The McRopod Cup

The FFV in association with Alan Clark has approved the concept of the soon to be legendary Central Park Club Championship.

This Sunday, the inaugural competition will kick-off and the quest for bragging rights will commence. Apart from bragging rights, the teams will be playing for the McRopod Cup, similar to the one pictured right

Rangers will go into the match as firm favourites given they currently sit third on the ladder with AC Malvern occupying sixth. All matches between the two clubs have been good quality, tight, hard fought battles in line with many an Old Firm or Merseyside derby.

Central Park Rangers captain could not be reached for comment and the only person willing to speak for AC was the ever honest Josh with chips in hand stating “If dad’s playing I think they’ll struggle”. A bit harsh for mine, but that’s honest Josh for you.

Match Details:

The McRopod Cup - 3PM kick off

Central Park Malvern (refer map below):

1,075 chances.............

It was on the ‘hallowed’ turf of Central Park (pictured right) that AC Malvern’s lofty title ambitions took a serious dent, as they succumbed to the speedsters from Old Trinity.

Malvern, buoyed with confidence, went into the game with an expectation of victory. They were playing a ‘weaker’ team and a win for the red and black was a divine right. Unfortunately for the confident AC the afternoon would unfold in a completely different manner.

AC started the game strong controlling much of the attack before, fifteen minutes in, Hendo slotted the first goal for the afternoon and charged to the top of the Golden Croc standings; 1-0.

Malvern, despite struggling with the pitch conditions (again pictured above right) looked to have control of the game when a deft chip in from the foot of the QE2, Pricey, found Mad Mike on his own, who duly slotted home only to be called offside. To add insult to injury, minutes later the lads wearing arguably the worst kit in the league slotted home their first for the game; 1-1.

A Trinity corner soon after was a worry, but a defiant back four of AC cleared to the waiting midfield that went end to end with the ball before the Wee Weegie played through Mad Mike who cracked the ball past the keeper; 2-1.

Confidence was high and control remained with Malvern, though many attempts on goal were squandered and would eventually prove costly, but not before the match defining moment.

With the ball coming into the box Mad Mike went for a header. The pitch would now play its part in the drama and with a crack Mad Mike went crumbling to the ground. Again, a suspect of an errant shooting from the grassy knoll Mad Mike screamed, he was mad and let out a tirade of “Holy mother of God” as his fist created even bigger dents in the already dodgy pitch. A ‘shooting’ it certainly wasn’t, Mike had blown out his knee and was convinced it was, fittingly, his AC that had gone. We were later to discover it was a badly sprained knee and hopefully not enough to end Mad Mikes tenure with the club as he was set to head back to sunny Texas in July. This travesty is akin to Richmond losing Richo for the rest of the season. That was two down for the season, with Denim Coults injuring his groin the week before too.

Malvern now face the longer term issue of having all their left side players injured and may need to look at recruiting Christy Brown (Daniel Day Lewis - pictured above right) to find someone with a good left foot.

It was on the verge of half time and with Mike lying pitch-side waiting for a lift home that Malvern lost their way. An attack from the silky skilled right midfield of Trinity was developing and three AC players lunged to defend, leaving open an easy pass to an unmarked attacker who was one-on-one with Con sliding it past him; 2-2.

HALF TIME
A sombre looking bunch, that were trying to muster some enthusiasm walked back from the pavilion and onto the pitch ready to fight for the game.

The early going was all in Malvern’s favour, again creating countless chances and shots on goal only not to convert. It was on one such attack that Trinity launch a counter attack with a long ball over the top to find a speedy striker out run AC’s defence to again be one-on–one with Con, with the same result, goal; 2-3.

AC again attacked with vigour, but this time [insert name here] was fouled in the box with the referee pointing toward the spot. The responsibility was left squarely on the shoulders of penalty specialist, Steve. Steve waltzed up and hit the back of the net despite the keep lunging the right way, goal and game on; 3-3.

