Sunday, bloody Sunday

Sunday, Central Park Malvern - It was an ominous sign when the AC Malvern squad stepped off their team bus to find themselves in two minds about which shed to bunker down into. You see folklore (and depending who you believe – which doesn’t mean a brass razoo amongst this lot) suggests an acrimonious split between a once footballing super-power, the Lord Malvern Silvertails, as the catalyst in forming these two more modestly named teams, Central Park Rangers and AC Malvern.

The football was equally modest, and AC’s before mentioned change room confusion seemed to play a part in passages of the game.

Despite it’s inconvenient timeslot, The FA Cup was the chosen curtain raiser to AC Malvern V Rangers clash. Fortunately FIFA were able to reshuffle a couple of other tin-pot hack scraps and give the two sides a popular 3pm kickoff.

Not to be outdone, local entrepreneur and part-time referee Alan Clark pounced on an obvious gap in the market, proposing an annual grudge match celebrating the local rivalry, The (inaugural) Central Park Club Championship was welcomed by all. The prize: The McRopod Cup

As silverware was now up for grabs, the football was expected to be of a high standard, and AC Malvern set the benchmark early with some dazzling passing that even the highly fancied Rangers struggled to cope with. With this form, it wasn’t long before space was being created by the AC midfielders, who had the AC marksmen firing off the first of a string of shots, courtesy of go-to man Ralphy Seidel. Earlier, Ralphy’s choice of pre-game attire including purple sneakers, and snot-nose punk streetwear look dubious, but it was all part of his philosophical “looks like a tiger, acts like a tiger, actually is a….” strategy to play like a 20yo. It did the trick, and the ensuing corner very nearly paid dividends as Rangers found AC all over them like a fat kid on a smartie.

With no respite, and even the AC defenders able to sneak over the halfway line, a goal was imminent. Another slick left-to-right passing movement again found space and created an undefendable overlap. With AC players lining up like Cronulla Sharks in an Auckland motel room, Matty Johns, aka Ivan Dennis stepped up to score (pardon the pun). Dennis’ offseason “goals for cards” initiative with FIFA’s Fair Play policy has proved a roaring success, with Ivo not saying so much as “boo” to a fly whilst he builds a healthy goal tally this season - see archive pic below right

Where the dominance should’ve continued, AC seemed to take the foot off, and to their credit, Rangers seized the opportunity to get back into the contest, winning more 50/50 balls and basically getting their sh*t together.
Following a two game losing streak, and with a mounting injury list, the last thing AC needed was their pocket dynamo off the park. Engel had been the barometer to AC’s dominance thus far, so when shinsplints came on, Engel came off. Again Rangers took full advantage and gradually begun to cause problems for the AC defence. It seemed almost unfair, when against the run of play, a well placed but by no means powerful lob sailed over the heads of the AC back four and past the holy ghost for an equaliser. 1-1

In a critical final 15mins to the first half, AC seemed to let the equaliser get to them. Coupled with the antics of the acid-tongued No. 15 Rangers captain who seemed capable of talking under wet cement – if only it were so. Despite the turnaround, the next chance actually fell AC’s way, as Mark ‘hendy’ Henderson let fly with a Protestant-hatred fuelled strike that could only be stopped by divine intervention. It seemed Con had pissed someone off in his earlier Sermon as an almost ‘god-like’ interference sent the ball into the path of the flailing keeper. He would later go on to do as we all have and blame the City of Stonnington’s groundsman – little did he know. Despite another close call, Rangers were again relentless in attack with AC having used up a good amount of juice. Once more against the run of play, opportunity fell the way of Rangers as they exploited a lapse in concentration from an AC corner. What could have very easily been an AC scoring chance quickly turned into a disaster as the ball was moved quickly through the vacant space by the opposition. Outnumbered, the AC defence were unable to hold off the late drive and a second goal was coolly slotted past a diving Con. Halftime 2-1.

Feeling a little despondent for allowing two pretty soft goals, AC underwent a change in structure as serial pest Steve C. slotted into the centre back role with great aplomb. From start to finish the second half was an arm-wrestle, with Rangers seemingly happy to defend a lead. With Engel back on the park in a cameo role, chances continued to be created, however more than a couple of these fell victim to what only could be described as sabotage on direct scoring opportunities. Despite this, Rangers defended what AC were able to throw at them with the resultant free kicks. Perhaps if the referee was thinking clearly and not about ensuing puberty a penalty might’ve fallen AC’s way, or a seemingly extinct red card for the repeat offenders - including our earlier cited potty-mouthed No. 15 compatriot. Ironically, it was AC’s lack of communication which proved to be the team downfall as a barrage of attacking raids on the Rangers defence went begging. As the day darkened, so too did AC’s fight back and the trophy slipped out of their reach as a result of a second half stalemate between the two sides. A draw would’ve been fitting, whilst watching the other mob bathe in Moet and glory whilst show-boating the mantle around made the loss that little bit harder to swallow. Despite no jersey’s being exchanged (budget restraints), the game was played in good spirits and AC look forward to reclaiming the bounty.

Special thanks go’s to Alan Clark for coming up with a fantastic concept, that in all honesty makes Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket idea look pretty ordinary. Top draw Al!

Bring on Round 2.

Team Quote:
“We came looking to emulate Everton’s fairytale FA Cup campaign, I think a few of the boys took the chain of events from the final a little too literally”

AC Malvern 1 - 2 Central Park Rangers

Dennis