to lose their way a little. Finally, Trinity’s closest goal scoring chance was brilliantly saved by a diving Hendy who turned the ball round the bottom right side post. Half time was the best thing to happen to an AC Malvern who’d used up a lot of petrol, and the worst thing for a stuttering Old Trinity who were beginning to display glimpses of their best, yet had nothing to show for it.
2nd half
The halftime message was simple: Do not try and defend a lead. Actually, it was “no silly lunging challenges”, but for AC mercenary JT to be the one delivering such a steadfast message seemed absurd – kind of like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank.
Hendy got reacquainted with his No. 9 shirt, and hurled the gloves to Richard Owen for a stint in between the posts. Coult’s quickly re-established himself as both a solid rebounding defender and an annoying little sh*t to opposition forwards. He would even test referee Marcel’s patience and cure his inaudibility, and receive a written (wouldn’t wanna pull a vocal chord) warning from the man in black and the mime that accompanied the warning was translated like so:
REF: blow his whistle and sternly looked at coults instructed him to cut it out and to stop swearing!
COULTS: strongly denied such allegations, but just let it go as it the ref was getting silly! [post script to come later]
AC started the second stanza in the same fashion that they started the first – dominantly. More space seemed to be on offer for those wanting to use it, and use it they did. Pete, Brendan and Jason repeatedly slid through balls into chasms you could roll the actual QE2 through, and goal scoring opportunities were going to be plentiful for Hendy and co. After a lengthy stint buzzing around the Trinity 18 yard box, Steve (pen) found space but on a tight angle, made the wise call to lay the ball off for a rampaging JT to drill the ball into the roof of the net.
Three nil, it was now about goal average, and with that thought the lads were on the same page.
Trinity, well and truly on the back foot and with a massive deficit to address were forced to try and turn defence into attack whenever in possession. Sound defending by the AC tail ensured that was short lived and the ball stayed put – in the Old Trinity half. A superb flick from Jason found Hendy into space who did was he does best. 4 nil, pop the champagne and put the witches hats out.
Well aware of complacency, and still possessing a desire to put the opposition to the sword, AC were relentless in both winning the contested ball and using it effectively – probably the most encouraging thing for the AC lads to take away given the game was well and truly over. With confidence at the pointy end, AC continued to chip the ball around, move for one another and talk. Another overlap presented, and the QE2 was put into a hole who poked (c’mon Pricey, admit it – that was a toe-bash) from point blank range to nail his second. AC had barely made it back to their own half for the resumption of play when, Hendy, not to be outdone stepped around the back 8 and slotted a 6th past a buggered goalkeeper.
A clean sheet, and a right-royal touch up: something we haven’t had too many of this year, 2 on the trot, and momentum going into next weeks Round 2 clash with Central Park Rangers: The McRopod Cup
C’mon boys, we’ve turned the corner now, early night Saturday and this one’s ours for the taking lads!
COULTS: strongly denied such allegations, but just let it go as it the ref was getting silly! [post script to come later]
AC started the second stanza in the same fashion that they started the first – dominantly. More space seemed to be on offer for those wanting to use it, and use it they did. Pete, Brendan and Jason repeatedly slid through balls into chasms you could roll the actual QE2 through, and goal scoring opportunities were going to be plentiful for Hendy and co. After a lengthy stint buzzing around the Trinity 18 yard box, Steve (pen) found space but on a tight angle, made the wise call to lay the ball off for a rampaging JT to drill the ball into the roof of the net.
Three nil, it was now about goal average, and with that thought the lads were on the same page.
Trinity, well and truly on the back foot and with a massive deficit to address were forced to try and turn defence into attack whenever in possession. Sound defending by the AC tail ensured that was short lived and the ball stayed put – in the Old Trinity half. A superb flick from Jason found Hendy into space who did was he does best. 4 nil, pop the champagne and put the witches hats out.
Well aware of complacency, and still possessing a desire to put the opposition to the sword, AC were relentless in both winning the contested ball and using it effectively – probably the most encouraging thing for the AC lads to take away given the game was well and truly over. With confidence at the pointy end, AC continued to chip the ball around, move for one another and talk. Another overlap presented, and the QE2 was put into a hole who poked (c’mon Pricey, admit it – that was a toe-bash) from point blank range to nail his second. AC had barely made it back to their own half for the resumption of play when, Hendy, not to be outdone stepped around the back 8 and slotted a 6th past a buggered goalkeeper.
A clean sheet, and a right-royal touch up: something we haven’t had too many of this year, 2 on the trot, and momentum going into next weeks Round 2 clash with Central Park Rangers: The McRopod Cup
C’mon boys, we’ve turned the corner now, early night Saturday and this one’s ours for the taking lads!
AC Malvern 6 - 0 Old Trinity
Hendo 2, Pricey 2, Cresswell, JT
The Post Script:
You may remember from earlier in the piece an "incident" between the little lad Coults and the mime that was the ref, well, there's more:
After the match Coults approached the ref to ensure him that he must have misheard him due to his accent and that he was encouraging and not swearing.
The ref then accepted that he did not swear and expanded to tell him that he blew up because he was “in danger of getting his team mates too excited” and someone was going to get hurt! Coults, ever the gentleman and lover, not fighter, explained how as long as he doesn’t swear or insight "bother", he can gee up the lads as much as he wants!!
MM retorted by saying that it wasn’t fair as we were already 6-0 up and it was hurtful towards the opposition??!!!
A big case of WTF???
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