If ever there was a sucker punch, this was it….[insert the exact wording from two paragraph’s above]. Trinity goal; 3-4.

A sense of urgency, finally came over the boys from AC and they dominated play from here on in without reward. Sometimes it’s just not your day as was evidenced when Hendo was taken down in the box late in the game. To Hendo’s credit, he fought to stay up but couldn’t, and when he hit the ground still attempted to make contact with the ball, which unfortunately he did. The ref’s call, “advantage, play on” and no penalty awarded. That was the final insult and a bitter pill to swallow.

A frustrated team marched off the pitch only to find lukewarm beer on hand, supplied by Zoolander Dennis. Could things have gotten any worse?

Question of the day:
How can a team have 1,075 chances lose 3-4 to a team who has only four chances?

AC Malvern 3 – 4 Old Trinity
Hendo, Mad Mike, Steve (pen)

You've just cost me my coaching career!

A match against Old Melbournians is always a recipe for excitement, violence and sledging. You see, over the years these two teams have built quite a rivally, fuelled by hatred and a lack of a winner in the last four outtings.

Today's game was an important one as it had the added incentive of being the top of the table clash with the winner getting the early psychological advantage in the chase for the glass ball.

Such was the importance that the boys from AC called on the services of football expert and coach extraordinaire, Terry Wallace, to guide them through the rough seas ahead. You could ask for greater guidance in such a tough situation and surely Terry would extract the best from the boys.

The International fan base continues to expand with the parents of team sweeper, Richard Owen (pictured right) on hand, with commentator/wife Jo and daughter Matilda also watching from the stands.

The game began with the red and black of AC controlling possession; however unable to get the ball forward of the half to even create a scoring opportunity. An arm wrestle ensued as heads slowly dropped in frustration, the boys from Melbourne Grammar put their parents funded high cost education to good use, working out that the probability of AC connecting more than one pass was close to zero; therefore pouncing on every wayward ball.

It was never going to take long, and then it began oh so simply. A harmless run down the left wing turned ugly when the OM’s number 11 walked into the box unchallenged and took a hopeful shot finding the bottom left corner. GOAL; 0-1.

Fresh off the back of celebrating his very own double denim third decade party the night before (pictured left); Coults found himself lunging for the ball deep in defence. POP! And there is was, the upper inner thigh of the wee Gordie lad, also known as the groin, was gone. Hearts sank as hopes of a comeback were beginning to fade as Coults was carried off. A translator on hand was able to decipher this from the mouth of the new number 32, Pete Phillips “That beeatch was carving up the dance floor last night. He was busting moves that the bastard child of Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake would be scared to try…..and that’s for real”. Team medical advisor, Mad Mike went on call to get enough ice to treat the smallest man in the team, eventually coming back with an ice bag that was the equivalent of a polar ice cap.

From there things only got uglier. My post match counselling session has told me that I needed to erase the memory of all events that followed in order to help me move on, but in summary it went like this:

Goal; 0 – 2
Oh dear
Goal; 0 – 3
Could it get any worse? Yep
Goal; 0 – 4

Suddenly, the devastation of what was unfolding hit home and AC dropped the game style circa season 2008 and starting playing some ball. A few half chances unfolded, but only one was good enough with a corner from [insert name here] finding the head of who else, but Mad Mike who headed home the goal; 1-4.

Tweet-tweet went the whistle and a sullen bunch traipsed pavilion bound to dissect the game as a group. The door was firmly shut behind and a tirade of abuse with words even ol’ salty sailors have never heard spewed from the mouth of the tanned and leathery Wallace. Suddenly he launched for a defenceless Coulter spitting from his phlegm filled mouth “You’ve cost me my coaching career”.

Post game was akin to a wake with most clearing out quickly to have their respective lovers dry the tears of disappointment from their eyes. Those without lovers stood in a circle looking uncomfortably at the ground kicking the dirt before the weirdness got too much.

