Mauling, mutiny and poaching

It’s at this point when it becomes apparent that there are a lot of weeks in the season and as a result a lot of match reports. Seriously, how many ways can one describe effectively the same thing, an honourable loss, in a variety of ways? So, like the players of AC I am starting to feel the niggles, pains and fatigue of what has been a long and arduous season on the pitch and on the keyboard.



With their backs to the wall and facing mission NEAR impossible AC arrived at the home of Ol’Scotch, ready for battle. Survival an respect were foremost on the minds of the players with only a win in the last two games of the season giving them a very slim hope of staying in Division two. Standing in their way was a heavily stacked team who, in the last four games had scored 17 goals; so the outlook was bleak.

One would be mistaken for thinking that Scotch, being the elite school of Melbourne, would provide a pitch as good, if not better than the new AAMI Park. Hell, Ol’ Trinity and OM’s do, but alas stepping foot on the pitch revealed a baron land with about as much grass as on the pitch as a modern porn star.

The good news: a warmish sunny day. The bad news: the pitch, the opposition, a warmish sunny day and why not blame the curvature of the earth.


I preface this by letting you all know that I lost my notes in an incident which involved; paper, a pocket, water and a washing machine. Yep, I am a truly professional writer….honest, I am. Actually calling myself a writer makes me laugh. So maybe I’m a comedian? I digress…..

The first four minutes started off quiet promising. Three wags on the sideline, a coach and a determined team who were piling on the pressure and forcing the Scotch keeper to raise his heart rate above a pedestrian thud. Jay and Hendy were causing all sorts of trouble and the belief was building.

Then came the turning point of the match; a thumping long kick the length of the ground. The ball and the OS number ten headed Wong-ward at a rampant pace intent on meeting before sending the ball netbound. Wong would become the first victim of the pitch with the ball bouncing unpredictably high and looking to outwit the lunging keeper. Wong managed to get a paw to the ball, but played it nicely to the foot of the awaiting striker who found the net with ease. 1-0 and the beginning of a very troubling first half.

Scotch was intent to bury the game continuing their goal scoring spree and despite best efforts by our lads it was looking likely. AC looked lost as they tried in vein to shut down their playmakers to wrestle back control. The usually calm Captain Cresswell was loosing his cool; Pricey could be heard saying “I can’t be bothered; I’m hung over” it was a mutiny and no one wanted to go down with the ship as the Scotch boys found another two goals.

Trying to stem the flow, and regain the confidence of the players; Rafa Dennis sent the ever enthusiastic Flemo into a battle. “Sacrifice you game son for the greater good of the team. Run with the number ten. Annoy the s*** out of him DO NOT leave his side, not even if he goes to the toilet!!!”. The tactical move seemed to work with Stu doing a stellar job, even forcing the number ten to the bench for an extended period.

HALF TIME

Half time couldn’t come soon enough and a flat AC awaited direction from the soon to be departing coach (predicting the future here). In fact, Rafa Dennis, sensing his fate pulled on his boots and took to the pitch for a ten minute stint to try and prove that if he’s sacked that he still has something to offer this lot. Despite a few touches and his trade mark push and shove with number seven the mission failed and he hit the bench again.

The second half was more of the same with a dominant Scotch, lead by number ten, finding the net twice more by games end to have a handful of goals in the bag. That said there was some stand out AC moments, with the top five being:

1. A deft lob by Dunc from the right wing finding itself in the back of the net
2. Hendy, the goal machine, living up to his name slotting one home
3. Stu’s ability to run with the playmaker. The pair were that close that they are rumoured to be catching up for dinner this week. Wedding bells?

4. Timbo Nolan battling on despite his back repeatedly ceasing up – tough!

5. The stalwart, JT marshalling defence despite a constant barrage of attacks
6. The mouthy and ugly Scotch number seven getting a blood nose – priceless!


Yeah, yeah that’s six……I never said I could count.


The game ended to the chilling echo of number seven yelling to the sidelines “enjoy relegation f*** heads”. Good bloke, full of humility and sportsmanship, but in the end we may go down, but he will be forever ugly.

