Retreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat, we're under fire!

A beautiful sunny day and a trip down the peninsula to the Bayside Argonauts home; it conjures images of tranquillity, fun and dare I say it, frivolity. What would follow was a re-enactment of one of Australia (and New Zealand’s) most famous trips to a Turkish peninsula - Gallipoli. Today would be a day where an under strength AC would be showered, not with shells as the ANZAC’s were, but attacks and shots at goal from a rampaging collection of Argonauts.

Most of the disorganised and make shift AC arrived at Shipston Reserve focused and hopeful of close encounter. Sparky Coulter however had his mind elsewhere; almost missing the kick off for a big stack of homemade pancakes before being gently reminded of the 11AM kick off.

The great Oracle that is the magnetic team sheet imparted pre- match wisdom to the masses. The line up was a marginally defensive 4-5-1 which still allowed for a counter attack, should one present itself. However, knowing the quality of Bayside, these would be few and far between.

The whistle blew and it was no more that 23 seconds in that the Argonauts had their first shot on goal. A warning shot over the bow this time, but enough to sent panic into the camp and forced an automatic rethink from the coaching staff at the sideline and a reshaped formation of 5-4-1.

AC was allowed on average 0.4 seconds with the ball before being pressured and ultimately turning over possession. It was a clear case of “get it and twat it up the pitch” then recover for the next line of attack. With possession at a premium it was clear that the focus must shift to accountable football. Mark your man and track back to help the back five would be the order of the day. This of course was easier said than done, as it requires fitness levels of a team that trains which AC are not.

Attack after attack continued with most of the Argonauts foray’s forward coming down AC’s right wing. Pricey was having a nightmare on the right, exposing the right back to two or three attackers at once. The result was clear, and a hapless Malvern watched on as the Argonauts slotted home two goals before half time.

AC’s highlight package from the first half was; the now patented Pricey arms up stance, a yellow card to Flemo, who whilst on the bench and let the ref know his thoughts on proceedings “That’s bullsh*t”, with the third more comical than highlight. An AC player was taken down two meters inside the box, yet was not awarded a penalty. It seems the ref must have used up his seasons quota of penalties or there is a new FIFA rule being trailed in the FFV thirds. The result was a free kick was awarded but it was to be taken outside the box. Confused? We all were.....

The ref, sensing AC’s need for a break, and Rich Wong’s potential work cover claim for a sore back from picking the ball out of the net, shortened the half to 43:05.

AC went into half time knowing that a change was needed which was made more difficult with the injury to centre back Brien.

HALF TIME

A structural reshuffle to a less traditional formation that may need to be adopted by the Socceroos in South Africa of 9-2-0 may have helped, but Rafa Dennis and Hendy opted to keep the 5-4-1 with some key changes; R.J. Price to prowl the defence at right back and Damo to centre back.

The early going was tough and was shaping as a carbon copy of the first half with AC very much on the back foot. Taking advantage like a trained killer, the Argonauts slotted home two early goals and the signs were ominous for a belting, especially with Sparky Coulter hobbling off with hamstring knack. Injury count = two.

Determination is a lovely word, but it also describes what, in the face of such adversity, AC would display. Four nil down and like a punch drunk fighter against the ropes AC came out swinging; metaphorically speaking of course. The back four had now gelled and Price was dominating the right side of the field saying “this is my house get the f*** outta here”. Twinkle Toes Tim, back from a power walking hiatus was showing great speed, style and stamina on the left side. Add to this Damo and Pinkney controlling the centre of defence; the leaky sieve had now become the impenetrable force.

On the back of the performance of the Fantastic Four (refer left), the midfield started to see more of the ball. Ted, the quarterback, launched the attacks finding Jay and Steve who now were able to deliver to talisman, Ralpha.

Like a petulant child, the Argonauts were starting to get annoyed with the shift in power paying particular attention to the big cuddly Ralpha. The level of attention given to young Peter Seidel would, in the real world, require you to either buy him an expensive dinner or get him really drunk. Either way, it spurred the big man on, and AC had a couple of chances to get on the scoreboard but without result.

The game petered out to remain 4-0; however the boys should be commended for not letting it be a much bigger schalcking with a strong second half perfomance. AC clearly missed Owen and Hendy today, and with an ever increasing injury list, the big questions are being asked for the remainder of the season.

An equally formidable opponent lies in waiting this week. South Yarra or as they are otherwise know; the English National thirds team who are salivating and circling like vultures on the rotting carcass that is AC Malvern.

AC Malvern 0 – 4 Gallipoli Argonauts

Mannie’s man of the Match: R. Price

WAG’s man of the match: D. Beullens

Bits and bobs:

- Rafa Dennis looks to be on his last legs. Sources at the club indicating that this weeks game against South Yarra is his last chance to impress. Waiting in the wings for now is former Celtic ball boy, Mark Henderson.

