The return leg..........Can we do it?....yes we can!

It's on again, the much anticipated return leg of the biggest rivalry in sport; the Mc Ropod Cup, between the red and black of AC Malvern and blue and white of Rangers from Central Park in Malvern.

Last time these teams met, AC were out of form and struggling losing to a rampaging Rangers 2-1, with Zoolander Dennis the loan goal scorer for the away team.

This time however; AC have hit some form and are on the way up, entering the game as, dare I say it, favourites.

To steal a line from the movie Moulin Rouge, this will be "Spectacular, spectacular" and all are encouraged, even begged to get down and see the events unfold.

The match details are as follows:

AC Malvern v Central Park Rangers

Central Park - The fortress

Cnr Burke and Wattletree Roads, Malvern

Kick off - 1 PM

So come one, come all and get amongst the capacity crowd to see two teams go head to head for sports poorest prize purse - The Mc Ropod Cup

What's up for grabs, besides pride? the trophy, pictured left as donated by Alan.

They know we're coming.....

11 goals in two weeks, and one of the best for and against records in a log-jammed ladder. Teams that dubbed the Malvernians the ‘easy beats’ are now on notice –

The AC Malvern juggernaut has rolled into town.

The boys from Central Park smelt blood in the water last week, and duly delivered a win for the ages in their 5-2 humiliation of the highly fancied Old Melburnian’s. Truth be told, it should’ve been a bigger margin – which spelt trouble this week, for the last placed Old Trinity.

Where AC started with healthy numbers, including three on the pine, Old Trinity assembled something more like an England World Cup Squad. In 1998, one had to feel for poor old Paul Gascoigne when he was culled by manager Glenn Hoddle on the eve of the cup – a travesty given the old blighty turned around and took three goalkeepers!

The ‘T’ (I know, I know, I can’t f*cking believe it either – another gay euphemism/acronym to call a team by!) were similarly generous with player numbers, though one sh*t keeper was more than enough. Fair dinkum, even their reserves seem to have reserves.

See pic below - I’d hate to draw the short straw and have to wash that kit

Form, ladder positioning and expectation aside, AC were well aware that Old Trinity were one of the(many) teams they’d capitulated to in the first half of the season. A 3-4 loss from memory. Such is the nature and unpredictability of this league’s high standard, they weren’t to be taken lightly.

One would be forgiven in thinking AC had dabbled in the mother of all experiments with marksmen Hendy starting in the No. 1 shirt. Despite Richard Owen’s pleas, and plausible goal scoring argument, things didn’t turn completely mad, and he started down back as usual. From the kickoff AC Malvern looked hungry and everyone wanted a piece of Old Trinity pie. Last week’s polished passing movements continued which ultimately involved every AC Malvern player around the ball or in space, feeding that appetite. With a strong breeze in their favour, Trinity, when in possession, sent the ball long which resulted in an instant turnover of possession. That and the AC back four, five if you include the Higuita-esque goalkeeping of Hendy, who were fortress-like in their repelling of the ambitious style of attack.

“Keep it simple, stupid” has been the AC mandate of late, and that cognition was embraced from start to finish here. A basic passing movement from the backline and out wide repeatedly stretched the Trinity midfield who seemed hell-bent on attacking from every possession they had, even if camped inside their own half. Playing like this, it was clear that they weren’t going to be able to adequately defend the AC Malvern soccer machine that kept the ball on the deck, and swiftly moving forward. AC edged closer to goal, and Trinity scrambled troops back to cover. If the barrage wasn’t coming from the left via Tim, Damo, Pete, you could count on a neat wide ball from Ren to Jason or Pete, looking for the QE2 or Steve in between defenders. Trinity did make positive inroads forward of their own, but the counter was proving crucial through the run of Brendan and co. Coupled with the fact the aerial contest was being dominated the AC talls.

