The one that got away, the one that got away, the one that got away

Our friends at the classy news publication USA Today suggested that saving a penalty spot kick is the ninth hardest thing to do in sport; behind riding in the Tour de France, running a marathon and pole vaulting to name a few. The difficulty rating is clearly backed up by a study completed by Professor Bob Gustavson of John Brown University in Siloam USA, who found that during the 2002 MLS season 70.5% of penalties resulted in goals.

If you think about it, the kick is taken 12 yards from the keeper and depending on the speed of the shot; the keeper has around 0.25-0.50 of a second to react, move in the right direction and save the shot. I think you’d have a better chance of winning lotto, or Australia hosting the 2018 World Cup.
You can’t argue with statistics, but I wonder if somewhere in this world there was an instance where three penalties were missed in one game? Well it seems so; Argentinean striker Martin Palermo (

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD93d2Blkhc ) now has company in this exclusive group, AC Malvern’s own Steve (Pen) Cresswell.

Below is a guideline for those wanting to know how to score a penalty:

Anyway, on with the match report where the details will become more apparent. Today’s opponent, and hopefully victim, was long time foe St Kevin’s. Previous battles with the all whites from south of the Yarra have usually been a balanced affair with St Kevin’s marginally holding the upper hand over the years.

The game had been shifted to the “fortress” that is Central Park, as the private school lads were without a home ground. This was something that disappointed the Malvern boys as it’s a venue they haven’t tasted victory at since round one against Caulfield.

Malvern controlled much of early going with some great balls played forward to the duo of Hendo and Ralpha, however brilliant keeping and defensive work would denying them a result. Then as Hendo made a run into the box he was taken down and the “State 1” referee had no hesitation tooting on his whistle and pointing to the spot.

The trusty “I’ve never missed in my entire career” Cresswell stepped up and thundered the ball toward the right hand side of the goal. Then, from nowhere; was it a bird or a plane? Nope it was a 7ft Irish git dressed in green with an insane appetite for saving penalties, which he did. The ball deflected back into play and with [insert name here] on the end of it about to score when a stupid tackle takes him to ground. Once again “Mr State 1” blows on whistle and points to the spot for another penalty and importantly a chance for redemption.

With AC’s hearts in their collective mouth’s Steve stepped up and on this occasion opted for precision over power, he struck the ball toward the left corner. The sighs of a painful miss as the ball went past the left post could be heard far and wide. St Kev’s couldn’t believe there luck and AC couldn’t buy a goal.

With less than a minute left in the half an errant tackle outside the SKEV’s box results in a free kick. The seasoned SKEV’s veteran stepped up and curled the ball around the wall and past the keeper for the first goal of the game; 0-1……..

HALF TIME

The AC rooms were very quiet and no-one would dare mention the unfortunate events of earlier. Everybody and I mean everybody felt for Steve at this point and hoped his luck would turn. His on-field performance was a display of dominance, potentially a man of the match thus so far. Not even that was enough to change his mood.

Again the in the second half AC were dominant and despite some flurries forward, one in which Zoolander knocked the ball away from Hendo mid juggle, no resulting goal came their way.

Soon enough Hendo picked the ball up down the left wing, skinned his player took the ball to the goal line and whipped a hard and low cross into the box and awaiting Pete had the ball delivered to his feet. Though marked heavily by a defender, Pete trapped the ball, did a 180 turn, stepped inside the dizzy defender and with the deftest of touch from the outside of his boot slotted the goal. Like a rabbit across a field he charged for the corner post and emulated the celebrations of Cahill, pictured right. Pete now has a firm grip on best goal celebration with a boot shine earlier in the season and boxing Pete today; 1-1.

With minutes to go another Malvern player was taken down in the box, and once again Mr State 1 pointed to the spot. Redemption is near…….A nervous Steve again stepped up and this time opted for power. The pall was struck with ferocious power to the right; and AGAIN the lanky Irish keeper somehow lunged and saved the goal. Three missed opportunities, but no other player from AC could have done any better and the keeper was definitely their saviour and man of the match.
AC would have to settle for a draw, but its better than a loss……...I guess.