- Pricey sights a phone conversation with Fabio Capello and English right back Glen Johnson as his inspiration for turning around his performance.

BREAKING NEWS: It's official

The NOT SO lucky Irish

On the eve of the festival of the boot in Sowf Affreeca, Coach Norf Lundon was given the call up to be team Enger-land’s assistant to the assistant of the assistant coach. So, with a blink of an eye CNL sobered up, packed his bags and bought a ticket on the first available Drunk Atlantic Airlines flight out of here. All ships need a leader, but with Coach Norf Lundan and Captain Cresswell away, it was left to the Not So Special One, “Rafa” Dennis to steer the HMAS AC Malvern.

Arriving what would be ordinarily perceived as early, the lads from AC found long time rivals, Old Melbournian’s kitted and running drills. This was a seriously focused and well drilled team fighting for an advantage and some breathing space up at the pointy end of the table. AC on the other hand was happy with mid table mediocrity given that they are the only team in the league not to train (unless you call Friday night sessions on the tiles training).

Kick off at the Stadium of Shite was followed by an intense and ferocious resolve from the boys of AC. Despite the difference in ladder positions AC were certainly on top of this game.

AC’s first chance came seven minutes in with a Hendy corner finding the head of “long pants” Winton at the back post whose header sailed agonisingly close. Only seven minutes later Hendy was involved again, this time a free kick from outside the box was curling in, only to have the keeper push the ball over the bar. The Wee Weegie had returned to form and would surely sink one today.

The lads from Malvern continued to dominate the affluent and educated lads from Old Melbourne without result. This is becoming a sorry tale of season 2010 for AC; playing well and sometimes dominating, but not getting the results required.

Three minutes left in the first half and against the tide, OM’s broke down the left wing to slot home a goal that would surely mentally destroy AC. Choosing not to drop their bundle, AC lifted further and the pressure and passion resulted in them winning a free kick outside the box. This time Hendy struck the ball, curled around the wall and found the back of the net; 1-1.

HALF TIME

Buoyed by the first half efforts and half time pats on the back from all an sundry, AC ran back on the pitch in front of what now had become a huge crowd.

George Best look-a-like, Engel was showing his class turning inside out the fitter and younger OM’s players, bedazzling them with his foot skills. AC continued to control the midfield with Jay, Dunc and Pete using the ball well, feeding Hendy and Price with opportunities to score. The best of the opportunities came just after the hour with a header from Rich Owen requiring a great save from the OM’s keeper.

OM’s full preseason and twice weekly training was starting to show its value. AC, without a preseason and any form of training (ever) were losing control of the midfield forcing a stellar effort from the back four. OM’s fitness showed and they kept running, and kept coming. A resilient defence combined with some cracking saves from Wong was all that was keeping Malvern on level terms.

The arm wrestle continued until the 80th minute when a ball from long pants Winton was pushed out to the left to a tiring Hendy. Hendy ran with it until within range and pulled the trigger, finding the back of the net for his second brace in as many weeks; 2-1. “I had to shoot, I canny run anymore” was the breathless statement from Glasgow’s wee lad.

In unfamiliar territory, AC fought tooth and nail to hold onto the surprise lead. With only one substitute and a building list of injuries, a special effort was required. Three minutes to go Ren put his body on the line, taking one for the team. When Ren eventually stood up after wasting precious time there was more claret flowing from his noggin than at a Spanish Fiesta. Fortunately for Ren we had Nurse Emma on the sidelines to assess the damage. The result was six stiches and scar for life which all unfolded in front of his wife and daughter.

Time was running out and AC looked to finally get reward from all their efforts this season. Surprisingly with the amount of Irish in this team you think luck would be on AC’s side, but alas it’s not. A Fergie time floating header found the back of the net with only 27 seconds left on the clock. OM’s had found the equaliser and AC was devastated.


The match finished 2-2 and AC certainly deserved a win, but that’s football and that’s why we love it.


AC Malvern 2 – 2 OM’s

Henderson 2

Mannie's man of the match: Colin Brien and Rich Wong (TIED)
WAG's man of the Match: Rich Owen

News in brief:

- Pricey has been linked with a sponsorship deal with Toblerone. Company spokesman saying “It’s the perfect fit, he runs around with Toblerone shaped boots in front of goal.”

Fireworks, body checks and vocal yokels

iPod; check, lollies; check, map; check, perfect, all the things required for a long road trip. With a checklist like that, one could be mistaken for thinking that the boys of AC were about to embark on a road trip of biblical proportions. They were, in fact back in (Christopher) Columbus times Berwick would be considered off the edge of the (flat) earth, an unchartered land.