Ten or so minutes in, and AC had had as many attacks at goal than it usually gets in one outing, strangely though, no genuine shots to speak of so far. Now, this is where Gumby plays it smart and writes [insert name here], which I failed to do last week resulting in a lambasting of massive proportions and ultimate punishment from the master, which he assured hurt him more than it did me – jury’s out.

So, a lighting fast passing movement which started wide left and was steered up the centre of the park found it’s way to who lobbed a sweet cross in the path of Steve (pen) to perfectly volley home. 1 nil, and the lads were away.

The tight formation continued to hold its shape in both attack and defence with more attacking raids out wide taking place. Conversely, the runs up the centre of the park from Trinity were well tracked and deviated away by some rugged and determined AC midfield defensive pressure.

Another passing movement resulted in another run into enemy territory, this time straight up the guts, and this time it was AC who used the wind to their advantage as Pricey put a ball over the top of the Trinity defence which held up perfectly for Steve (pen) to find himself in an almost identical position from just moments earlier, stealing a couple more yards closer to goal this time. A flailing Trinity goalkeeper came bounding out to block the shot and instead collected Steve in what was an act of sheer genius on several levels:

1. In collecting Steve in the head he didn’t even get a card, let alone give away a penalty or free kick.
2. In delivering a mega dead leg on Steve with his knee the keeper didn’t even…..(see above).
3. The County Court this morning cleared the keeper of attempted murder; and most significantly
4. The check on Steve caused him to send his shot just inches wide.

One nil it remained.

A rather bashful keeper (he was a decent bloke really!) took the ensuing goal kick which barely cleared the grass, an almost impossible feat given the aptly dubbed ‘billiard table’ we had the luxury of playing on. (Love to see him have a go at goal kicks at Central Park this time of year!). The ball was shifted around with ease by the AC Malvern midfielder, Pete who put the QE2 into space, and it was plain sailing (pun intended) as he finished the voyage goal ward euphorically ala Diane Brimble (ok, I know I’m going to hell for that one).

Two nil after half an hour, and the boys were smoking! AC charged on with the popular return of Coults after a lengthy self imposed suspension for breaking team curfew and doing his groin on the dance floor. Trinity made changes (about 47 of them) of their own, complemented by a different tactic much to the displeasure of an honest, hardworking AC outfit. A more physical attack begun to unsettle AC, as the referee, who had less to say than Marcel Marceau (pictured right), let the top heavy challenges pass his attention.

It was clear that Trinity’s frustration was resulting in some pretty unfair tactics on and off the ball, but AC hung in there, and when needed mirrored some of this ugly football. As a result, the standard of football gradually started to diminish, coupled with tiring legs. AC gave a few silly free kicks away, in dangerous territory, as a result of some of the IOU return-fire on the ‘T’. A couple of goalmouth scrambles, close corners and free kicks had AC well and truly having their mettle tested. Still they hung on for that elusive clean first half sheet. After JT received his token yellow card for the afternoon, another free kick was safely ensconced by the ever reliable (and apparently once highly regarded in the No. 1 shirt) keeper in Hendy. More attacks had AC clearing the area and they’d just started to lose their way a little. Finally, Trinity’s closest goal scoring chance was brilliantly saved by a diving Hendy who turned the ball round the bottom right side post. Half time was the best thing to happen to an AC Malvern who’d used up a lot of petrol, and the worst thing for a stuttering Old Trinity who were beginning to display glimpses of their best, yet had nothing to show for it.

2nd half

The halftime message was simple: Do not try and defend a lead. Actually, it was “no silly lunging challenges”, but for AC mercenary JT to be the one delivering such a steadfast message seemed absurd – kind of like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank.

Hendy got reacquainted with his No. 9 shirt, and hurled the gloves to Richard Owen for a stint in between the posts. Coult’s quickly re-established himself as both a solid rebounding defender and an annoying little sh*t to opposition forwards. He would even test referee Marcel’s patience and cure his inaudibility, and receive a written (wouldn’t wanna pull a vocal chord) warning from the man in black and the mime that accompanied the warning was translated like so:

REF: blow his whistle and sternly looked at coults instructed him to cut it out and to stop swearing!