AC Malvern 2 – 5 Single Malt
Winton, Henderson

Mannie;s man of the match: Jay Byrne
WAG's man of the match: Ivan Dennis (mainly cuase he stood there in bike shorts)


News in brief:
- After the match AC Malvern announced the official end of reign of Rafa Dennis as coach. It’s speculated that Dennis saw the writing on the wall and resigned rather than facing the chop from club officials.

In a letter to club officials it’s believed Dennis said “It’s disappointing, but I believe my position has become untenable. Despite my best efforts, compassion and tolerance the players have lost faith in me and no longer play with the conviction required at this elite level.

I wish the club well as they face new challenges in division three next year and enter the world of football without regrets.


- The season is yet to be completed, but the transfer rumour mill is well and truly active. The latest is a raping an pillaging of the league winning Caulfield with one (and potentially more) yet to be named players sending their Mr 15% in for talks with AC Malvern. The only information available is that the first arrival may be Northern Irish.

A Tiger tale

You’d be forgiven for thinking that club AC had put the cue in the rack for season 2010. Especially when the AC camp arrived at millionaire’s row with – no away strip, no linesman (which our truculent little referee would later use as grounds to discriminate), and no coach (so we travel by mini-bus! boom-boom!). But we did have something – 8 players with 5 minutes til kickoff.

Yep, despite the opulent surroundings that South Yarra’s elite pay to live amongst, even the neighbouring Alfred ICU was looking like the more rosy place to be.

It was a drop in the ocean (and must be said, a very kind gesture) for the might of South Yarra to loan AC Malvern a set of white tops - It was the very last piece of generosity to fall AC’s way.

As the AC 11 retreated from out under the ageless oak trees for kickoff, it was clear South Yarra sniffed an opponent well and truly on the back foot. Conversely, ‘the Yarra’ started with a bang, playing keepings off as AC were left for dust in going with a very slick moving South Yarra side. AC barely had a bootlace to the ball when the first attack of the game found the back of the net inside 2 minutes. 1 nil South Yarra, and AC heads – sensing it was going to be a f*cking long afternoon, dropped that little bit further.

The hiding continued, and South Yarra couldn’t get enough of the ball and were lining up to dine out on uncontested possession, tackle-shy Malvernians, and even the chance to attack from their own half. After several wasted opportunities, providing Wong with a barrage of goal kicking practice, a second was added courtesy of a clichéd brit-boy skinheaded geezer. A belting was on the horizon.

Now I don’t know if we all heard it, but this match reporter certainly did. Words to the effect of: “this is like a training drill!” from the pursed lips of one South Yarra toff. Two goals inside 15 minutes, and I suppose they might’ve felt that way - enough said though as the boys from Central Park went about making amends for a horror start.

The possession count was still lop-sided, but the hardness AC are renowned for began to surface, as the lads got in the face of the home side. Every second tackle seemed to result in a Yarra free kick even when the ref - who bizarrely felt it was acceptable to officiate from the half way line - got it plain wrong. Initial questioning re both matters decision-wise and correct officiating decorum drew the simple (again bizarre) response: “you didn’t provide a linesman, therefore you have no right to question any of my calls, stop complaining”. Captain Cresswell, as captains do, politely offered: “Now mate, I’m pretty sure all those pilgrims didn’t bring the host a plate when they converged onto Bethlsaida, yet i’m tipping they weren’t excluded from the spread of bread and fish laid on by J.C.”…...

Ok, so maybe Steve didn’t say that, but whatever he did say, the ref astounded all, replying: “you should be over there, playing with them” as he pointed dagger-like to the adjacent oval of young girls having a kick. This was iced with a yellow card. Steve’s reply to that was most unholy, albeit appropriate. What, with all this god and fury about, it was half expected that Pricey would intervene and float over with his token angelic gesture to calm things.

Instead, we reluctantly agreed to disagree and just got on with the game. The next free kick – surprisingly to them – found a ball over the AC wall where poor marking would see the easiest of tap in headers from point blank range. 3 nil.

From there AC stepped up another gear, a run from Tim up the middle resulted in a late challenge from the South Yarra centre back, AC won a long overdue free kick, and Tim a faceful of dirt. With Damo running hard out wide - despite the affections of some tight marking, Steve consistently sent the ball long in search of Hendy and the height of Duncan, with support from Dave at ground level. Finally, the South Yarra defenders were being forced into to doing just that, defend. An eventful first half reached it’s conclusion, the cocky swagger of the home team obvious. The AC lads meanwhile, were seething at the firebrand in black, for refusing to cut them an even break – fittingly he sat under a tree on his own.