Without sounding cliché, this little green man will add a fitting cliché of “It was the loss we had to have” and for mine, it was best it was early on. Old Melbournians may have won the battle, but they haven’t won the war. [just to add another useless cliche]

AC Malvern 1 – 4 Old Melbournians
Mad Mike

News in brief:

- The playing leadership group and club Directors (pictured right) met on Monday to discuss the future of Coach Wallace. The vote was unanimous; Wallace was out and shall never coach again at AC Malvern.
- AC Malvern players were disappointed to find that the Old Melbournians of 2009 were actually a good bunch of blokes making it difficult to perpetuate the hatred.
Mark Coulter is off to Newcastle for round two of the double denim third century celebrations and will miss six weeks.

Come on lads, calm down, it's Mothers Day!

The winds of change are blowing through the trophyless AC Malvern headquarters. Never before in the clubs history have players shown such contempt for the club creed, or foundation on which the clubs fine history was built. Change is seems comes in many forms, but for the lads at AC Malvern it is in the form of a new found commitment. Change one; thirty minutes before kick off and at least six players were at the ground and ready to play instead of rolling up with five minutes to spare. Change two; despite a night out for the celebration of another year in the Cockney Cresswell’s life; Phillips, Hendo, Coulter, Dennis and Cresswell all arrived without hangover and importantly still sober. The same could not be said for rouge striker Pricey.

The Blues of Riversdale cause all sort problems in the same fixture last year, and after giving Old Trinity an eight nil drubbing in round one, this would prove to be the first real test of season 2009. Caroline Wilson, The Age chief football writer, took time out of her busy schedule during the week to “offer” her insight and preview the blockbuster, however no one listened, nor cared.

With the game underway, Riversdale looked to have some skill, stringing more than two passes together without turning the ball over, frustrating the Malvern midfielders. Fortunately for AC this wasn't to last long before the brute force and silky skills of the red and black machine (white and red today in the away strips) cracked the tricky Riversdale and saw Engel, Creswell, JT and Mad Mike start to get the ascendancy.

The first breakthrough came courtesy of, what will become all to familiar in this game, and that was a Hendo run (pictured left), down the left before a passing to Mad Mike at the top of the box which he gently, by comparison to last week, slotted the ball past the keeper, ruffling the ol’ onion bag; 1-0.

Just before the half, Riversdale put together a couple of slick moves before unleashing a corker from well outside the box. AC defender Rich Owen was on hand to relive the moment. "It was like watching the Matrix as it unfolded, the ball slid past in slow-mo destined for the inside corner of the net until 'Divine intervention' saved us. Con launched his hulking frame left and miraculously got his hand to the ball - stopping a certain goal"

HALF TIME

The second half started with AC full of confidence despite a last minute scare and it wasn't long before the Wee Weegie [http://www.weegieweb.org.uk/] was again weaving his magic. This time picking the ball up inside the box pulling the trigger with alarming power for a little lad and the keeper looked to have save it however; Newtons first law, the law of inertia applied allowing the ball to trickle across the line; 2-0

With wind in their sails and the ball at the feet of match day captain, JT, the signs were beginning to look ominous for Riversdale and JT was about to add to their troubles. Positioned at the edge of the box, the man who advised his team mates to "go easy on the tackles", sent forward a pile driver of a shot which the hapless keeper could only watch it fly past into the net. 3-0

With Riversdale's backs to the wall tensions began to rise. This once proud club were having their pants pulled down and were considering their options; their choice was to whine about how physical the boys from Malvern were being. Sure we had our hard men like; Mad Mike, JT, Matty P and add to that the annoyingly yappy Dennis, it's enough to frustrate the best of them. On this occasion your humble reporter will suggest that all the aforementioned were in check and on reasonably good behaviour. Heated words, a little push an shove resulted before our Holy Goalie, Con, boomed the following words "Come on lads, calm down, it's Mothers day". I'm not certain if it was guilt or the prospect of getting in trouble from their mothers, but anger subsided and football resumed.