COULTS: strongly denied such allegations, but just let it go as it the ref was getting silly! [post script to come later]

AC started the second stanza in the same fashion that they started the first – dominantly. More space seemed to be on offer for those wanting to use it, and use it they did. Pete, Brendan and Jason repeatedly slid through balls into chasms you could roll the actual QE2 through, and goal scoring opportunities were going to be plentiful for Hendy and co. After a lengthy stint buzzing around the Trinity 18 yard box, Steve (pen) found space but on a tight angle, made the wise call to lay the ball off for a rampaging JT to drill the ball into the roof of the net.

Three nil, it was now about goal average, and with that thought the lads were on the same page.
Trinity, well and truly on the back foot and with a massive deficit to address were forced to try and turn defence into attack whenever in possession. Sound defending by the AC tail ensured that was short lived and the ball stayed put – in the Old Trinity half. A superb flick from Jason found Hendy into space who did was he does best. 4 nil, pop the champagne and put the witches hats out.

Well aware of complacency, and still possessing a desire to put the opposition to the sword, AC were relentless in both winning the contested ball and using it effectively – probably the most encouraging thing for the AC lads to take away given the game was well and truly over. With confidence at the pointy end, AC continued to chip the ball around, move for one another and talk. Another overlap presented, and the QE2 was put into a hole who poked (c’mon Pricey, admit it – that was a toe-bash) from point blank range to nail his second. AC had barely made it back to their own half for the resumption of play when, Hendy, not to be outdone stepped around the back 8 and slotted a 6th past a buggered goalkeeper.

A clean sheet, and a right-royal touch up: something we haven’t had too many of this year, 2 on the trot, and momentum going into next weeks Round 2 clash with Central Park Rangers: The McRopod Cup

C’mon boys, we’ve turned the corner now, early night Saturday and this one’s ours for the taking lads!

AC Malvern 6 - 0 Old Trinity

Hendo 2, Pricey 2, Cresswell, JT

The Post Script:

You may remember from earlier in the piece an "incident" between the little lad Coults and the mime that was the ref, well, there's more:

After the match Coults approached the ref to ensure him that he must have misheard him due to his accent and that he was encouraging and not swearing.

The ref then accepted that he did not swear and expanded to tell him that he blew up because he was “in danger of getting his team mates too excited” and someone was going to get hurt! Coults, ever the gentleman and lover, not fighter, explained how as long as he doesn’t swear or insight "bother", he can gee up the lads as much as he wants!!

MM retorted by saying that it wasn’t fair as we were already 6-0 up and it was hurtful towards the opposition??!!!

A big case of WTF???

Momentum; it has to start somewhere.......

As the sun rose from the east we were greeted with a sunny, but yet another f’n windy day. This little green man has come to the conclusion that Melbourne is Australia’s version of Chicago: the windy city.

With trees once again horizontal from the bitch that is Mother Nature, the mighty AC packed their bags and headed for the leafy surrounds of Toorak to face Old Melburnians’. The last time these two teams met; OM’s were victorious (4-1), I labelled them as nice blokes, Coults popped his groin and Terry Wallace was sacked after a guest coaching spot. What exciting tales would today bring?

The first challenge was would AC be able to field a team? The net result of player apathy, late arrivals, injuries and late night loan deal negotiations resulted in AC being able fill the quota of 11 men, just!

Now every game is important, but this was one where AC needed a result in order to extricate them from the cellar (cohabitating with the gimp) and strive for a reasonable finishing position despite a disastrous season to-date.

Cresswell’s inspiring team management and position selections netted results early. AC, defending an early OM’s corner, cleared the ball out to the wee weegie Hendo, turns and burns before a flick out to the QE2 who fortunately wasn’t required to turn. Price then ran with the ball past a couple of shadows and without looking thumped the ball with the outside of his foot down the park and into the path of a rampaging Jason. The Republic of Ireland international nods the ball down then takes control, runs at, then around the keeper to slot in goal number one in his AC career; 1-0.