Half time – and it must be said, was the most eventful part of the afternoon for all concerned in the red & black corner. The first 4 minutes of the interval were invested in plotting an elaborate plan to assassinate the referee, and the next 4 spent on the more gentlemanly approach of lodging a written formal complaint. The final 2 minutes, and it was no doubt fuelled by the first 8, was all about our response to the first half and what we needed to do to get back in the game – Wise heads loosened their tongues and it was implored to the boys 1. We NEVER give in; and 2. Fight like tigers!

Stirring stuff, and certainly no flash in the pan as AC came out firing, determined to win the ball “at all costs” and dominate the one on one contests. South Yarra continued to try and attack like a team winning 3 nil might with cries of “let’s finish this off now!” the mantra. With a full compliment of substitutes, including Carmelo Anthony, South Yarra made regular changes, something AC didn’t have the luxury of calling on.

But AC had reserves of a different kind - determination and a true fighting spirit, despite the massive deficit. As an even contest played out, it became apparent that the pressure and expectation was firmly on the shoulders of the highly fancied South Yarra. Added to this, the bulk of two of the Yarra’s other Sunday teams watched an epic second half unfolding, providing a hostile fortress for the visiting AC Malvern.

Some men use dencorub, others tiger balm, it must be a South Yarra thing though, cos I’m certain these men were using glue for whatever pre-match purpose. What a hazard it was to become! As time and time again their hands found themselves stuck to the shirts of the AC players. Of course, South Yarra’s “12th man” did

bugger all about it.

AC maintained their concentration, as the fab four, Pricey-Colin-Matt-Coults, were churned through a ton of defensive work repelling wave after wave of attack and coolly pushing the ball to safety with Dave & Steve on hand to counter.

The spaces begun to open up for AC, Damo and Tim on their respective wings showing no fear in charging downfield at defenders in search of a waiting Hendy, the lone ranger up front, who was really beginning to take on, and typically beat more than one red shirt when given the chance.

Suddenly, the first half wasn’t a factor, AC had forgotten the score, and it was like the ref hadn’t come back on for the second half. South Yarra were now playing like a team on level pegging, their jersey tugging only bettered by their shameless tripping and pushing & shoving.


Then the breakthrough, as Wong, having a solid game, punched a goal kick straight down the middle of the ground finding the head of Tim who provided a deft flick over the Yarra talls at the back and into the path of a steaming Hendy who patiently waited for the ball to sit up before volleying home, 3-1. The game had begun.

Angry as all hell, South Yarra began biting harder and at each other in an attempt to pull back the ascendency. Damo continued his physical battle with the Yarra’s left winger, even if it meant kissing dirt and ending up on his haunches for the sake of a possession. This was backs-to-the-wall football, and the fab four knew no exceptions, grunting and grinding out tackle after tackle as Colin directed the troops accordingly.

To their credit, South Yarra with their heavy weight of numbers and deep talent pool didn’t halt in terrorising the AC goalmouth, and really should’ve put the game to bed. They didn’t though, and AC kept playing like the game was within reach. Coults fired a long pass out wide to Tim who, sensing his hairlipped opponent was closing, pulled out a turn seen only every three seasons (the last time being at this ground from memory!). With his pants well and truly around his ankles before the band of vocal Yarra supporters, an unsporting act followed. Twinkle-toes, on his way down the wing in search of Hendy, was blatantly tripped over by hairlip flooring the AC left winger. Linesman or not, a card should’ve been shown, but alas, not a brass razoo. Well, a free kick maybe….

With the constant grounding of AC personnel, one AC victim would later be heard complaining: “f*ck me, not even a Grey street hooker working a long weekend would have knees this sore!”

It wasn’t to be forgotten, and in an attempt to show AC were not intimidated by the school yard bully tactics, hairlip found himself on the end of a solid bump by Tim, both players hitting the canvass. Hairlip, another brit geezer, reached for his backpocket with the intention of drawing Tim a Chelsea smile, before thinking better of it and instead downgrading his retaliation to a solid kick to the shin. Yes people, the bloody shin, behind a hard piece of plastic. Now, i’m pretty sure any retaliation is going to have you receiving your marching orders – so why not go the head, the guts, hell, a nipple cripple! The lesson here: Make your parting shot count!