So, with passports in hand and fuel tanks full all and sundry headed WAY, WAY out South-East to Berwick “City’s” fortress which for the unfamiliar is just shy the iconic Moe. It may also be worth mentioning that the destination is famous for the Australian comedy hit, Kath & Kim being based on the area and its inhabitants. Would we see Kel Day on the sidelines?


Upon arrival we noted that the cows had been moved to a neighbouring paddock and tractors were parked in the shed, all was in readiness. The WAGS positioned themselves to get the best use of the unseasonal sun and talk about shopping when they were approached by a yokel from BCFC. The poor man had not seen that many women at a match let alone a flock of such quality. “Why are you here to watch the thirds? They’re sh*t” he chortled. I can only assume that their response was something along these lines “We’re here for a perve and these boys don’t move to fast. So we can get a real good look!”


We all remember back to the heated Mother’s day battle of 2009 which was brought us unity and the classic lines “Come on lads, calm down, it’s Mothers day” and “You’re ugly. You’re offensive to look at” and who’ll ever forget the “I’ll punch you in your throat you Ginger [censored by AC Malvern Lawyers]”. So what would this year bring us?


The teams took the immaculately manicured pitch and from the beginning it looked like being an intense and ferocious battle. It wasn’t long in when the battle took its first casualty with Dennis taking himself off after 7.3 minutes, sighting an inability to see. [ED Note: It could be argued that his lovely fiancée has lost the ability to see by choosing him] I bet his mum and dad were wrapped to make the journey to see him play for 7.3 minutes. Surely this was pants award worthy?


Back to the game……Berwick had the ascendency early, banking on AC taking time to adjust to the new time zone. Unlike most teams to date, Berwick took advantage and managed to get two quick goals past the birthday boy Captain Cresswell to have AC on the back foot.


With nap time over AC woke to a 2-0 score line which sparked them into action. The spine of Owen, Byrne and Henderson started to take control of proceedings and a goal was imminent.
Riverdance found himself in possession and lumped his right Predator into the ball pushing a speculative pass forward. Hendy, yet to score and desperate to break his duck, sensed a chance begging. He chased hard getting on the end of it and finding himself one on one with the vocal keeper. The wee wedgie kept his composure and scored number one for season 2010; 2-1.


Fireworks and heated words were now becoming the norm. Both playing groups were taking no prisoners and even the benches were getting involved. The WAG’s and Mr & Mrs Dennis were all extremely vocal in their support for AC and distain for the Berwick players and occupants of their bench. It was making for an intense atmosphere.


Jay was looking more like Lionel Messi, totally dominating the midfield, but AC just couldn’t convert despite a couple of good chances. Berwick on the other hand converted their only chance with a cracking goal finding the back of the net; 3-1.


The quality o the game had lifted a notch, matching the intensity from the sidelines. White line fever was starting to show on some players and Berwick gave away a silly free kick outside the box. AC’s Viduka, Ralpha stepped up to take the kick and opted for a short option (not a pun) finding Hendy outside the box on the right. What followed was a beautiful strike that saw the ball majestically fly past defenders and keeper alike. Hendy has number two, but importantly his mojo was back; 3-2.


AC was now playing the best we’ve seen for some time now. Stringing passes together and were intimidating in defence. Jay, playing a blinder continued to dominate, but now Flemming, Mota, Pinkney and Coulter in fact all had lifted and were desperate to beat this mob of hicks.


A sucker punch! Berwick slotted the second cracking and unstoppable goal leaving them up 4-2. AC were quick to respond though as Cresswell took a corner managing to find the head of a floating Owen who made no mistake; 4-3.


The crowd again lifted (if that’s possible) and the volume had now reached fever pitch. Bodies were clashing and AC had opportunities to draw the game level. Quickly though Berwick rode the luck train again getting a third freakish goal, indicating that it just wasn’t AC’s day. That’s unfortunately where the score line finished and both teams headed for the sheds knowing that they were just involved in a classic encounter and another intense Mother’s day battle. This little Meerkat can’t wait until the return leg in Malvern.


AC Malvern 3 - 5 Berwick Schitty
Henderson 2, Owen

Mannie's Man of the Match: Jason Byrne
WAG's man of the Match: Jason Byrne

Bits and Bobs:
- Rumour has it that two AC Players have breached the travel rules finiding themselves on the same plane from Sydney to Melbourne. Have they not learnt anything from Man United's Munich trip?
- Claire Henderson has now certainly lifted the bar in terms of support. She packed a lunch of beautiful fruit, cheese, avacado and biscuits only to have it shared amongst the masses that occupied the AC bench. This WAG's thing is gaining momentum. I expect it wont be too long before they bring along a bottle of crisp white whine to get through the games.