Watching Hendo with the ball is like watching an adult playing keepings off with a five year old. It’s funny, but slightly embarrassing for all involved. So, in what has become a well scripted move; Hendo runs at the defenders, turning them this way, then that until they are so confused that they don’t even know their own name. Next he courteously steps past them, plays a through ball to himself just to extract some fluid from the opposition and slots it past the keeper; 2-0.

Now, I still don’t quite understand this logic, but when AC get two goals to the good, they get nervous, loose at the back and are slightly manic in their panic. This is when the opposition usually takes advantage of the confusion and slots home a goal. Today was no different as a corner resulted in a header from the back post ruffling the net; 2-1.

HALF TIME

Now kicking with the wind and sports gels starting to take effect on their systems AC marched out for the second half full of confidence. The confidence may have been linked to the arrival of another player in JT, and a Referee to oversee proceedings.

Rich Owen had put his hand up to play in goal for the second half, but didn’t take much convincing to allow Steve to mind the nets for the rest of the game. Once again, Steve’s managerial wizardry would have a positive effect.

An AC corner was cleared to the top of the box; Owen, with his back to goals drags the ball into his control, before turning his loping frame and striking the ball goal wards. The keeper managed to let the ball trickle through his legs and Owen had his first goal for the season; 3-1.

AC, were now dominating proceedings; JT was flexing his muscles with his usual tackling style, Iva was been threatened by defenders with his death, and Hendo, Byrne and Price were dancing though the midfield. OM’s had mentally lost it.

The Wee Weegie was anxious to capitalise on a lacklustre OM’s, and it wasn’t long before a through ball found Hendo at speed. In typical Hendo fashion he stepped around a few and slotted Malvern’s fourth; 4-1.

OM’s regained some pride with a cracking strike from outside the box that would have left even Van Der Sarr flailing in goal; 4-2.

The boys from Malvern were now keen on destroying OM’s to reverse the ledger from the first leg. A corner would be just the tonic to put the final nail in the coffin. A beautifully placed kick, found the nimble defender, Owen streaming in at the back post. Owen, using his beer belly (pictured right) to control the ball then strikes the ball past the keeper finding the top of the net and his second goal for the game. Certainly a wise decision to leave him out of goals; 5-2.

OM’s had well and truly dropped their bundle now, and stopped running. AC continued to surge forward, but just couldn’t get a sixth. Most notable of the efforts was a thunderous strike form the corner of the box from Zoolander, which just clipped the cross bar.

Senior and respected player, JT, mentioned in the rooms after the game “that win was worth a lot today”, to which a numbers driven geek who shall remain nameless responded “yep, a lot, three points by my calculations”......smart ar**

All lovers of statistics would be very interested in a comment made by the QE2, who pointed out “We’ve lost to all the teams that we beat in the first half and beaten all the teams we lost to”. So, on that premise we should look forward to a very successful second half of the season given that we lost a lot of games in the first half.

AC Malvern 5 - 2 Old Melbournians

Hendo 2, Owen 2, Jason

Bottoms up?

A courageous performance seven days earlier saw the AC lads go down like the S.S Lewinsky to the silver-set of Caulfield Grammar in a gutsy display that gave the eventual victors a severe fright, leaving AC with plenty of pride to take into the remainder of the season.

All the same, admirable losses only get you so far, and they certainly don’t save your derriere from relegation – A prospect both AC Malvern and their next opponent, Riversdale, are seriously staring at.

A mass exodus of it’s more ‘cosmopolitan’ personnel is always the biggest threat to any team courting around the ‘R’ word. Escape strategies are convened in the form of changes to team formation, extra training sessions (what exactly is this ‘training’ lark anyway?) bonding sessions and team retreats. The more adventurous desperado’s have even had the entire team jump out of an aeroplane together!