Some other greats have missed penalties in there career far more important than the ones today; Baggio in the World Cup, Lampard in the Champions League Final and even Viduka’s miss nearly cost Australia a World Cup birth in 2006. To make Steve feel better, here are some of the worst penalties caught on camera:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIaby1-pf0k

AC Malvern 1-1 St Kevins

Petey

AC's nemesis

Purple, yellow and red......If only it were a rainbow!

You win some and you lose some, but with AC Malvern they lose more, or at least at this point in the season. The boys headed into this game with a streak no one wants, four loses in a row and facing a formidable opponent; well at least based on their ladder position of third. Armed only with 11 men ensuring no respite and sans goal keeper; the lads faced the challenge ahead with resentment toward Swine flu and all that it had taken down during the week.

The laughs started before the kick off, and not just because the purple uniforms sported by the Boroondara Eagles, but with the performance of the ref. Officiating in what is unofficially the beer league, the ref requested an independent escort (similar to that pictured right) from the rooms to the pitch [circa 27.35 metres] and refused to come out of hibernation until two were provided. With Eric, Engels dad, the only option; walking stick in hand and the walking speed befitting a man of his age, sense finally prevailed. The ref, talking his life in his hands managed the treacherous walk unescorted from pavilion to pitch without injury or even one bottle/coin thrown in his direction.

Not long before the first whistle the boys turned to see a bunch of “men” dressed in purple in a circle, arm in arm talking up the pre-game before all putting their hands in to scream “Eagles”. It was just plain weird in this writer’s opinion, or potentially a little Mardi Gras; whatever floats their boat.

[Insert sound of whistle here]………and the game began with much pomp and ceremony and foot touching ball action.

Following on from the second half performance of last week; the boys in red and black looked to have control of the action. The new formation; 3-5-2 seemed to settle well with Owen, Dennis and Nolan holding down defensive duties and JT occupying goals; allowing Pete and his merry men in the midfield to control the ball delivering to Price, Ralpha and Hendo to create goal scoring opportunities.
The first such opportunity came as a result of a left side attack from Colin who delivered to [insert name here] eventually finding the Wee Weegie who pulled the trigger……bang the ball hit the right post and deflected back out to a salivating QE2 who sank the right boot into the ball. A thunderous strike was the result, but unfortunately the ball sailed over the crossbar and ended well onto Bourke Road.

The rest of the half saw a standout performance from AC as a team, but in particular the midfield as the created plenty of opportunities, unfortunately without result. Boroondara on the other hand had only one or two chances which were snuffed out by the back three.

AC, despite depleted stock, went to the change rooms brimming with confidence, after playing some

of the best team football for the season.

HALF TIME
Buoyed with confidence, Captain JT led the half time speech clearly stating “lads we've only got 11, so if you're feeling tired - there's nothing we can do about it, so

don't do anything silly out there this half". Prophetic words from our humble leader.

The second half was a very different proposition all together.

Two minutes is all it takes to cook noodles, boil an egg, run a half mile (if you’re John Landy who trained at Central Park) and sit through mind numbing ads amongst other things. However, two minutes on this occasion is all it took to lose the upper hand in this game.

The first attack came from the Eagles number six who seemed to waltz through the left side of Malvern’s defence. Then, with all the time in the world steered the ball to the back post, and the waiting Eagles attacker to head home goal number one; 0-1

The next foray forward was like watching the march of the light brigade as a hapless AC defence was left undermanned. Again, the number six shot forward before crossing to an unmarked attacker who, this time, put the ball into the back of the net by foot…..your eggs are boiled and the score is now 0-2.