This week:
AC vs old foe, Ol' Melbourne at Central Park Malvern - 1 PM kick off

Old Camberwell reveal Malvern of old

The AC Boys arrived at the Stadium of Shite pumped and expecting to break out some serious dance moves. The excitement and anticipation of pre-game entertainment delivered by DJ Sparkles, pictured right, had many of the lads arriving with break dance mats in toe. This would bring about the first disappointment of the day with a no show from the DJ himself. With an early morning sms from his manager stating; “Sparkles can’t make it today. He’s been asked to do a wicked set at 21st Century nightclub in Frankston.” It’s clear to us all that he’s moving up in the world; I hope he has Cold Chisel on his playlist.

Am I bias? Well I guess a little, but once again AC dominated proceedings early, but like last week, just couldn’t get the ball past the keeper. The frustration amongst the playing group, and the sole WAG watching on was growing and one could sense something, or someone would explode. More about that one later.

The back four, lead by Rich Owen were doing a fantastic job and with Captain Cresswell and Flemo dominating the midfield it was only a matter of time.

Hendy, missing from the scoresheet so far in season 2010 was intent on making an impact in other ways. Finding the ball at his feet out near Cranbourne, he weaved around defenders with more reliability than Metro Trains. The Wee Weegie covered the inner South Eastern suburbs, stopping all stations, before arriving just shy of the box at Central Park; on time and as scheduled (journey outline pictured left).

From just outside the box he delivered a precision pass into the path of a runaway train, newbie Flemo who slotted his first AC goal….toot-toot; 1-0.

Could the tide be turning? Yep, unfortunately the wrong way though.

What looked like a reprise of the classic musical “Goalie chasing the bouncy ball without success”, this time starring Mr Wong, saw him caught somewhere around the penalty spot as the ball freakishly bounced everywhere, but into the keeper’s hands (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Bb8P7dfjVw).

Unfortunately for Mr Wong, the ball was stopped from ending up road kill on Burke Road by the dastardly net; 1-1 and a tirade of abuse from Captain Creswell ensued.

Rich, not to be deflated by the mishap in goals, pulled out what can only be described as two of the best saves ever seen at the Stadium of Shite using deft reflexes by hand an foot to more than recover.

The unwell Marty Monster soon after found himself with a chance to recover the score line after being on the end of a delectable Hendy pass only to have his shot smash the upright and rocket away.

Frustration was bubbling and threatening to spill over. Ac’s dominance abated in the second half and the boys in red and black just couldn’t finish in the final third. Old Camberwell (OC) on the other hand were dominant from set pieces and around the box managing to slot home another two goals and hold a 3-1 lead.

You remember earlier I spoke of exploding. Well, the first instance was the return of the Dennis of old. A dangerous tackle from the OC midfielder, pinned the leg of the skinny right winger in front of the AC Members’ stand. The blood boiled, and the not so scary Dennis launched an attack stopping just short of swinging cut lunches. Which to be honest wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I think everyone held their breath, scared by the fact that the future Mrs Dennis was meters away with bag in hand and ready to pull the trigger with a follow up kick in the pants.

The second was a little more predictable, Steve, frustrated with proceedings and the fact that the lanky number seven was a twat; lashed out and connected a warning shot tempting things to kick off. Fortunately anger subsided and normal service was resumed.

The match then fizzled out to a devastating 3-1 loss for AC Malvern. Coach Norf Lundon couldn’t be contacted for comment, but Sparky (not related to DJ Sparkles) said “There’s always next week pal. We’re going for a lovely drive next week. A trip out to Berwick, I can’t wait. It’ll be canny fun” clearly missing the point about playing football.

AC Malvern 1 - 3 Old Camberwell

Flemo

Mannie Man of the match: Rich Wong

WAG Man of the match: Rich Owen

Interesting stat: Most assists for 2010 - Hendy

Berwick, this weeks destination, in summary
Former residents:
- Home of Australia’s first Olympian and gold medallist, Edwin Flack (800m & 1,500m)

- Former successful Celtic striker and unsuccessful Australian striker, Scott McDonald
- AFL games record holder, Michael Tuck
- 2009 AFL No.1 draft pick Tom Scully (Melbourne FC)

Other useless facts:
- Wikipedia tells me that “Berwick has its own large retailers including a Woolworths, a Coles and a Mitre 10”………how very civilised
- For those who get lost, set your Sat Nav with the following coordinates 38°02′28″S 145°20′56″E
-The most interesting fact is that the home ground of Berwick City (where Scott MacDonald started his career) is not in Berwick, but in Narre Warren North not far from Ersnt Wanke Road (for real) and within 200m of the former residence of Vanessa Amorosi. Bored yet? I am.......so, jump on your tractors and head out to support the boys this week.

Round three - a pictorial