For AC, the more low key sabbatical seemed the best tonic, and a night on the town to send off favourite son, US import Mad Mike Radtke (pictured right). Not only was it camaraderie they were chasing, but also the true meanings of some of those ridiculous nicknames. The say the devils brew keeps no secrets, and this debaucheries night out was to keep that notion in check. Pete (self explanatory) ‘Jaegarbomb’ Phillips testament to this. Tim ‘twinkle toes’ Nolan assured all that the dance floor is not where this name was conceived, whilst Ivan ‘Zoolander’ Dennis can surely go one better and change his sobriquet to ‘book ends’ or ‘the perch’ for the not one, but two filly’s he seemingly had either side of him for most of the evening. Prick.

But enough of that for now….

A wary (and still somewhat ‘weary’ from Friday night) AC Malvern approached it’s next clash knowing that a win at home today would provide much needed breathing space in the fight for survival after their heartbreaking loss the week prior. Conversely, bottom placed Riversdale arrived with a spring it the step after a 6 nil trouncing of a side placed much further north than themselves.

AC would again be restricted for depth, and without a goalkeeper. They did however welcome back a very brave and gaunt looking Matt Pinkney who managed to sneak out of the Alfred’s ICU unnoticed to help fight the cause alongside his AC Malvern brothers…… so naturally they stuck him in goal.

As usual AC started well, and you got the impression that the Friday night knees up had reinvigorated a few of the boys. Steve Pen(folds plonk – any varietal, and lots of) Creswell was very lively early linking up with AC’s phantom Brendan who provided much needed run throughout the day.
Riversdale employed a solid back four, and it was clear from the outset that chances were going to be few and, therefore had to be capitalised on. Not without a fleet-of-foot midfield of their own, Riversdale weren’t backwards in surging forward, a ridiculously accurate Gordon Strachan lookalike always lurking. The Scottish Terrier launched “the Dales” (I know, how gay!) first attack which very nearly bore fruit, but only for the ignoramus incompetantus up front for the blue & white. The affectionately dubbed ‘bomber’ (yes, he was fat AND stupid – and resembled one of the Baldwin brothers, the washed up one) would quickly morph into AC’s most loathed opponent, and you kind of got the impression that he wasn’t too highly regarded by his own team either – had a real ‘coaches son’ vibe to his inclusion, if you know what this small orange pony means.

After a run up the middle, the Scottish Terrier was dispossessed in a grassing tackle, but with an air of luck, the ball somehow ricocheted into the AC 18 yard box. Panic to clear the congested area ensued as JT attempted to hoof the ball away (as he would successfully all day). Bomber, completely oblivious to himself (aren’t those types just ALWAYS like that?!) accidentally got his girth in the path of the ball which bounced off his hand and past Matt for what was claimed to be first goal. The ref (who earlier employed injured Coult’s as his lackey to do all sorts of things from polishing his boots, writing his jokes and, unfortunately scooping up dog sh*t) looked certain to award the goal, but for the protests of the AC defenders. Riversdale, or more specifically, fat bomber, would offer a riposte of “nah, it came off my chin”. It was clear that anything that got near this fellow’s mouth would never been in solid form again, so it really was a ridiculous argument. As FIFA would have one do (and this guy was the love child of FIFA), the referee conferred with the (Riversdale) linesman for a ‘video replay’ if you will. In one of the very few sporting acts of the day, the linesman said he wasn’t sure and the goal was disallowed. Bomber would use this decision as a platform for argument on every 50/50 decision for the remainder of the afternoon.

After a pretty heavy stint defending in their own half, AC were finally rewarded with some free flowing movement into enemy territory. Unlike Riversdale, AC pounced on the first chance it got – Damo skipping past past several players laid the ball off to the left to Hendo. Hendo; does what he does oh so well, and brought the player skip count to six, then sending a hard low past splitting the remaining defenders to the awaiting Damo. Damo, who has been so close to scoring for many seasons, duely slotted the ball into the back of the net. 1 nil.