But he didn’t, and it was water off a ducks back as AC would immediately find themselves back on the attack courtesy of a fine running movement which saw the ball zig-zag – Matt to Coults, forward to Steve pushing across to Tim, then right to a rampaging Duncan looking for Hendy. The Yarra cleared but the ball stayed in their half, Damo buzzed around the area looking for the cross and settling for a corner. The Yarra were on the run, and AC Malvern were hunting them down – like a tiger.

More terrific passing in close again caught the Yarra out and finally Hendy, who’d gone close several times was brought down in the box after beating 3 yarra defenders. 3-2 as he nailed the penalty.

The final whistle would see the Yarra hang on – just. AC Malvern would leave Fawkner Park with grazed limbs and bruises aplenty, but with their spirits and heads held much higher than when they arrived. Coults would epitomize the physical encounter, a bloodied head from an errant boot for his troubles, to go with yet another groin strain, guaranteeing a classic watercooler anecdote come Monday morning.

AC had won the second the second half, keeping the home side goalless. Captain Cresswell sucked back a hard earned Alpine and conveyed everyone’s thoughts:

“We’ve never fought that hard before”.

AC Malvern 2 - 3 Sth Yarra

2 Henderson

Mannies Man of the match: Colin – a rock at the back

WAGS Man of the match: Hendy – a diamond up front

The rumour mill:

Could it be!??! AC Malvern Tigers in 2011 

Yellow submarine

An early arrival at the Stadium of Shite on Sunday and I was amazed to see a mass of people, big and small huddled around the rooms. Had the impending return of AC’s past greats been leaked to the media? No. Was it the AC’s full supporter base out in force for a vitally important game? No. Was it a concerned bunch of residents trying to corral an escaped bear who was threatening the kids? Although it sounds stupid, this was in fact the closest to fact. There was a bear, well a man in a bear suit, parading around the pitch with a bunch of kids and balls in a disturbingly odd way.



Bayside Argonauts had only lost twice this season to Berwick and Old Scotch so on paper the chance of a win was rated plausible, but in reality not possible. In the first leg the Argonauts were a formidable opposition destroying a defenceless AC 4-0, but it could have been as much as 8-0 if it weren’t for some luck. This time however, with the season coming to a close and with top spot in their sight, the Argonauts would be chomping at the bit to destroy AC.


The Malvernite’s would this week welcome back some club legends; JT and Brendan for a cameo appearance and long term injury listed Ren. In addition, Rafa Dennis and Chief Wag, Laurie would also return to parade the sidelines barking orders to anyone who would listen.

Despite the mountainous challenge that lay ahead AC were eager and almost ready. The Argonauts were going through the motions of their warm up routine; well drilled like a professional dance troop. AC on the other hand was yet to have a full team on hand five minutes before kick off which concerned the plucky young Canadian ref.

Kick off and AC had eleven fine men, with new dad Steve and Brendan in transit with the BA’s a full compliment of stars.

It wasn’t long into the game when the first chance presented itself. The newly engaged Irishman Colin, still thinking of a French summer and the joy of organising a wedding, attempted to get his body in front of the ball, but instead got his hand to the ball. This meant a nervous moment for AC with a resulting free kick just outside the box. Fortunately though the ball was cleared and Colin sighed with relief.


The Argonauts were in control and kept attacking, but the AC defence was resilient. Damo was at the ready with closest attempt on goal, managing to clear the ball off the line 15 minutes in.

AC then stepped it up taking control from the 20 minute mark. Hendy was shifted back up front and it paid immediate dividends with a shot on goal that was saved by the keeper. Soon after, returning legend, JT played a superb through ball to Hendy who unleashed a rocketing shot only to find the crossbar.

The balance had well and truly shifted and the Argonauts were panicking at the thought of having a lowly team such as AC squash their title ambitions. The panic manifested itself in silly mistakes with the Argonauts evening the handball score at 1-1. Hendy, sensing it was his day, took the resulting free kick only to find the cross bar for a second time. Teams like the Argonauts don’t give you many chances and it seemed luck was not on Malvern’s side.

