"Least we forget" sorry not enough time!

At the dawning of a new day, ANZAC Day, Australian’s around the world paid tribute to those who have sacrificed their lives in wars past and present.

In sporting terms however, the day is famous for the classic annual match between Essendon and Collingwood at the MCG. This year though, AC would take the field WAY OUT east in Nunawading in a match of equal importance with both teams looking to notch up their first win for 2010.

The teams were keen to pay tribute to those who had passed, but in the words of the ref “the FFV are a bunch of f*** heads who can’t organise anything. I am going to have to shorten the length of your f****** game thanks to those pr*** because the game before you finished late and the under 14’s MUST start at 12:30PM. F**** idiots!” Now given that most of the Malvern lads had just woken up, and some may even still drunk; it took a while to sink in. Once it did though, the penny dropped that a shortened game against a team all under 30 years old could only be good for the aging elite of Malvern. So, both teams took the field sans tribute and playing 35 minute halves.

As the whistle went in front of the large crowd (Ed note: yep, even bigger than last week – the hype is building people), including a near full compliment of WAG’s, AC took the ascendancy and moved the ball around at will, just not into the back of the net.

Coach Norf Lundon went into the match with a defensive 5-3-2 formation and it was paying dividends. The wings were being controlled by lung busting runs from Coults on the left and Dennis on the right forcing the ball into the jokers in the middle. Whilst dominant AC were still without a result; that is, until……………………

A sweet ball delivered from the jokers in the middle to Captain Cresswell. He gathered and entered the box (don’t be dirty – how old are you, seriously?) from the left wing looking more like Alberto Tomba at the 88 Calgary games as he used the Nunawading defence as slalom gates whilst waltzing toward goal. Left, then right, then left again he went, before slotting the ball in the back of the net and picking up the football slalom gold medal for the perfect run; 1-0

Nunawading were quick to respond with a goal I really have no interest in going into the details of, but it should be noted that it was an unstoppable shot past the ever improving R. Wong; 1-1

On the brink of half time the prepubescent Nuna midfielder chortled his disagreement toward the ref saying “Sorry sir, but I believe the call you made just now was erroneous. As a result I would love to give you the opportunity to recall the previously mentioned error and mark a wrong a right”. This was of course HIS story; the ref heard otherwise and showed him a shiny piece of red card.

HALF TIME

Salivating at the weakened Nuna, one kid down, Coach Lundon took the lead from Napoleon Bonaparte screaming “ATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTACK” and so the AC revolution was launched in the form of a 4-4-2 line up.

The change took immediate effect with PLENTY of chances falling at the feet of the red and black juggernaut. Hendy was unlucky with his shot blazing over the bar. Then, not to be outdone Dennis launched a similar trajectory shot goal ward with the same result. Could these efforts be beaten??? Ahhhh, yep, in steps hot shoe shuffle Price. With the ball at his feet he did the Pricey shuffle (refer Riverdance for a visual) giving enough time for the entire 11 Nuna boys to form a wall and save on the goal line. Frustrated at someone, anyone or anything Ricardo raised his hands to gesticulate via the usual means; his impression of Jesus on the crucifix.

EVENTUALLY, with six minutes to go, reward! [Insert name here] plays the ball right to an awaiting Pete who pummelled the ball under the keeper and the “tanned” Northern Ireland lad is on the board for the Golden Croc.

Two minutes later, on the crest of a wave of adrenaline, the QE2 let ball run further away from goal (than anyone would) to buy him time to do an encore performance of the Pricey shuffle on the spot before FINALLY swinging his right Predator into the ball sailing it past the keeper; 3-1 and how it ended today.

AC Malvern 3 - 1 Nunawading WAY OUT OF THE City FC
Cresswell, Phillips, Price

Mannie's Man of the match: Mark Coulter
WAG'S Man of the match: Pete "ladies love me" Phillips

BITS & BOBS:
The Malvern Wags said the votes are in for the worst haircut of the year award which goes to the suburban lad from Nunawading City FC. This young lad gave the WAGs 90 minutes, actually 70 minutes of laughter and the picture, right, tells you why.