After a two minute powernap, AC managed to wake up refreshed and full of vigour wrestling back control of the match. A brilliant sequence of play that began with the QE2 running the ball through the midfield before a measured pass to a rampaging Damo who returned the favour passing back to Pricey just outside the box. Pricey, under fire slid the ball back to Damo (again) who sent forth a stunning cross to Ralpha playing the Viduka holding role. Ralpha looked left, turned right and duly slotted the ball home; 1-2.

I take you back to some vital words in the half time speech “don't do anything silly out there this half”. With that message resonating in the heads of the players, JT launched several, in the eyes of the ref, dubious defensive lunges. Numerous warnings (and yellow card) were issued and it was later discovered that the Eagles were intent on antagonising the rampaging bull with exceptional success. JT saw red (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKj4upY1VYI), and eventually the same coloured card……..and then there were ten.

It sounds cliche, and I hate them, but this was the moment that changed the game. A man down, no subs a deflated Malvern battled on in the face of adversity. Engel marshaled the troops, changing the formation hoping to sneak an unlikely goal as dominance shifted away from the black and reds.

The remainder of the game saw an outstanding effort by all and sundry; however it was too much with the Eagles pouring vinegar on the fresh wound by scoring another goal; 1-3.

To add insult to injury, or in this case a red card the Eagles finished the game with a display that this little green man hasn’t seen since U10’s; “three cheers for Malvern, hip hip….hooray”. Yet another weird display, but luckily we were spared a rendition of their club song, assuming they have one.
Now AC is left contemplating the real possibility of relegation unless their form changes. The one positive being they still have one remaining shot at some silverware with the return leg of the McRopod Cup on Sunday 16th August.

AC Malvern 1 – 3 Boroondara Eagles
Ralpha

News in brief:
- Sparky Coulter is rumoured to be undergoing a fitness test during the week to potentially have him back for yet another vital clash against St Kevin’s

- Thankfully Real Madrid have run out of money and will not be picking up any AC Malvern players during the European summer.

Any Given Sunday

“On any given Sunday you’re gonna win or you’re gonna lose. The point is – can you win or lose like a man?” Sage words of advice from Tony D’Amato (Al Pacino) and lately the men of AC have only had to concentrate on losing like men.

This week’s game was a catch up game from round one. So, while all other teams were resting and paying tribute to another year in the Queens life; drinking to excess, the Monash Uni and Malvern boys prepared for battle at windy Clayton.

The starting line up for AC Malvern was missing some key players with injury accounting for; Mad Mike and Wee Coults which took out most of the left side, but to add insult to injury, the team would be without key striker Hendo. Word of his brilliance had travelled far and wide and despite no FIFA International window he was beckoned to Brisbane as a replacement for Scott McDonald to play for Celtic; Melbourne Celtic.

All absences aside AC still went into the game with a reasonable line up. Norn Iron 1-0 Pete was in a fine vein of form in recent week and with the support of Steve (Pen) Cresswell, Engel and JT there was still a formidable midfield combination.

Monash took to the beautifully manicured and flat pitch looking like a bunch of [just] post pubescent lads who were fit and fast; a combination that causes a great deal of trouble for the ever ageing and slowing Malvern. So with the average age of 19 [Monash] and 35 [Malvern] the first ball was kicked.
It wasn’t long into the match before the speed of Monash would cause some trouble resulting in early attacks on goal fortunately with no result. Then, against the run of play a free kick was awarded outside the box for AC with Steve (Pen) Cresswell stepping up to take the kick. A beautifully struck kick, avoided the wall and keeper finding the top right hand corner, goal; 1-0 and a great way to celebrate after proposing to Sarah over dinner the night before.

Within minutes Monash had the ball down there end and were set to take a corner. This marks the momentary return of the frustrated and angry Zoolander Dennis who allegedly assaulted the number 13 at the back post. The Eastern European ref stepped in and to threaten Dennis with a red card and penalty to Monash.......return of subdued Dennis circa 2009.

The corner was eventually taken and it was like watching a pin ball machine as the ball ricochet around the box before FINALLY finding the kneecap of the annoying number 13 who scored a goal without actually knowing it; 1-1.