Ten minutes of dominance resulted in one more change with, you guessed it, Hendy taking a free kick. The ball floated into the box heading for the back post, but sailed fractionally too far for the waiting head of Brendan crossing the line for a goal kick.

This would be the last chance for the half for both teams and AC hit the sheds with a mini victory, holding the title challengers to 0-0 at the break.


HALF TIME

The second half began an AC were immediately under pressure. A resurgent Bayside were clearly unhappy with how the first half unfolded and were determined to make amends, promising goals. Four minutes in and they made good on their promise as they took advantage of an AC defensive lapse, finding the back of the net; 1-0.

The free flowing run from Marty, Brendan and Steve had dried up. The Argonauts, like a boa constrictor, had cut of Hendy’s supply and now heaped pressure on the defence. They had Pinkney, Tim and co scrambling to clear the ball far too frequently.

What followed was the “yellow period”. An over zealous AC was starting to take risks and make mistakes. Firstly, JT imposed himself on the opposition to earn himself the first yellow car of the game. Then, not to be outdone Tim dove in for a challenge earning him a shiny yellow piece of plastic. Feeling left out, and wanting to get into the blog, Pricey decide to lift the boot a little too high for a ball and he too was rewarded completing the trio of yellows.

Despite holding the control and domination, the Argonauts were unable to breach the defence again. AC held on for a honourable 1-0 loss against league heavy weights, but the loss almost guarantees relegation for lads. The only question now that remains, with four games to play, is can AC make like a submarine and get off the bottom?

AC Malvern 0 – 1 Jason and the Argonauts


Mannie’s man of the match: Mark Henderson
WAG’s man of the match: Colin Brien

Useless fact:
- Season 2010 has been disastrous to say the least. AC now has the worst goal difference in the league and the equal most goals against. This season will see AC finish in it's lowest position since records were kept.

The dawning of a new hope?

They say the Westgate Bridge gets a “jumper a week”. AC Malvern, already at the bottom of it, headed yonder to Port Melbourne to tackle a highly regarded Old Melbournian line-up.


Be it the Golden Gate, Sydney’s Harbour Bridge or the Ponte Vecchio – all embody prosperity and optimism in a bustling city. For AC, the ‘Westy’ was to bear witness to 13 Kamikaze’s in red and black, trying their utmost to salvage league survival in one of the most challenging seasons in the clubs history to date.

Despite being victims to the 11am red-eye, opulent amenities resembling a Hyatt bathroom (be even better once they get the hot water on) and a pitch Etihad Stadium would kill for, had the Malvernians upbeat and full of hope for this clash.


Pre-game, and Richie Cunningham (a.k.a the ref) was on hand to offer up his ethos on officiating the game in his best “hey, kids - say no to drugs” type of way. Making it clear that swearing was ok, so long as it’s not directed at him, or any other player -what the fricken else is there then?


Oh…and he also cheekily threw in that he has a “short fuse”.

The AC casualty list again forced changes, Duncan a late withdrawal, and 2nd choice keeper Tim again in the No. 1 shirt in the absence of Wong. Fortunately, Damo packed the Groucho Marx disguise in the wake of last week’s acid tongue fuelled red card and was able to play. Captain Creswell, for the second weekend in a row would start under belated-impending-fatherhood-duress. A fly on the wall was to later hear resident obstetrician Pete Phillips expertly offer “I just hope it doesn’t come out sideways”……(???).

Nobody had forgotten that in their earlier clash, OM stole a last minute equaliser to break the hearts of the AC faithful. This time however, OM seemed determined not to find themselves in that position and started the much stronger, exploiting the wide spaces. A typically Port Melbourne gale was behind the home side, complemented by frosty (not just the silly nickname of the OM right winger) conditions that OM were probably well accustomed to.

A dominant display of possession, coupled with AC’s failure to allow OM far too much space out wide gave them early chances to put dangerous crosses forcing AC to scramble away. It wasn’t long before the first aerial raid of the day would bare fruit, as a wind assisted cross most keepers would call ‘bait’ quickly became the one that got away as it sailed over Tim’s head allowing the OM striker to comfortably head home. 1 nil.