Two to Hendy in as many weeks – the boy has his mojo back, and credits the rediscovery of form to a recent healing séance with 20,000 other Celtic monks held at Surfers Paradise. What was that mountain nectar they had you on Hendy?!

With confidence and swagger, AC continued their attack and very nearly made it 2 nil on several occasions. As legs tired, and the first changes were made, and a shift came over the game, and Riversdale again got themselves back into scoring contention. Corners came in, were cleared, came back again – on it went. Having spent most of the first half on the attack, finally ‘the dales’ were able to register an equalizer after an ugly goal mouth scramble.

With just minutes on the clock for the first half, AC launched one final attack, this time down the right flank – a move involving Pete, Damo and Pricey. A shot eventually came in from Hendy which deflected to Steve with his back to goal who then wound back the clock with a spectacular overhead shot that only narrowly went over the crossbar. Halftime – 1 each.

AC took a positive view into the break, knowing it had defended well, and probably should have been in front despite limited chances. With Matt’s intravenous drip on low supply, it was decided he stay in goal. This was an awe-inspiring display of courage, and this little orange pony was about to refer the reader to the poems of WW1 hero Wilfred Owen, to typify Pinkney’s courage. Then I thought, “wait, matt’s a journo’, surely there’s tons of Pinkney insight to borrow?” It was then I was reminded of his late night sticky-floored karaoke sessions and went back to Wilfred who said: “Thither your years may gather in from storm. And Love, that sleepth there, will keep thee warm”. Not sure where that fit’s in with Matt’s heroics, but you get the drift…..

In a frustrating second half, Riversdale consistently used the ball better than AC did. Ten minutes in, the signs weren’t looking good, when the Scottish Terrier was left with light years of time to again surge forward and shoot at goal, hitting the crossbar. A defender had scored their first half equalizer, this time one of the better Riversdale midfielders was able to find himself unmarked, waltz into goal and put the away team in front. 2-1 Riversdale.

It was a massive blow to AC, who after so much run – even out of defence, in the first half, seemed to be going up and down on the spot. More attacks came, and were cleared, usually by JT or a jet lagged Richard Owen, back from a Northcote wedding in his native Wales, where he rubbed shoulders with the likes of Ani Defranco, Lindsay Lohan, Ellen & Portia, Beth Orton and Sinead O’Connor, just to name a few.

With frustration setting in, the ref seemed to be getting more involved with the free kick generosity. At one point he even directed at JT: “you! Shut the hell up!”

After successfully stopping the Scottish Terrier once again, a strong tackle from JT saw the soft fanta-pants hit the deck in search of a penalty. Given the ref’s patience, and perhaps his opinion of JT, a penalty was outrageously given! Pinkney, with Lucozade in hand, was unable to intercept the shot from another Riversdale defender. 3-1

Having been shadowed by everyone around him, fat bomber was getting well annoyed by his own inabilities, and I suggest tiring also as he begun to use AC players like the nearby park benches, much to their distress and annoyance. After a fair bit of verbal attention directed his way including such mirth as “hey Colin, you mark the fat one” and “you’re the worst player on a winning team” he finally sat on one too many heads and was given an overdue yellow card. Perhaps he had low blood sugar levels and wasn’t thinking straight(90 minutes without a cheeseburger), or more likely he really is as thick as two short planks, but “hey look at the scoreboard” was never going to boost his higher IQ aspirations – more obviously given there is no scoreboard at Central Park. Genius.

With minutes remaining, and Riversdale thinking they had it in their safe keeping and much of the attack; AC deliverd a magnificent clearing ball which found Hendo charging down the field. This time however, Hendo decided not to skip past the defenders, holding the ball up before laying off yet another fine ball throught to the rempaging Brendan. Brendan justified his impressive ‘engine’ fame making plenty of noise before finishing a fine pass with a fine goal. Sadly, it would be too little too late, and leave AC Malvern stone motherless last.

Final. Riversdale 3 AC Malvern 2

Quote of the day: “f*ck off Kojak you c*nt!” – JT’s well timed dig at a Riversdale skinhead