A good team would react by attacking and tearing apart their oppositions defence in this situation, and unfortunately that’s exactly what the kids from Monash Crèche did. Bombarding the resilient defence of AC before lady luck shone upon their youthful heads.

A deflected clearance landed, like a gift, at the feet of a Monash player alone outside the box. With all the time in the world he measured his shot and like a schoolboy, giggled as the ball went into the back of the net; 1-2.

A few late flurries from AC just before half time, most notable being a flick out of the box to the awaiting Damo who struck the ball goal-ward only to sail just over the bar.

HALF TIME
Again the half time speech was filled with optimism and faint hope of pegging back the lead. Special guest motivator, Tony D’Amato (pictured left) was on hand to deliver a speech that would surely inspire the boys (refer here for a similar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4tIrjBDkk):

I’m paraphrasing, but it was something like this: “I don’t know what to say really. Either we heal as a team or we crumble. We’re in hell, we can stay in hell, or together we can work our way out. Inch by inch, pass by pass, play by play until we finish. We can get out of this hole. Now, I can’t do it for you; I’m too old. So all I can do is impart the words to you to draw motivation to do it yourselves. You have to want to do it, need to do it; I know you can do it. Look around you; these are your team mates. You need to work TOGETHER and build pass by pass. Let that be your mantra boys: pass by pass.”

These powerful words did motivate, inspire and net an improved performance in the second half. The shining light of the first half, Pete now had support and while he continued to dominate the wings, others lifted too. Engel had the ball on a string; Pricey was back on his blistering runs into space. Pinkney, Owen et al sealed the leak down back and JT was as intimidating as ever with his slide tackles and in your face style. Things were clicking.

Despite the lift and second half dominance by AC, they were unable to muster the required final pass that could result in a goal. The game ended a 1-2 loss, but ever the optimist, this little green man thinks the second half could be the foundation of something bigger in the coming weeks.

Gentlemen; we now have four losses in a row. We’ve been here before; we’ve turned this around before, bring on next week.

AC Malvern 1 - 2 Monash Uni
Steve (engaged free kick taker) Cresswell


News in brief:
- Our beloved Hendo had his scoring boots in in the Hoops, netting three goals in an 8-1 win over Brisvegas Celtic
- Rumour and speculation that Ren Mota and Steve[Pen] Cresswell are currently in Madrid negotiating a transfer deal. It’s suggested Real Madrid will take the pair in exchange for a new set of away kits.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

Sunday, Central Park Malvern - It was an ominous sign when the AC Malvern squad stepped off their team bus to find themselves in two minds about which shed to bunker down into. You see folklore (and depending who you believe – which doesn’t mean a brass razoo amongst this lot) suggests an acrimonious split between a once footballing super-power, the Lord Malvern Silvertails, as the catalyst in forming these two more modestly named teams, Central Park Rangers and AC Malvern.

The football was equally modest, and AC’s before mentioned change room confusion seemed to play a part in passages of the game.

Despite it’s inconvenient timeslot, The FA Cup was the chosen curtain raiser to AC Malvern V Rangers clash. Fortunately FIFA were able to reshuffle a couple of other tin-pot hack scraps and give the two sides a popular 3pm kickoff.

Not to be outdone, local entrepreneur and part-time referee Alan Clark pounced on an obvious gap in the market, proposing an annual grudge match celebrating the local rivalry, The (inaugural) Central Park Club Championship was welcomed by all. The prize: The McRopod Cup

As silverware was now up for grabs, the football was expected to be of a high standard, and AC Malvern set the benchmark early with some dazzling passing that even the highly fancied Rangers struggled to cope with. With this form, it wasn’t long before space was being created by the AC midfielders, who had the AC marksmen firing off the first of a string of shots, courtesy of go-to man Ralphy Seidel. Earlier, Ralphy’s choice of pre-game attire including purple sneakers, and snot-nose punk streetwear look dubious, but it was all part of his philosophical “looks like a tiger, acts like a tiger, actually is a….” strategy to play like a 20yo. It did the trick, and the ensuing corner very nearly paid dividends as Rangers found AC all over them like a fat kid on a smartie.