The OM attacking raids continued, with AC taking longer to get into the game, however resuming their impressive passing movements of recent weeks when things did start to click. Again though, they allowed OM far too much space as they kept the AC defenders busy and rained down a barrage of, mostly misfired, shots goalward. On a pitch that was seemingly more square than rectangular, it became abundantly clear that the wings were the place to be as Pricey and Pete, showing great energy, moved the ball up and down the right, whilst Steve, Marty and Dave peppered the left with some short and neat passing. Then disaster, with OM continuing their run on the back of an early goal, a counter attack ensued with a fleeting run in from the wing, then finished with a low hard shot sneaking inside the near post for a second. 2 nil.

The tempo shifted as OM, rather than go in for an early kill, seemed to sit back and let AC start to dominate possession. With gusto, Jason began ferreting the ball away from the OM mids, on hand were Dave & Stu to impressively lay off some critical touches whilst intercepting much of OM’s passes through the midfield. After a couple of ambitious long balls in the direction of Hendy had the OM defenders on their guard, they were then on their backsides as he skipped past 3 or 4 defenders to narrowly shoot wide. The contest had truly begun and it was only a couple more solid minutes of football from a suddenly busy AC before Hendy would again be in space and fire home his 10th for the season. 2-1 into the break.


Half Time


Buoyed by self belief that an improbable comeback was taking place, AC started the second half a polar opposite to the first, the eagerness to level proceedings evident from the get go.


Not having things go all their own way was beginning to frustrate some OM, and AC was on the end of a couple of cheap and nasties. One git in particular stood out for the all blues – and it wasn’t just the red shorts and socks – as his inability to control the ball manifested in the form of jersey grabbing, abuse and tripping in his attempts to win back repeatedly lost possession.


AC got on with the job, OM fighting hard to repel wave after wave of attack. Yet another corner came AC’s way, with pinch hitter Owen making his presence felt and getting on to a header. It was Australia V Ghana all over again, as a Harry type moment ensued as the OM defender kept Owen’s shot out with his arm. Ref Cunningham, pointed to spot and gave only a yellow card. There was some justice, as Hendy stepped up and coolly slotted home his second of the day. OM sensed a loss at home brewing.


Tiring legs and a couple of AC injuries (including a kick in the nuts to Owen) saw necessary changes take place and OM take a minute to catch their breath. A run through the middle and then out wide found an overlap as Marty, doing a sensational job in getting back to assist the AC defenders, clumsily fell into the back of an OM actor who drew the penalty.


OM’s captain stepped up and drilled the ball into the roof of the net before Tim even had a chance to leave his line. But a restored lead meant nothing, and AC pressed forward, hard and wide whilst injecting more speed than the nearby Todd Rd servo truckie stop. OM, again well and truly on the back foot, were chasing AC passages of play and lucky not to have 2 or 3 past them in quick succession. After desperate scrambling and a clearance or two off the line, AC was finally rewarded as Jason capped off a jinking run with a ripping goal to again equalise. 3 each and it was turning into a classic.


The next several minutes of play saw AC with as many as half a dozen opportunities to claim the lead for the first time, and you got the feeling they wouldn’t be looking back if they got in front. An inspirational passage of play from Steve beating four opponents and turning defence into attack, found the speed of Marty who got himself into enough space to unleash a shot just after the crossbar.

The AC back four, though weary, tightened and the talk was good with limited space given away between themselves and Tim in goals. OM, to their credit put in a final hard five minutes – including an overhead bicycle kick Steady Eddy would be proud of which was accurately described as “rubbish” from a teammate.

Then, an OM free kick found the head of a loose forward, with Tim only able to parry the shot into the post as it fortuitously bounced back off the woodwork and into the back of his head finally before finally resting in the back of the net (he would later claim it as his first AC goal). An unlikely last minute equaliser so nearly fell AC’s way, as Jason, a standout in a quality team display, came within a bee’s dick of getting onto a last ditch cross. The final whistle equalled sighs of relief from OM in a very entertaining game of football.


AC Malvern 3 - 4  OM
Henderson 2, Byrne

Mannies Man of the Match: Jason Byrne

WAG's Man of the Match: Hendy


OM might’ve won the war, but AC claimed many of the battles – A magnificent effort against one of the better sides in the competition – fought right to the end. The character and determination to claw back a two goal deficit and twice equalise was as good as we’ve seen from the red and black this year. The sort of commitment will guarantee an 11th hour survival in the league! Chins up - probably our best game of the season despite being a loss.