Soon after "fight night" finished and Pete streamed down the right wing to find himself in the box and at the end of a pass from Mad Mike. He went this way, then that way in a rendition of last weeks infamous Riverdance goal, before beating the keeper and slotting number four for the day. The highlight of the goal was surely the celebration where Pete ran for the corner post about to do a Cahill style celebration, but a late change of mind resulted in him replicating his idol, CR7's, celebration (pictured right), with Hendo cleaning his boots; 4-0

We saved the best for last. Riversdale got a late break and were one-on-one with Con; a deft touch sending the ball over a lunging Con at the top of the box and destined for the back of the net with no defenders in the last third. Whether it was pride in the shirt, as he was wearing an England shirt (short on tops) or a Gordie never say die attitude, either way the soon to be birthday boy Coults took off for the ball and managed a miraculous goal line clearance that will never be matched as long as I am made out of plastic. AC Malvern's media department have been contacted since and Mark is headed back home to lead a pre-match address for his mate Alan Shearer and the Newcastle players. The theme; never give up!

And that is how it ended. AC Malvern convincing 4 - 0 winners, and for the first time in recent history start the season with two wins.

AC Malvern 4 - 0 Riversdale

Mad mike, Hendo, JT, Pete

Quote of the day:
“You’re ugly. You’re offensive to look at!” bellowed JT as he reached for his sick bucket like a teenager after a night on the Jagers with Petey. On this occasion, however it was the sight of the "alleged" ugly Riversdale player pictured right with his twin brother. Was JT being Harsh; possibly.

News in brief:

- News of the World in the UK reported overnight that Northern Irish defender, Colin Brien will be signed during the transfer window for an undisclosed fee to cover for the loss of one D. Winton, however insiders at AC suggest Brien, if signed, will have to buy the first slab for the next home game.
- Ivan has been hiding his true identity after a Riversdale attacker exposed the truth late in the match, during "fight night" calling him out as a Ranga saying “I’ll punch you in your throat you Ginger [censored by AC Malvern Lawyers]”, much to the merriment of those around.

- Police Commissioner, Simon Overland, is leading an investigation into the potential of snipers at the AC Malvern games; sighting incidents where our beloved Ralpha went down late in the second half and Mad Mike a touch earlier, both without external intervention as proof they must be on the grassy knol.

The beginning, game one!

Sunday was the opening of the 2009 season for the boys at AC Malvern. The opponent, Caulfield Grammar was unfortunate enough to feel the wrath of AC only weeks before; succumbing to a potent attack led by a Hendo hat-trick. This week however, was for three premiership points. So, no such cakewalk was anticipated by the home team and a capacity crowd (right) was at hand to witness the match unfold.

Just before 1PM and the lads took the field at Central Park to hear the words of inspiration from today’s leader and great orator, Steve ‘the mouth’ Cresswell, who could be heard from Wattletree Road shouting “Alright lads, let stick it up ‘em yeah. No f***ing about, right. From the f***ing off!”. With these inspiring and articulately delivered words of inspiration resinating in the skulls the whistle went to start the game.

The match started in typical fashion; mistakes, uncoordinated individuals and the ‘fit’ lads from Malvern gasping for air as the younger and much fitter Caulfield controlled the early pace. It was like two boxers trying to work out each other before attempting the land killer blow.

Led on by the screaming Malvernette’s at the sideline, the lads started to dominate the midfield and put together some blistering runs from Hendo, Dennis and Pricey. (Yep, even the QE2 [Pricey] can run fast in straight lines now. Just don’t ask him to turn, although it seems his new ‘coach’ is paying dividends). Each of these runs getting closer to scoring the first goal of the season.

The first goal of the match would come from a silly foul from Caulfield’s mouthy number 11 who would play an integral roll in the day and ultimately the result of the match. A free kick from outside the box was struck by the plucky Cresswell, with the goalie only managing to push it away into the path of the ever opportunist Hendo who duly slotted the ball into the back of the net; 1 – 0. “That was like stealing candy from a baby and I know cause I’ve done it and it was easy, just like that goal was easy” bellowed Hendo.