With no respite, and even the AC defenders able to sneak over the halfway line, a goal was imminent. Another slick left-to-right passing movement again found space and created an undefendable overlap. With AC players lining up like Cronulla Sharks in an Auckland motel room, Matty Johns, aka Ivan Dennis stepped up to score (pardon the pun). Dennis’ offseason “goals for cards” initiative with FIFA’s Fair Play policy has proved a roaring success, with Ivo not saying so much as “boo” to a fly whilst he builds a healthy goal tally this season - see archive pic below right

Where the dominance should’ve continued, AC seemed to take the foot off, and to their credit, Rangers seized the opportunity to get back into the contest, winning more 50/50 balls and basically getting their sh*t together.
Following a two game losing streak, and with a mounting injury list, the last thing AC needed was their pocket dynamo off the park. Engel had been the barometer to AC’s dominance thus far, so when shinsplints came on, Engel came off. Again Rangers took full advantage and gradually begun to cause problems for the AC defence. It seemed almost unfair, when against the run of play, a well placed but by no means powerful lob sailed over the heads of the AC back four and past the holy ghost for an equaliser. 1-1

In a critical final 15mins to the first half, AC seemed to let the equaliser get to them. Coupled with the antics of the acid-tongued No. 15 Rangers captain who seemed capable of talking under wet cement – if only it were so. Despite the turnaround, the next chance actually fell AC’s way, as Mark ‘hendy’ Henderson let fly with a Protestant-hatred fuelled strike that could only be stopped by divine intervention. It seemed Con had pissed someone off in his earlier Sermon as an almost ‘god-like’ interference sent the ball into the path of the flailing keeper. He would later go on to do as we all have and blame the City of Stonnington’s groundsman – little did he know. Despite another close call, Rangers were again relentless in attack with AC having used up a good amount of juice. Once more against the run of play, opportunity fell the way of Rangers as they exploited a lapse in concentration from an AC corner. What could have very easily been an AC scoring chance quickly turned into a disaster as the ball was moved quickly through the vacant space by the opposition. Outnumbered, the AC defence were unable to hold off the late drive and a second goal was coolly slotted past a diving Con. Halftime 2-1.

Feeling a little despondent for allowing two pretty soft goals, AC underwent a change in structure as serial pest Steve C. slotted into the centre back role with great aplomb. From start to finish the second half was an arm-wrestle, with Rangers seemingly happy to defend a lead. With Engel back on the park in a cameo role, chances continued to be created, however more than a couple of these fell victim to what only could be described as sabotage on direct scoring opportunities. Despite this, Rangers defended what AC were able to throw at them with the resultant free kicks. Perhaps if the referee was thinking clearly and not about ensuing puberty a penalty might’ve fallen AC’s way, or a seemingly extinct red card for the repeat offenders - including our earlier cited potty-mouthed No. 15 compatriot. Ironically, it was AC’s lack of communication which proved to be the team downfall as a barrage of attacking raids on the Rangers defence went begging. As the day darkened, so too did AC’s fight back and the trophy slipped out of their reach as a result of a second half stalemate between the two sides. A draw would’ve been fitting, whilst watching the other mob bathe in Moet and glory whilst show-boating the mantle around made the loss that little bit harder to swallow. Despite no jersey’s being exchanged (budget restraints), the game was played in good spirits and AC look forward to reclaiming the bounty.

Special thanks go’s to Alan Clark for coming up with a fantastic concept, that in all honesty makes Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket idea look pretty ordinary. Top draw Al!

Bring on Round 2.

Team Quote:
“We came looking to emulate Everton’s fairytale FA Cup campaign, I think a few of the boys took the chain of events from the final a little too literally”

AC Malvern 1 - 2 Central Park Rangers

Dennis