Hendy is yet to score this season. The Wee Weegie does not go goalless for too long. He's due, oh yes and due for a few. So take heed Old Camberwell Grammar bhoys, little Glasgow is about to POP!

A Malvernite lad may find himself on the cusp of greatness. You may know him as Pricey, the QE2 and some even call him the Prow….[oops, the legal team wont allow me to publish the last one in full]. The Price is going to leverage off the now legendary, yet comedic image of him throwing his arms up at random, creating his own clothing label. The soon to be released Savers label comes with the iconic image (pictured below) which some claim to be Air Jordan Mark II.

Calamity Games, or James

A picture tells a thousand words, and given that I posted four pictures I thought I could get away without writing a match summary…..however a mailbox full of complaints would suggest otherwise.

Up a division and potentially suffering the effects of vertigo after reaching the dizzying heights of division two; the sweltering hot day started in not so AC fashion. Everyone arrived early and were on the pitch, dressed and ready to go more than fifteen minutes before the game – unheard of in season past. After the customary shots on goal, the lads stood around confused, not knowing to do with all this extra time. As stretching and warm ups are never an option, they boys were fortunate enough to have the WAGS (pictured left) turn out in force, giving plenty to distract their attention until kick off and beyond.

An intense and even battle was expected in front of the biggest crowd AC has ever seen at Central Park (if you include Golden Retriever Freddie Owen in the count, which I have).

From the off, “possession”( I use the term very loosely) was fairly balanced with not too many chances developing until just after midway through the first half. AC newbie, Marty Monster took the ball down the right side of the box, combining well with Jason to beat four defenders before the Irish duo combined. Jay sunk his boot into the ball sweetly crossing to the back post, where Colin Brien the divine leapt to head the ball into the back of the net; 1-0.

What followed was a forgettable debut for newly appointed goalkeeper Mr Wong who would have wished he was anywhere but at Central Park. The new AC keeper did his best at replicating some of David "Calamity" James best, hmmm, no worst form with great success. In fact, early on it was looking like former Victory keeper Michael Theoklitos’ Norwich City debut where he let in five goals before half time. The end result on this occasion was two goals to Caulfield and two contributions to these magnificent highlight packages:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv5GMMBcGOs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4b7flwMTwM&feature=fvw

Once nerves abated, Rich Wong recovered composure and put much better second half performance.
The rest of the game was a balanced affair, if not slightly in favour of an impressive Malvern outfit. The scoresheet however was not kind and Caulfield would slot another home to be 3-1 up.

The lads at AC weren’t without their chances to balance the ledger or even sneak a victory, with Jason and Marty the main tormentors of Caulfield’s defence.

The Monster found himself one on one with the keeper and with a deft chip from outside the box at speed, lobbing him only to watch the ball sail agonisingly close, but sadly the wrong side of the crossbar. Jay fashioned many chances; one hitting the upright and another that only a spectacular save from the Grammarian keeper, diving right and low would stop.

And so it ended with the score at 3-1, and Malvern walked off to the plaudits of the WAGS, but with heads slung low thinking about the one that got away.

Facing the media for the first time this season, coach Norf Lundon had this to say ”They lost, not my fault. I gave them the formation and tools to win, but the twats couldn’t put it away, innit!”

Honourable mention must go to Captain Cresswell for not losing his cool despite being booted in the legsfour times in quick succession by a Grammarian.

AC Malvern 1 - 3 Caulfield Grammarians
Brien

Mannie Man of the Match (MMOM): Jason Byrne

WAGS Man of the Match (WMOM): Colin Brien

This week’s game:
A trip down the Eastern Freeway to Forrest Hill with a ridiculous early kick off of 11AM facing Nunawading City who were convincingly beat by South Yarra 5-1.

Round one - a pictorial

A Hendy header heads wide....JUST

Dennis strikes a pose

Pete under pressure

Pete launches the ball forward

Pricey turns 'em inside out

Round one.....comes around too soon

After what can only be described as a pathetic pre-season, AC Malvern go into round one completely under done having not touched a ball. Pre-season for most consisted of copious amounts of booze and fighting in bars a la Steven Gerrard; swinging punches at "victims" with the speed of stumbling drunk and in the eyes of the Police and FFV, not connecting. Seems only Joey Barton ever connects.

Round one is a repeat of last season where AC will line up against Caulfield Grammarians at the fortress that is Central Park. Coach Norf Lundon has announced the team to take the pitch saying "it's an attacking line up that I have complete faith in. We were unbeaten in the pre-season so you can't argue with that stat".

Sunday 18th April - 1 PM kick off
AC Malvern v Caulfield Grammarians
Central Park, Malvern

Line up:

Let the games begin!

On the cusp of greatness, mentally prepared for a big season and for some, a last crack at the title; the lads of AC were dealt a heavy pre-season blow.

The FFV, following orders from the Sepp Blatter and fellow FIFA suits in Zurich, promoted the top four teams from season 2009. Under the new “Blatter-Gate” ruling AC squeezed into the top four with a narrow 3-2 win against Sandringham in the last round taking fourth on goal difference.

A late lobby and plea for compassion to the FFV fell on deaf ears. One now wonders whether the rumours of backroom dealings and bribery that had plagued Blatter during his 2002 quest for FIFA Presidency could be at play here. Let’s hope that Blatter doesn’t instigate his ideal for the fairer sex football this year and insist we “wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts... to create a more appealing aesthetic”. Somewhat contradictory, this flies in the face of his 2004 ruling which mandates cards for those who take their tops off, but maybe that’s just aimed at pasty white Northern Irish lads such as [name removed for legal reasons]. It seems Sepp Blatter is a complex man with twisted views.

Controversial administrator rulings and massive fee hikes aside AC lost a few good men over the summer; Gumby, gone to report on East Kilbride FC in Southern Glasgow; Simon i2.0 Talbot, searching for Kraft’s next big branding opportunity and club legends Engel and JT. New blood steps in and a changing of the guard may be the net result, but let’s pause for a moment and recognise the service of these great men and remember many of us would not have met if JT hadn’t started the club all those years ago. So, from all the boys past and present, thanks lads and you have each been added to the AC Malvern Hall of Fame.

The off season:
The very make up of the Malvern boys changed dramatically during the break. The core was previously single and drunk most of the time, but the hot sun and extra vitamin E has made them all a little soft.

The Wee Weegie, Hendo got himself married dressed in a skirt, sorry kilt. Steve showed shooting form far better than his penalty taking and got Sarah pregnant. Zoolander Dennis finally got himself out of his hospital bed just before Christmas and finds himself engaged. Others too have ditched the moniker of being “single” ensuring that we adopt the Peter Crouch ethos, that is; if we are rubbish on the pitch we will at least have the best looking WAG’s in the league, thus boosting attendance.

As far as training goes, in true Malvern fashion it has been light on to say the least. In fact, some may have put on a few kegs over the summer months with tops fitting a little tighter around the pudding and gravy as illustrated above right.

What lies ahead?
Promotion stirred the emotions of many, and after the melancholy past the road ahead doesn’t look so bad, does it? Sure, the lofty goals of a premiership for season 2010 may be tweaked just a little; however there will be a good bunch of lads on the park each week to enjoy the trials and tribulations ahead.

This Saturday marks the official start of the pre-season, one week out from season proper. The opponents are traditional pre season rivals, Moreland FC on the pool table smooth artificial pitches at the State Football Centre. This is the first hit out for few AC debutants, but importantly the first official appearance of the WAG’s (Malvernette’s) to distract opponents.

Season 2010 offers many challenges; filling the void left by the loss of club legends, tougher opponents and the arduous task of arranging suburban visiting visa’s for the trips out to Berwick, Nunawading, Wheelers Hill and Clayton. Ewwwwwww…..anyway, stay tuned for the journey of season 2010.