HALF TIME

“Don’t let up lads. Get out there, string some passes together and play some beautiful football for the fans that made it here today, especially the ladies who seem to love the still drunk Pete” were the words from JT at half time. The job was far from done, and despite domination of the first half the one goal lead was certainly not enough against a much younger and fitter opposition.

Early in the second half a AC defensive lapse cost a goal with a sublime (yep - hate to admit it but it was) cross from the Caulfield number 11 that found the foot of a team mate in the box, but to be honest even Ivan could have scored on the end of that pass.

Mad Mike Radtke, a name more fitting for an Underbelly character, was starting to exert his American influence on the game when he took the ball from the half way line. A dart left, then right, rounding all players and officials before he unleashed an almighty thunderbolt from just outside the box which hit, or bent, the crossbar before crossing the line for a goal. (Engineers were seen after the match checking the integrity of the crossbar to ensure it was safe for play for the following game). His celebration was like watching NFL linebacker charging down a quarterback as Mad Mike ran toward confused, but jubilant team mates, with such ferocity for the obligatory chest bump screaming “yeeeeeeah! USA, USA” ; 2-1.

Caulfield caught AC off guard, who were probably still awestruck from Mike’s goal, and snuck into the box with ball at foot. An excitable Colin (AKA Damo) tried in vein to corral, but decided to lunge for the ball, “allegedly” taking down the attacker (number 11) resulting in the ref pointing to the spot. Con, even with God on his side, couldn’t stop the strike…Goal; 2-2.

Ordinarily AC would crumble in this situation. It was late in the match and the aging bodies were weary, but an inspired effort by all allowed AC to stay in the game until balance was restored. The human mascot, Coulter, continually nipped at the heals of the attacking Caulfield players clearing the ball to a rampant “Twinkle Toes” Nolan on the left. Eventually, through dogged determination, it paid off and Hendo was on a run down the left. Weaving between players like they were standing still an unselfish Hendo crossed beautifully to an incoming Dennis. Ivan, not the slickest skilled playing in the team managed to pull some uncharacteristic moves which was like watching Michael Flatley perform Riverdance in the box (right) confusing defenders and himself putting the ball past the keeper; 3-2.

The last goal came from a tackle inside the box form, you guessed it Caulfield’s number 11 who tackles like he’s the long lost brother of Joey Barton! Seconds later Colin, searching for redemption slots the ball into the goals, but was disallowed and the penalty was taken. Steve stepped up and converted; 4 – 2......and that was the way it ended!

In the end a good win and great start the season with great performances across the board. A big thanks to the following key spectators; the Malvernette's, Engel's dad, Josh and of course the scout from Old Melbournian's, Paul.

AC Malvern 4 – 2 Caulfield
Hendo, Mad Mike, Iva, Steve (pen)

Let the games begin - Round 2

Ladies and Gentlement,

This Sunday marks the begining of the 'mighty' AC Malvern's assualt on the FFV Mens Thirds (Div 3) Championship trophy; "The Crystal Ball" pictured below. We hope you enjoy the journey ahead and the tales that follow.

Don't be confused by the fact that our first game of the season is in fact 'round 2'. It seems the fixturing 'geniuses' at the FFV were a little confused and scheduled our official round one game for some time in June.

Round 2 - AC Malvern v Caulfield Grammar
1pm Kick off, Central Park Malvern

The line up:
Holy Goaly Con, Coults, Norn Iron Pete, Hard Man Pinkney, Twinkle Toes Timmy, Love doctor Iva, The Ghost Talbot, Mad Mike, QE2 Pricey, JT, Golden Croc Hendo, Angry Steve and new dad Ren

Out:
Raplpha, Damo, Dunc and Rich O

Holy Grail; the prize: